Parenting: who comes first?

VfM4meplse

This is a question for parents: to what degree did having children change your outlook on life? There is suddenly a dependent child to consider, does that mean you set your own ambitions aside and focus on the needs of the child itself, plan for their future and ignore your own needs and wants? Or does your life plan continue as usual? And are you a mother or a father?

In an ideal world there should be a balance between all things and no conflict. I'd like to know what did happen, rather than what should.

mgdavid

middle ground; one views the family as a group entity which takes precedence over individual wants.

Alikay

IMO before working out who comes first, you decide what things are "wants" and what are "needs" - physically, mentally and emotionally. Obviously a child's want for a new bike wouldn't eclipse a parent's need for car insurance, just as a parent's wish for a night out shouldn't trump a child needing new shoes.

In reality it's usually pretty straightforward for most of us, and I don't recall any evenings spent making flow charts to decide on priorities when our children were younger. All relationships; parent/child, husband/wife, boss/subordinate employee require compromise and making choices.

clairec79

My children's NEEDS will always come first - their wants are as much as a priority as any other family members wants - so will come after someone else's needs

balletshoes

I'm a mum, I'm not always the highest earner out of my husband and I, but sometimes I am, and mine is the salary that pays the bills and puts the food on the table.

I didn't have ambitions regarding a career before I became a Mum, and I don't now. I have a job, one which I've had for over 30 years, and which allows us to have the standard of living we do. I've never been a "want a big house and fancy car" type of girl, we have a nice house thats big enough for us all, and a car which gets us from A to B.

My ambitions have been more towards travel and seeing the world, I love my holidays, and having a child hasn't restricted that really. When she was little, she went wherever we went . Now she's a teenager her views on where she'd like to go on holiday are as valid as mine, so in that sense I may be a little restricted, but I view that as a short-term thing, in 5 years or so she'll be an adult with her own life to lead.

My child's needs do come before mine, thats part of my role as a parent I feel.

FBaby

to what degree did having children change your outlook on life?

It didn't because my outlook was to have children and therefore dedicate myself to them. Saying that, it did come a time when I did have give up on a plan that meant a lot to me because it was better for my children not to go ahead with it, giving up a very good opportunity. As it is though, life has been kind though as I wouldn't have met my wonderful OH if I had!

In the end, it does depend on what personal need we are giving up for what benefit to the child. It's a common dilemma for parents who consider separating. The decision to do so is often based on the adult's need, not the children, yet separation doesn't have to mean that the children will suffer as a result, and in many cases, will actually turn out to be better for them too.

I also think that giving up all your needs for your children can lead them to a sense of entitlement that might not be good for them either. This is exactly what happened with my sister. My mum had her late in life and gave up everything to devote her life to her. She is now a very lonely person whilst my sister has turned out into quite a selfish adult.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Mixed.

He put his needs first. Mine didn't even come into it. Or the kids'.

So I lost fifteen years I'll never get back again, having to try and put them first (but not always managing it, because I'm not perfect).

Making up for lost time now, though.

Jagraf

My ideal of being a parent is very different from the reality I experienced - because life happens and I think you have to muddle through as best you can, and hope for the best. Sometimes you put your kids first for a reason, other times they need to not be your priority for their self development.

If I had a virtual list of what I thought it would go like, and his it actually went, they eoukd be very different.

But mostly as long as you love them, they come out ok😊

onlyroz

VfM4meplse wrote: »

This is a question for parents: to what degree did having children change your outlook on life? There is suddenly a dependent child to consider, does that mean you set your own ambitions aside and focus on the needs of the child itself, plan for their future and ignore your own needs and wants? Or does your life plan continue as usual? And are you a mother or a father?

In an ideal world there should be a balance between all things and no conflict. I'd like to know what did happen, rather than what should.

I think the best gift you can give your children is to show them what they can achieve through ambition. What better example can a parent provide than by having a rich and rewarding career, which is balanced with quality family time. Don't also forget the benefits that a larger household income can bring, including being able to afford a larger house, and to take the family on holidays to interesting places.

It should never be an either/or between your own interests and your child's. The two are intertwined.

meer53

I never had a life plan. I'm the sort of person who goes with the flow. I've always worked and managed a nice life style, before and after my kids were born. Having children made me appreciate the simple things in life more, especially when my daughter was born prematurely and quite ill. When you baby is in an incubator hooked up to machines and tubes, nothing else is important.

You always have to focus on your childrens needs, but that should be something you do without thinking. Wants are a completely different thing, my children can "want" whatever they like, they understand they can't have everything they want.

We don't live in an ideal world, some people will sacrifice their ambitions, some won't, there's no right or wrong but i feel that children are more rounded when they are brought up to understand they have to accept it's not all about them.

VfM4meplse

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

.He put his needs first. Mine didn't even come into it. Or the kids'.

Sad but a reality for some. How common is this for new fathers, now?