Parenting: who comes first?

pigpen

I love being a parent.. good job really .. if I had my time over I'd not change very much.. their dad maybe.. and a few things I wish I had done differently but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I've learned and am still learning.. and am proud of that.

I totally understand that parenting is not for everyone and some struggle massively.. and admitting you wish you hadn't bothered is a very bold move.. but admirable in a way.

To the question of 'who comes first' ... the one with the greatest need at that time.. I make time for everyone and sometimes someone has to wait or go without while I deal with someone or something else, but I get round to everyone eventually. My own needs are rarely met, way down the list am I.. for now.. on the 21st my needs are first. at Christmas my needs are first which is why Santa is coming a day early.. tomorrow my day is shredded between children and grandchildren and OH's needs.. its all very busy.


but that.. 'the one with the greatest need at that time' ... is my answer

meritaten

to me - there is no 'balance'. you have a child and that child comes first.
if your 'career' means so much to you and there is no room for kids - don't have kids. You can have a career and kids - many people have done this. it means setting aside 'family time' and making this 'sacrosanct'. not neglecting family in favour of 'work'.

emsywoo123

The replies to my post have been insightful.

Anyone who regrets becoming a parent has my complete pity, how utterly depressing.

catkins

Mrs_pbradley936 wrote: »

I am guessing that your daughter is still a child and I would agree that they are delightful. When they grow up and marry the wrong person (more than once). Get into trouble with their finances and ask for your help, then you find that while you are paying their bills they are eating out. Then when you try to sit down with them and help them organise their money they scream abuse at you and refuse to speak to you for months the delight wears rather thin.

Maybe I have strange or unusual friends but quite a few of them have had so many problems with their children. Drug taking, getting into trouble with the police (2 have been to prison), having their children steal from them, physical abuse from their children

emsywoo123 wrote: »

See, I was so surprised I managed to apparently say absolutely nothing!!

No one is claiming it is all roses round the door, but I have never read someone so blase about stating if they had their time again they would not be a mother, and saying they have not been "hampered" financially by their children............ and that being a parent is not worthwhile?

I have met a large number of people (men and women) over the years that say although they love their children if they could go back in time they would choose not to have any. As I say above, a lot have had problems with their children. Also quite a few that are divorced say the problems started when they had the first child.


Quite a few men say that once there was a child they just felt unloved, unwanted and unneeded

balletshoes wrote: »

its sad, but true, some parents, having gone through it, wouldn't do it again. I think it takes a brave person to say that.

No one knows what having a child will be like until they have one and then, of course, it's too late to decide maybe it wasn't for you.


I do think it takes a brave person to admit it and I bet there are plenty of people that will never admit it.


You only have to look at the figures for child abuse or neglect to realise lots of people didn't make the right decision about whether to have children or not.

meritaten

a brave person to say it? then perhaps they should have said it sooner and let that child be adopted or fostered.
but they don't do they?
it takes a braver person to take on the challenge and see it through. the bad times and the good. and you know what? That's being a parent. and those that regret it? perhaps they were just crap parents and blaming the child.

DUTR

meritaten wrote: »

a brave person to say it? then perhaps they should have said it sooner and let that child be adopted or fostered.
but they don't do they?
it takes a braver person to take on the challenge and see it through. the bad times and the good. and you know what? That's being a parent. and those that regret it? perhaps they were just crap parents and blaming the child.

Perhaps adoption or fostering was never an option or they were not in a posotion to consider it. And there maybe a host of other individual reasons why some feel the way they do.
As for it takes a braver person.... well there are some that are unable to ever become a parent, does that make them a lesser person?
Those that regret it may not regret it for the reasons you state, we see posts here where folk are eternally tied to some ex partner/fling, I wouldn't say any are blaming the child, it's not as clear cut as you say.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

heuchera wrote: »

In what way 'lost'? You mean the burden of being a single parent? Some men (some women even) can be very selfish and assume the other person will take responsibility for childcare, so they just get on and do their own thing. This can cause a lot of resentment, naturally.


But some people are not cut out for having children, and honestly it's better if they don't have them. When you become responsible for someone else's welfare (someone else's life, actually, especially in the early days) you cannot be selfish and self-pitying. Babies bring so much joy but the first few weeks are absolutely exhausting and you don't get much back from them.

)

Well, leaving the violence aside (the reason I became a single parent was because I took a beating rather than him thrashing a two year old with his belt for the first time.), I spent the next few years stuck in dead end jobs that would give me enough time - barely - to get to the extortionately priced childcare to pick them up. And, of course, being seen as the archetypal Single Mum, so not getting jobs on that basis.

