Ran out of punishments

System

Pigpen - I see what you're saying, I actually hope it never comes to needing to punish, I'm just trying to be prepared for the worst case scenarios where it might be needed, and it certainly wouldn't be used without talking as well to make something come of it - since the op said they ran out of punishments, that's all this is as an idea, and they already cut WiFi, so this is just one step further if having mobile Internet offsets that.

Ive never actually needed or wanted to discipline my boy and perhaps it is avoidable, I don't know, maybe it is needed, I had discipline, and I had respect for my elders, and I don't know if I would've had that respect for them without it, I'll have to see what is necessary and only do the necessary and make it count

System

And parking tickets as an example, are effective, just teaches that actions have consequences, you'd never be able to talk the public into parking nicely, you have to force them

VfM4meplse

GwylimT wrote: »

My brother has discovered the best punishment for his daugter, locking away all of her makeup!

A stroke of genius, to be sure.

Although if anyone tried that with me, I'd kill 'em

missbiggles1

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

Pigpen - I see what you're saying, I actually hope it never comes to needing to punish, I'm just trying to be prepared for the worst case scenarios where it might be needed, and it certainly wouldn't be used without talking as well to make something come of it - since the op said they ran out of punishments, that's all this is as an idea, and they already cut WiFi, so this is just one step further if having mobile Internet offsets that.

Ive never actually needed or wanted to discipline my boy and perhaps it is avoidable, I don't know, maybe it is needed, I had discipline, and I had respect for my elders, and I don't know if I would've had that respect for them without it, I'll have to see what is necessary and only do the necessary and make it count

Well, you can forget that hope for a start - you've got a baby, not an angel!

Given that he's only one, your second point is hardly surprising.

System

Missbiggles - Some things you might be able talk them out of, possibly, at this age distraction has been enough so far. I haven't wanted to knock him back at this stage as building confidence will be part of a happy and successful life, and that confidence can be hard to regain. And he is genuinely much happier and livelier than all other babies I've met, no bad intent so far so no need to punish. Maybe a little mischief but again distraction is enough now and reasoning could handle that later.

But I'm well aware that evil intent can happen in teens and adults and this needs swift confrontation by whatever means

foolofbeans

Thank you for the helpful input.
DD has said it was both of them but niece doesn't want to admit is as she's scared of getting thrown out I know both of them have smoked previously and they know it is their choice to smoke but they are not allowed in the house and I won't pay or support it.
I'm going to ask social worker if there's any chance of family counselling as niece's arrival has thrown the whole family dynamic out although I doubt there will be any help as that seemed to have stopped when she left her parents home. I will set up a family meeting and talk about what is expected and a chore list for all the family.
Niece and DD got some money for working today and I suggested it might be an idea to give some back for DH's tobacco but they haven't been forthcoming with it. Again it feels like there is no remorse.
Time to draw a line and hopefully move on (again).

pigpen

foolofbeans wrote: »

Time to draw a line and hopefully move on (again).

And that is the important bit.. say your piece.. face the music.. hopefully everyone learns something and tomorrow brings a new day and a new set of challenges.. my oldest at 24 is still by far the most challenging of my brood.. My 7th just hit the teen years a couple of weeks ago.. I hope I have learned a lot from raising my older ones to find more productive ways forward.

Keep talking.. those lines of communication are the best way to fend off conflict.. love and understanding and forgiveness. xx

foolofbeans

suki1964 wrote: »

Tbh op, I'm wondering where you are
Was not too far back that you were splitting with OH , moving away, near penniless, dividing the family etc etc
18 months ago. I guess it depends on your perspectives but it seems a lifetime ago most days.
And now you are posting about a niece who in your own words you begrudge doing anything for
Perhaps you need to sort yourself out before you try to sort out a very impressionable teenager
I admit I'm overly emotional and have problems with depression which is why I try to stay positive and focus on the future as that seems to help me deal with things. Hard when the household is in a negative atmosphere. Niece has nowhere to go and I do believe she is better here than being in social care particularly as she is immature and needs monitoring.
If I were her, living in ŷour home sounds to be hell. It's all PUNISHMENT.
It's been two weeks since niece was excluded and DD put inappropriate things on social media. Do you think exclusion from college should be forgotten about the next day? We went out on Friday night and that ended in disaster as teenagers spent the time trying to find free wi-fi spots and ended up losing a balloon of my youngest child because they were messing about with their phones. So I am trying to bring treats in but they are not making it easy.
Who are you actually trying to punish?

Well the teenagers obviously although it doesn't appear to be working

foolofbeans

BigAunty wrote: »

I haven't refreshed my memory by re-reading the original thread (so apologies if I'm off track) but one query I had with it was how many times and how long a duration were the punishment(s) for.
I ended up being confused by the punishments metered out and for what particular bad behaviour each was for, it seemed a bit diffuse. It seemed that the niece was being permanently punished for being a general nuisance...
So exactly what was the grounding for, the end of the allowances and removal of the wifi for, how long was each punishment supposed to last and when were they due to end?

Up until the exclusion there has been no need for punishment. It's been over two weeks of grounding and no wi-fi now which I don't think is unreasonable considering DD had priviliges taken away for a month when she had a succession of school detentions (no suspensions ever).
I'm as fed up as the kids and would love to give some freedoms and had given chores in the hope they could redeem themselves and we could talk about privileges being reinstated but they didn't manage to do one thing right and created more jobs for me so I wasn't in the best frame of mind to praise them.
In the past week we've had to tell them three nights in a row about their noise as they decided to mess about and chat at midnight and had been fairly quiet up until that time!
Friday was a night out and that went wrong when they lost my toddlers balloon through their messing about with their phones and each other.
Today was the tobacco incident so I don't think we're being too mean in continuing the punishment but I can clearly see it's not working. I had not mentioned an end date for reinstating privileges as I honestly didn't expect it to be day after day of them not being remorseful and still carrying on misbehaving.

balletshoes

thats what teenagers do you know - if they have their phones with them, they will seek out wifi spots, its pretty much an automatic response if they have their phones with them.
Why were the teenagers holding onto a balloon that belonged to the younger one anyway?

I think you do have very exacting standards of behaviour, do you ever let the little things go, pick your battles as it were?

You also keep referring to them not being remorseful - how do you expect them to show this remorse?

The open-ended punishment - again, not wanting to have a go here, but if your girls think its never going to end, why would they bother trying to do any of it? Would you consider giving them, say, a week to behave themselves (following a group discussion where you listen to them about what they consider good behaviour around the house is) and then at the end of that week if they have done that, they get their privileges back?