Parenting: who comes first?

cbrown372

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Did you not see this as your duty as a parent, though?

Never mind that your ex didn't, that's a matter for his own conscience (if he has one).

Do you have kids yourself?

Mrs_pbradley936

meritaten wrote: »

a brave person to say it? then perhaps they should have said it sooner and let that child be adopted or fostered.
but they don't do they?
it takes a braver person to take on the challenge and see it through. the bad times and the good. and you know what? That's being a parent. and those that regret it? perhaps they were just crap parents and blaming the child.

In my case my regrets only surfaced once they were well into their late 20s and not living with us! The baby, toddler and childhood days were delightful. The teenage years shall I say "trying" and in the days when my parents would have said "you made your bed ........" and as such I would never, ever have confided in my parents. I suppose it is my fault that he felt able to approach me.

heuchera

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Motherhood, to me, isn't where you cease to exist as a person. It's where you are yourself and you share your life with the most precious things you can have for a few short years until they are ready to make their own way.

I think this is what the thread is about, isn't it, - whose needs come first. I'm sure most mums don't relish most of the tedious tasks they have to do. Changing baby's nappy, getting up to them in the night, dealing with toddler tantrums. Cleaning the house, budgetting, getting the shopping in. Not exactly glamorous or exciting stuff. :rotfl:


It was the fact that you see having done this as having lost 15 years and that you're going to make up for it now that made me think wow that's sad


A lot of people want and need something outside of the home. Not everyone is cut out for a life of domesticity My brother's wife for instance, - highly intelligent woman, senior consultant working 12 hour shifts in a very stressful hospital environment. She copes with that brilliantly. But when she had her first baby she went to pieces! Babies don't follow the rule book.. as she found out. Luckily for her she is paid enough to be able to return to work and the baby enjoyed being in the creche.


I guess everyone copes with different things and adapts in different ways and we all just have to make the best of what we have.

FBaby

heuchera, are you a single working mum with no support from family and friends worried about money?

If not, I just don't think you can really comprehend the utter sense of desolation and feeling trapped that the above can lead you to.

I have no regrets whatsoever having had my children and in my case, they gave me a sense of being. I can look back and see that I wasn't really 'me' until I became a mum. However, a lot of what JoJo wrote stroke a cord and at times when I did feel that all I was doing was surviving for the sole purpose of bringing up my kids the best I could and had forgotten who I was. It wasn't depression but a similar feeling which I think is brought on from utter exhaustion, mentally, physically and psychologically, and I can see how once your children have gone and you look back, you might wonder why you gave everything to having little left to celebrate besides the satisfaction that you did your job.

You can't forget that there is a life after raising your children, and if you don't prepare for it, you might find that it is much harder to pick up from scratch.

mumps

I think people who don't understand that being a mother can feel too much, too awful have been lucky. I have had two that didn't sleep, total exhaustion to the point of feeling you are going to collapse, lack of sleep is a recognised form of torture. Yes I remember the terror about waking them if I went to the loo or got up for a drink, just sleep, let me rest even if I can't sleep. The people who would tell me the secret of getting a baby to sleep, didn't you notice I had two others who were never a problem, slept like babies in fact, all patronising advice welcome.

A child in hospital for surgery, oh I remember the sheer misery, the wishing I could have the operation, the realisation that being a mother, loving them so much made me so vulnerable, nothing in the world could ever hurt me as much as watching my child in pain. The recovery, visiting the surgeon and hearing he had to go through it all again in a few months.

Sitting in the Consultants office, a baby under two weeks on my lap. The Consultant not wanting to tell my husband the results of his tests, the looking nervously at me and eventually delivering the devastating news. Me thinking of how am I going to look after him, and the baby and the two year old at home, what about the teenager trying to do his A levels, what happens when I go back to work. If husband can never work again I have to go back.

I wouldn't be without any of them but oh my God would life have been easier as a single woman, less pain but maybe less joy as well.

Prothet_of_Doom

As a bloke, I'm amazed looking back at my wife's single minded belief that children, need their mother. We planned our lifestyle and finances around one income, and she let her career, fall by the wayside, and but her very soul into turning these 2 screaming monsters (babies are not cute when you've had an hours sleep in 48 and that was in the car at lunch time in the office car park) into well adjusted, happy, hard working adults.
In hindsight, I think It would have been more sensible for us both to have worked part time. I think my employer would have been okay with that as a number of women dropped to reduced hours, and to refuse a bloke would have been sexist.
I digress. We gave our children everything they needed, including the ability to understand the difference between need and want.

mumps

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

As a bloke, I'm amazed looking back at my wife's single minded belief that children, need their mother. We planned our lifestyle and finances around one income, and she let her career, fall by the wayside, and but her very soul into turning these 2 screaming monsters (babies are not cute when you've had an hours sleep in 48 and that was in the car at lunch time in the office car park) into well adjusted, happy, hard working adults.
In hindsight, I think It would have been more sensible for us both to have worked part time. I think my employer would have been okay with that as a number of women dropped to reduced hours, and to refuse a bloke would have been sexist.
I digress. We gave our children everything they needed, including the ability to understand the difference between need and want.

Sometimes circumstances conspire and it isn't possible to follow the plan single minded or not.

Jagraf

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

As a bloke, I'm amazed looking back at my wife's single minded belief that children, need their mother. We planned our lifestyle and finances around one income, and she let her career, fall by the wayside, and but her very soul into turning these 2 screaming monsters (babies are not cute when you've had an hours sleep in 48 and that was in the car at lunch time in the office car park) into well adjusted, happy, hard working adults.
In hindsight, I think It would have been more sensible for us both to have worked part time. I think my employer would have been okay with that as a number of women dropped to reduced hours, and to refuse a bloke would have been sexist.
I digress. We gave our children everything they needed, including the ability to understand the difference between need and want.

I don't agree that they necessarily need their mother to sacrifice a career. They need to know they're loved which can be done in a multitude of ways, including keeping a career. My DD was at nursery full time from very very young and is also a well rounded adult.