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Parenting: who comes first?
Comments
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I don't have children, but most of my friends do, so I've been a neutral observer for the past few years. What I've noted is that:
- all pregnancies and births are different
- all babies are different (some people seem to take personal offence if what worked with their baby doesn't with someone else's!)
- everyone's perception and experience of being a parent is different
- parents are horribly judgemental about other parents
And yet everyone seems to worry about some blissful ideal of being the perfect family, with the perfect life-balance with everything going to plan. People compare themselves cosntantly to ridiculous celebrities, to the lifestyles in women's magazines, to their friends, to their parents, to their neighbours.
I always say to my friends that if they're worrying about being a good parent, that makes them a good parent by default.They are an EYESORES!!!!0 -
I guess it's because many get judged on what they post, that is not to say parents are always happy with their choice/situation, but it's hard to deny that it is frowned upon to say "if one had their time again they would not make the choices they did" including offspring , perhaps our own parents may have thought that who knows?
^^I can vouch for this, I have a few friends who confide in me saying that they regret having their kids but then in the next breath say they would not change it for the world. 'It's hard work, but it is worth it' That old chestnut.
I have one friend who keeps getting pregnant, she told me all four of her kids were unplanned. She confides in me face to face or on the phone telling me her kids have more or less ruined her life and she has no time for herself. Then, more or less at the same, she time will post pictures on social media saying that she loves her kids and she loves being a mother with a hashtag as a prefix.
Someone earlier posted that it was blase and alien to them that people would say that if they had the time back they would not be a parent. Search Google 'I hate being a mum/mom/dad' etc. I have seen posts where the OP says 'No one told me it would be like this, I wish I didn't listen to everyone else and I felt pressured by peers and family members'
Posts like that are common, because of the anonymity of the internet. It is not PC to verbally proclaim that you regret or wished things were different when it comes to parenthood. You will be classed as public enemy number one if you said that.
I have another friend who is annoyed with her mother for not babysitting at least three times a week. Maybe the grandmother doesn't want to, maybe she feels that she has done her job looking after kids and she wants to enjoy her golden years instead of running around after kids. My friend had a hair appointment and she asked her mum to have one of her kids, the grandmother said 'no, it is not convenient!' This friend is a single mother and often vents that she gets no help and it is hard and her kids are a handful etc.
My friend who had the unplanned pregnancies asked me if and when I am going to have kids?!! So has the one I just mentioned above. Talk about misery loves company!
If anything, it is seeing how miserable my friends it that has made me not want children. That and the way the world is becoming now but that is another story!
Also, when parents say they cannot wait for their kids to fly the nest so they will have their freedom back....you will never be childfree. They MAY become 'boomerang kids' fly the nest and a major life event fails (such as the loss of a job or broken relationship) and they come straight back home. Plus, they will always be a worry. You never stop being a parent when the child turns 18 or whatever age they feel they are able to stand on their own two feet.
JMO0 -
Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »I don't have children, but most of my friends do, so I've been a neutral observer for the past few years. What I've noted is that:
- all pregnancies and births are different
- all babies are different (some people seem to take personal offence if what worked with their baby doesn't with someone else's!)
- everyone's perception and experience of being a parent is different
- parents are horribly judgemental about other parents
And yet everyone seems to worry about some blissful ideal of being the perfect family, with the perfect life-balance with everything going to plan. People compare themselves cosntantly to ridiculous celebrities, to the lifestyles in women's magazines, to their friends, to their parents, to their neighbours.
I always say to my friends that if they're worrying about being a good parent, that makes them a good parent by default.
excellent post!0 -
Yes, it sounds like your bitterness is more to do with your choice of partner/childrens father and your poor financial situation rather than the kids themselves.
If the girls went on to be live with or be brought up by their dad (you mention you became free of the responsibility, so presumably it went to someone else?), as their mother you would obviously never have allowed that to happen if he were a terrible father who was violent towards them.
All interesting feedback for the OP, and interesting to hear peoples experiences, good or bad.
They grew up. That's all.
I'm not bitter - I regret it, but I can't change the past.
Because I was the only one who cared about them enough to stick around - because they needed me, none of this was ever their fault and I love them - I had a miserable time because there was no support or any opportunity to take care of my needs in the relentless slog that was trying to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and clothes on their backs.
They were shortchanged, (albeit less than had I also been a sociopath with a steroid habit) because they didn't get to see the best of me. They deserved a parent who was happy, capable of doing more with them, one who didn't lie there at 3.30am after a sleepless night worrying whether the rent could be paid, thinking 'I need a wee. Please, please don't wake up. I'll wait. I'll just have to. I can't do this tonight. And then, just turning over, to hear from the other room, through two firmly shut bedroom doors 'Mummy!', knowing that this was going to be part 2 of another 40 hour stretch of a job I hated, plus the travel, plus the clockwatching kids' club boss, plus the travel, plus the shopping, plus the tantrums, plus the housework...
