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Ran out of punishments
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"We went out on Friday night and that ended in disaster as teenagers spent the time trying to find free wi-fi spots and ended up losing a balloon of my youngest child because they were messing about with their phones"
This is definitely not a 'disaster' by any definition.
I think family counselling would be really useful, but if it's not possible then What about some counselling just for you to help you cope with this new dynamic and the stress you're feeling?0 -
Layabout niece - your other thread.
Cannot help but think the bigger picture here is that she hasn't got any direction or focus on anything since not being at college (kicked out?) - I'm guessing she doesn't work? And is very de-motivated at home all day... Bound to be getting into trouble eh?
Once she starts focusing on what she wants to do/pursue ie a job, the sooner she will enter the real world. Sorry if it sounds a bit blunt - but you get the picture (back in the day, straight into the army for a year or 2 would sort them out0 -
Why was the toddler's balloon not tied around the toddler's wrist or attached to your handbag? It's not a teenager's problem in the first place.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll0
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Be careful that you are not unconsciously expecting your niece to be eternally grateful of your kindness in letting her stay.:heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.0
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balletshoes wrote: »I think you do have very exacting standards of behaviour, do you ever let the little things go, pick your battles as it were?
I remember from your earlier thread your complaint about your niece washing windows and a number of posters said they wouldn't have cleaned windows the way you wanted.foolofbeans wrote: »Stepping back a bit I think I'm searching too hard for the magical moment when the teenagers will display maturity and wisdom and make me proud so that I can then reward them. It's not going to happen is it?
I like the rewards idea and I think we have to try the positive parenting route as lord knows the punishment route isn't working! I know a lot of it is laziness on my part as I think I really need to sit down and draw up a list of boundaries and expectations. Perhaps we might start with a simple chores/behaviour list with rewards at the end of it. Is that too patronising for a teenager? I think my two teenagers are immature in a lot of ways so I figured it may help to go back to basics.
I do appreciate it is very wrong to steal anything but maybe you should have a discussion about what you expect from both girls, how you expect things to be done and in what timescales and what they are going to get from you in appreciation of doings things right and on time.0 -
I can't imagine anyone reaching the standards you deem necessary for a reward, let alone a teenager.0
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foolofbeans wrote: »Well the teenagers obviously although it doesn't appear to be working
Obviously exclusion can't be forgotten about in 24 hrs, but how long do you ' punish ' her for it? Forever?
I also think you have blown out all proportion Friday nights evening out. It was a disaster to you only, as it never went the way you had it all planned out in your head
Teenagers are glued to their phones, simple. I've been there with my step children, I hated them being on them all the time. Come the end my rule on them was not at the dinner table, the rest was just too big a battle,one that I was only going to get overly stressed about. Nowadays all I see are whole families out , all on their own devices, even me and hubby will get our phones out when out for a night. We still have the rule - not at the table though
And seriously you got mad at a balloon getting lost?
They are teenagers, not your unpaid babysitters, why did you expect them to be caring for your toddler when it was their night out as well?
Sounds to be to be a typical family night out tbh, nothing to get so distressed over that it became a disaster
My step daughter would have made your niece look to be an angel in comparison. I'm sure I went grey over night at one of her exploits. She was such a pain her mum threw her out, she came to live with us and things were so bad me and her dad ended up splitting up for a few months. However me and her dad never gave up on her, we decided there were only so many battles we had the strength to fight so we picked very carefully
There were times when I really thought I hated her, I know I certainly resented her but at the end of the day she was a troubled teenager who needed support and guidance. And yes of course she got "punished" at times, but those punishments were for that moment and not a continuous ongoing one
My step daughter is now 30 and has become a lovely young woman, and a fantastic mother herself. So she never did well at school and has never had a well paying job, but she works, keeps a home and manages the budget and has bought two beautiful children into the world. So she's not a high flyer, but she's our daughter and we are proud of her0 -
foolofbeans wrote: »Up until the exclusion there has been no need for punishment. It's been over two weeks of grounding and no wi-fi now.
seriously?? NOT unreasonable.. that IMO is utterly unreasonable.. does she have an 'end date' for this or is it until you deem the entire world a suitable place??
The thing with punishments is they need to fit the offence and 2 weeks is unreasonable.. unless she burned your house down, poisoned the cat or ate the postman! The rules need to be drawn out immediately.. you did X therefore this is the punishment and will last 2 days, 3 days, beyond that it is pretty pointless.. they stop caring.. they don't see the point in trying to do anything to improve matters because you're the worlds biggest b!tch ever in their eyes.. unreasonable and just using your bigger size to your advantage.. bullying if you like. Is there anything set out that can reduce the 'sentence'? 'we will knock off half a day if you do this'
I cannot believe you or anyone would think 2 weeks punishment is reasonable for anything.
I don't think she is being unreasonable at this point I think you are.. You are not setting boundaries you are moving goal posts you are changing the rules to suit your mood.. I think you resent your niece and are taking out your frustration on her by the harshness of your treatment.. she is a child.. she is with you because her parents didn't get to know her or bother trying to find an effective means of communication leading her to seek attention.. I cannot imagine how she is feeling.. unwanted, unloved, disliked, unlovable.. do you see how damaging this can be to her as an adult? Possibly with her own children?
My dad once grounded me for 6 weeks when I was 15.. pretty futile as the only place I ever went was my nanna's.. She was the one who suffered after the first week the 'new routine' was fine.. I sat in my room 24/7.. listened to music, knitted, did very little else.. I kind of liked it tbh.. I don't have a relationship with him or my nanna now..LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0 -
Regarding the loss of the balloon, could they not have been set a punishment of buying the toddler a new one or organizing a play session with him to make up for it?0
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Regarding the loss of the balloon, could they not have been set a punishment of buying the toddler a new one or organizing a play session with him to make up for it?
Or everyone wave madly shouting 'bye balloon' .... and make it exciting rather than creating a drama.. its a balloon not a limb flying away!
I'd put money on it that within an hour the toddler had forgotten!LB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0
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