Parenting: who comes first?

Spidernick

sweetme wrote: »

I'm a mother. Four children, from age 19 to age 8. I work full time and I am pursuing a career. I work full-time, Monday to Friday, long days. I'd like to think there's an even balance but there isn't. I've sacrificed school plays, assemblies, trips, missed sports days etc because of work and the guilt I feel is horrendous. I devote my entire weekend to my children, and there's the evening activities they have too. I might sound a little selfish here but between work and the children there is no time for me to read, or catch up with friends, I've very little social life, and I often end up feeling isolated and lonely. I do try to make a boot camp a couple of times a week but usually end up with my youngest tagging along so it feels like I never escape!

Don't feel guilty - we all need some 'me time' to keep us sane!

Although not in the same boat as you, I can certainly relate to how you feel. We have no family close by who might be able to help look after the kids and so are envious of our friends, who all seem to have help and can go out quite regularly. Saying that, these days my ideal evening is at home, I just wish the kids would give us a bit more peace at times!

VfM4meplse

missbiggles1 wrote: »

The plural related to posters who are parents. The post is about one's own needs v the needs of your child, nothing about where your partner (hopefully the child's other parent) and his or her needs fit into the hierachy.

I think that's quite an important difference.

Nope, it was intended to be read as either or both parents. If you can re-phrase this to avoid the ambiguity you perceive, I'll edit the OP accordingly.

sweetme

Jagraf wrote: »

Your kids will be fine, don't feel guilty. My daughter went to nursery full time because she liked nursery, not because I had to do it. Is there anything they can do at the weekend to leave some time for you? Don't look at it as "making up to them" I'm sure they feel secure.

I firmly believe that guilt and parenting walk hand in hand . I know it's not forever too. Give it 5/6 years and I'll almost have my freedom back!

emsywoo123

Mrs_pbradley936 wrote: »

Mine are grown up now but in all honesty had I known what motherhood involved I would never have had children. Financially we have always been OK so they have not hampered us there - I just don't think the emotional input is reciprocated to the extent that it makes it worth while.

I have read this a few times and cannot seem to find the words to express all the things it made me think and feel! :eek:

DUTR

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I have read this a few times and cannot seem to find the words to express all the things it made me think and feel! :eek:

Your reply is ambiguos, do you mean you are shocked that the OP is being truthful that being a parent is not all rosy and everybody should do it? Or are you saying you share some of the sentiments?

emsywoo123

DUTR wrote: »

Your reply is ambiguos, do you mean you are shocked that the OP is being truthful that being a parent is not all rosy and everybody should do it? Or are you saying you share some of the sentiments?

See, I was so surprised I managed to apparently say absolutely nothing!!

No one is claiming it is all roses round the door, but I have never read someone so blase about stating if they had their time again they would not be a mother, and saying they have not been "hampered" financially by their children............ and that being a parent is not worthwhile?

Andypandyboy

emsywoo123 wrote: »

See, I was so surprised I managed to apparently say absolutely nothing!!

No one is claiming it is all roses round the door, but I have never read someone so blase about stating if they had their time again they would not be a mother, and saying they have not been "hampered" financially by their children............ and that being a parent is not worthwhile?

Then perhaps you have young children?

Those of us who have adult children may not have had the same experiences but I suspect most of us can at least see where MrsP is coming from. She is being searingly honest and I suspect many people actually feel similar but are not as honest. As a parent of adult children it is hard to sit back and watch them make serious mistakes and not take advice.

I think what she is saying is that for the best of reasons her children wanted for nothing financially, but they didn't appreciate that it wasn't effortless, and when they had to make the effort themselves it came as a huge shock that income was not all dsposable.;)

It is emotionally draining to sit back and watch and know your input will not be well received. I think I have had it relatively easy with mine, but I have seen friends go through the mill.

DUTR

emsywoo123 wrote: »

See, I was so surprised I managed to apparently say absolutely nothing!!

No one is claiming it is all roses round the door, but I have never read someone so blase about stating if they had their time again they would not be a mother, and saying they have not been "hampered" financially by their children............ and that being a parent is not worthwhile?

I guess it's because many get judged on what they post, that is not to say parents are always happy with their choice/situation, but it's hard to deny that it is frowned upon to say "if one had their time again they would not make the choices they did" including offspring , perhaps our own parents may have thought that who knows?

balletshoes

emsywoo123 wrote: »

See, I was so surprised I managed to apparently say absolutely nothing!!

No one is claiming it is all roses round the door, but I have never read someone so blase about stating if they had their time again they would not be a mother, and saying they have not been "hampered" financially by their children............ and that being a parent is not worthwhile?

its sad, but true, some parents, having gone through it, wouldn't do it again. I think it takes a brave person to say that.

missbiggles1

emsywoo123 wrote: »

See, I was so surprised I managed to apparently say absolutely nothing!!

No one is claiming it is all roses round the door, but I have never read someone so blase about stating if they had their time again they would not be a mother, and saying they have not been "hampered" financially by their children............ and that being a parent is not worthwhile?

Perhaps some of us are more honest and/or have friends that are? It 's certainly something I've discussed with some of my friends.