Ran out of punishments

pandora205

http://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/how-do-you-discipline-teenagers/
http://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/what-to-do-if-your-teen-is-lying-to-you-or-stealing/

pigpen

onlyroz wrote: »

You've tried punishments, so how about doing something positive. So simple rewards (film rental, cinema trip, phone top-up, chinese/indian/pizza delivery etc) in exchange for periods of good behaviour or help around the house etc.

exactly my thoughts.. Do something fun/positive with them.. all go for a manicure or haircut where you can all sit together and chat..

Sit down with them and let them choose their own punishments.. sounds ridiculous.. but it does actually work.. obviously if they say their punishment should be 12 shots of vodka and a 400g dairy milk you draw the line, but household chores.. we call this community service.. floor washing, cleaning out the fridge, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming etc..

Have a 'family chat' every week about overall housey things.. see how things are going and moving forward.. you can include budgeting and bills in here to teach them about such things.

And.. make some time for your daughter.. if she is used to you being all hers she may be a bit resentful of suddenly sharing you.

edwink

Sorry you are having such a hard time of it all with them.

When I was younger and did something wrong of course I got told off for it. Later if I did something else wrong I got told off for that too and that's how it went within our family of 4 children. In the end we were all told we could start again from scratch and that is what we did. Everything naughty that was done got forgotten and gradually there was harmony in the camp. Not everyday but most days. We learnt to help around the house and help with preparing meals where we could chat as a family and not just sit in our room sulking because we had been told off once or twice. Which we hated because we had nothing to do but tidy our rooms and then read.

Do they have any hobbies like swimming or sports classes. Maybe something like that would help them let off a bit of steam. Even if you all go for a walk together and chat. Maybe get to know each other better and understand what each of you wants from each other.

Maybe you could all sit in the living room in the evenings and if one of them goes out and comes back smelling of smoke you have your culprit. If they want a smoke they won't want to be sitting with you and you DH all evening. Try that and see what happens. No telly watching just chat or maybe play a board game and get to know each other better. They and you and you DH may not like it at first but who knows you all may start to enjoy it.

Hope that is of some help to you. And I hope you manage to get it all sorted because you will wear yourself in to the ground mentally.

Wishing you all the best.

Edwink x

balletshoes

Spendless wrote: »

I read a previous thread of yours and at the same time was having a particularly challenging time with my own 15yo. Separately both me and my DH started reading books about parenting, something I remember about the books was the punishment had to fit the 'crime'.ie they needed to be related. I think I remember reading about how your daughter was told to clean windows because of mis-use of social media?? If I'm correct I think you need to go to punishments that are 'linked.'

The punishment that fits the crime in this case, is to me that she replaces the tobacco, so stop any money she has until it is paid for.

that would be both niece and daughter in this case, as neither of them has owned up and the OP doesn't know which one has taken the tobacco.

balletshoes

pigpen wrote: »

exactly my thoughts.. Do something fun/positive with them.. all go for a manicure or haircut where you can all sit together and chat..

Sit down with them and let them choose their own punishments.. sounds ridiculous.. but it does actually work.. obviously if they say their punishment should be 12 shots of vodka and a 400g dairy milk you draw the line, but household chores.. we call this community service.. floor washing, cleaning out the fridge, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming etc..

Have a 'family chat' every week about overall housey things.. see how things are going and moving forward.. you can include budgeting and bills in here to teach them about such things.

And.. make some time for your daughter.. if she is used to you being all hers she may be a bit resentful of suddenly sharing you.

with teenagers this is a really good idea - they have opinions and ideas, and they should be taken into account, or at least asked, before making a list of punishments. Include them fully in the conversation.
eta - in my household, the effective punishments include groundings (ie no visits to friends or by friends) and withdrawal of my teenager's phone/tablet. She knows these are on "the list" of punishments.

System

How about completely cutting electricity to the room?

bouicca21

I think there s far too much talk of punishment. !!!!!! chill.

pigpen

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

How about completely cutting electricity to the room?

What exactly would that achieve??.. anger, arguments, yelling, upset, resentment... just the things for a happy household!

'grounding' in my house is 5 minutes.. they sit on a chair in the room with me and they are not permitted to talk or fidget or have any gadgets or anything.. for a whole 5 minutes... DS3 once sat the 1.5 HOURS until we got our 5 minutes.. It is the most effective punishment FOR HIM.. he spent the first 1 hour screaming and crying and yelling... and the next 20 minutes fidgeting and grumbling about the injustices of his treatments.. it was in breach of his human rights and allsorts.. and 5 minutes just muttering to himself... he was 15 at the time so not a toddler.. and all I said on repeat was '5 minutes' ... '5 minutes' ... every time we restarted '5 minutes' ... we implemented this a grand total of.. twice.. the threat is enough now.

suki1964

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

How about completely cutting electricity to the room?

Now I know you aren't at all wise and have no idea whatsoever in bringing up a cohesive family

meritaten

I would start with a 'Family Meeting'. conducted as if you were in the Board room! set an agenda, have paper and pencils for everyone and provide a refreshment tray! Tea, coffee, pop and biccies or little cakes.
then allow everyone to have their say for say 2 mins (kitchen timer good for this).
topics could include
Curfew times
Tv times
Bedroom tidying - responsibilities and limitations
Chores - what is reasonable what is not!
see where I am going? you can really find out what your teen thinks if they know you HAVE to listen to them for those two minutes!
and perhaps the more 'formal' atmosphere will stop the strops!
Worked in my house.