I love both my girls, but I certainly didn't intend to become a single parent when I had them. I wanted to earn a good wage, buy a house, a holiday once a year, a driving licence, that kind of thing. None of those things happened. I also harboured a desire to play some music occasionally. He smashed my guitar into a million pieces and, to make sure I didn't get any more ideas above my station, he smashed my stereo by throwing it at me, so there wasn't any music at home at all.

Their childhoods consisted of never sleeping enough, lousy accommodation, always running late even when leaving early (public transport), having to drag them round the supermarket after a fifteen hour day or at the weekend, not being able to function after getting in from work and just passing out on the sofa, never being able to go on trips or pay for them to have nice things, do the activities they wanted to and, I admit it, I was bored when I wasn't asleep. I wanted adult company, the chance to go to a gig and watch some live music, the chance to sit down without somebody whining at me that the other one had done something. The eldest slept with her eyes practically open - I could turn onto my side in my room at 4am and she'd be instantly awake all day. The other one could stay awake until midnight. She'd wake up fine at a normal time and be happy until she found I hadn't put the right pair of socks on the top of the pile of clothes, or I put the jumper between the shirt and the vest, not between the vest and the shirt and she would go ballistic. Or I looked at her a bit funny. Or the wind was blowing in the wrong direction. And the effort to get her down the road to school resulted in her being late, which meant grief from the school. Like I wanted to be made late for work.

Oh, and Daddy acquired saint like status because I wouldn't badmouth Daddy (the GP didn't record my visit after the battering and I certainly didn't tell them he'd tried to thrash the littlest, as Social Services would have descended upon me like a tons of bricks and Nice Mr Middleclass Boy was an expert flirt, salesman and kickboxer/bodybuilder who I genuinely thought would convince them it was all in my mind and would then kill me at his own leisure). So I apparently deliberately kept them short of fun things, a nice home, holidays and happiness because I was bad and wicked and spiteful. Not like Daddy.


Like I said, I love them both. But the life I had was outright miserable, and it's only since they've left home that I've been a regular gigging musician, instrumental tutor and worked in a school. Which I enjoy - I'm good at it. But I could have been doing this twenty years ago. I should have been doing this twenty years ago.



But I'm a bad mother because I didn't see that life as everything I had ever wanted. [shrug]



If you have the right person (and they don't turn overnight into a violent swine, like mine did), you're supported to be ourself and take care of the kids, so it's not a sacrifice or a waste. But if you don't, and you're not a saint, it's misery - if nothing else, because that doesn't mean you didn't want to do your best, you tried your best, but it just wasn't good enough.

pigpen

Getting down to judging parents we do not know isn't very nice.. We all have days we struggle .. we all have challenges and the point is they did see through the hard times and stood by their children through intense hardship and you know the saying 'walk a mile in my shoes'?? How many times do you get pushed down before you say enough?? A person living with domestic violence is told to get away, free themselves well domestic abuse from your child must be worse.. As a parent you arm you child with your own moral code if they choose to walk a different path as they get older you have no control over that and sometimes wishing things different is only to protect yourself from the pain they have brought.. they no doubt love their children but just find an intolerable situation more than they can bear.. we can guide but ultimately we have to let go and sometimes that means saving ourselves first.

I've been very fortunate so far.. that doesn't mean my 4 year old won't turn out a serial killer or my 2 year old a drug addict.. that is not what I want for them and I will do my utmost to prevent it but realistically it is their choice eventually.. I will try to show them right from wrong but they may not listen. If I could force my ideas on others the world would be a very different place!

VfM4meplse

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Anyone who regrets becoming a parent has my complete pity, how utterly depressing.

I'm watching a documentary on Brady and Hindley atm. It makes me believe there may be exceptions to this rule.

Jagraf

emsywoo123 wrote: »

The replies to my post have been insightful.

Anyone who regrets becoming a parent has my complete pity, how utterly depressing.

Do you not think you can be so hurt being a parent that you regret it? How about if you love your child so much but they abandon you? What about if they are constantly suffering through illness? What about if you have been through an acrimonious divorce and sometimes you don't even know where your child is? Do you think you only regret it if you don't love them?

I can only imagine the heartache some situations bring and can very much understand why some people would choose not to be parents if they had the choice again. And it's nothing to do with whether they love them.