I genuinely believe that had I been able to do things that I felt I needed - like sleep, talk to adults outside the work environment, leave the house without them in tow occasionally, breathe without somebody else always being there, or that actually are a fundamental part of who I am and what I'm actually good at (music/teaching music) rather than not being allowed to because I apparently had no right to do something that was important to me, they would have had a better, more competent and relaxed parent in their lives. Which they deserved. Instead, they got a fairly rubbish one who wanted to be better, but couldn't do it because what she needed to be able to be that better parent was put out of reach.
They were smart, beautiful, remarkable children and they deserved the best. They didn't get it.
Which is why I believe that putting the needs (and yes, some of the wants) of the parent is as important as the needs of the children; you can't have one without the other.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll0 -
Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »They deserved a parent who was happy, capable of doing more with them, one who didn't lie there at 3.30am after a sleepless night worrying whether the rent could be paid, thinking 'I need a wee. Please, please don't wake up. I'll wait. I'll just have to. I can't do this tonight. And then, just turning over, to hear from the other room, through two firmly shut bedroom doors 'Mummy!', knowing that this was going to be part 2 of another 40 hour stretch of a job I hated, plus the travel, plus the clockwatching kids' club boss, plus the travel, plus the shopping, plus the tantrums, plus the housework...
Everybody has to clean their house :rotfl:
And yes small children can be demanding and frustrating. But getting so uptight that you can't even go for a wee in case your child hears you??
It sounds like you really weren't cut out for what motherhood entails. That's not a criticism, - not everybody is, and it's better to be honest about it rather than try forcing yourself to be something you're not. You're obviously creative, a musician and you need your own company and your own space. Hopefully your life now is more enjoyable!left the forum due to trolling/other nonsense
28.3.20160 -
Parenthood is intertwined with life experiences - parenthood is extremely difficult if life experiences don't go according to plan.Never again will the wolf get so close to my door :eek:0
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Everybody has to clean their house :rotfl:
And yes small children can be demanding and frustrating. But getting so uptight that you can't even go for a wee in case your child hears you??
It sounds like you really weren't cut out for what motherhood entails. That's not a criticism, - not everybody is, and it's better to be honest about it rather than try forcing yourself to be something you're not. You're obviously creative, a musician and you need your own company and your own space. Hopefully your life now is more enjoyable!
I don't think its to do with motherhood - it's to do with the circumstances you are a parent in. My husband left me for the woman he was having an affair with, with a toddler and a huge amount of debt. I'm a brilliant mother but I didn't enjoy it. The pain of sharing her, the pain of debt, the pain of marital breakdown. I endured parenthood at that stage. Was that because I wasn't cut out for motherhood? And I get the not wanting to wake your child when you haven't slept. Seems perfectly natural and normal to me.Never again will the wolf get so close to my door :eek:0 -
Everybody has to clean their house :rotfl:
And yes small children can be demanding and frustrating. But getting so uptight that you can't even go for a wee in case your child hears you??
It sounds like you really weren't cut out for what motherhood entails. That's not a criticism, - not everybody is, and it's better to be honest about it rather than try forcing yourself to be something you're not. You're obviously creative, a musician and you need your own company and your own space. Hopefully your life now is more enjoyable!
Motherhood, to me, isn't where you cease to exist as a person. It's where you are yourself and you share your life with the most precious things you can have for a few short years until they are ready to make their own way. The time I had with my eldest was great, the first few months with the youngest were blissful - and I don't even find small babies particularly interesting, compared to children, who are funny, cute and I enjoy being around. I work in schools and I enjoy even great lumpen teenagers full of hormones and angst and silliness. And the vast majority of the kids actually like me and do as they're asked immediately.
The circumstances of actually trying to cope with ZERO support made what I wanted to do and be impossible. That's not being incompetent as a mother, that's why I think support is vital unless you're a saint. Which I'm not.
I know you're trying to be kind, but it's actually hurtful to be told you weren't fit to be a parent.
I know I was.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll0 -
Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »Because I was the only one who cared about them enough to stick around - because they needed me, none of this was ever their fault and I love them - I had a miserable time because there was no support or any opportunity to take care of my needs in the relentless slog that was trying to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and clothes on their backs.
Never mind that your ex didn't, that's a matter for his own conscience (if he has one).Value-for-money-for-me-puhleeze!
"No man is worth, crawling on the earth"- adapted from Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio
Hope is not a strategy...A child is for life, not just 18 years....Don't get me started on the NHS, because you won't win...I love chaz-ing!
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VfM4meplse wrote: »Did you not see this as your duty as a parent, though?
Never mind that your ex didn't, that's a matter for his own conscience (if he has one).
Duty and love. Doesn't mean I had to enjoy it, though. And certainly doesn't mean they will ever thank me for it - because they got the shattered half a person trying to get them up, get fed, get to school, get the homework done, pay for their entire lives, pick their washing up off the floor, not start skivving off school at 16 because the first boyfriend was more interesting than staying in school, not spend all night on the phone to said boyfriend, that had no interests beyond getting through each hour and day without something going wrong, rather than the good bits that other people's children are getting to see because I'm not the physically exhausted wreck I was trying to do everything.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll0
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