Parenting: who comes first?

heuchera

missbiggles1 wrote: »

You seem to have left one very important component out of the picture - the child's other parent.

Only if you choose to read it that way.. the original question said parents. Having a child will affect both of them, assuming they are both together and/or bringing up the child together.

heuchera

jjj1980 wrote: »

It was always done his way but rarely even included my daughter and I!


He took her to his parents once when she was about 7 weeks old, (I wasn't welcome as his parents had been very rude to me when I had her and said I was never allowed in their house again) . He told me to drive to the house within 45 minutes of his arrival there to pick baby up as she was on 2-hourly feeds and at the time, due to infection control, only her own parents could feed her but in his words "That's the mother's job". He had been out the night before and stayed at his friends house. then turned up home 30 minutes earlier than arranged to collect her and I hadn't had time to change her nappy. I gave him the changing bag as he was adamant he wasn't waiting around and told him to change her as soon as he reached his parents house. I turned up at the agreed time to collect her and she was soaked through and stunk! I was really upset and just rushed home to get her clean. He came home later that night screaming at me to never drive away from him again, that I had no right to expect him to change her nappy as even the thought of a dirty nappy turned his stomach. So instead he had left a baby that should only have been around a week old in a nappy that was so dirty and wet, her skin burnt and peeled off. There are so many times that he didn't lift a finger when she was tiny and I was still recovering from her delivery that I don't remember how I coped.


It made me a huge mix of fuming and really upset when during the divorce, he tried to accuse me of being an unfit mother by making up really disgusting lies and threatening to take custody of her of just disappear with her.


Thursday just gone makes it 5 weeks since he has seen her. His contact that was arranged and set during the divorce and via intervention CAFCASS is only 1 hour per week! He is constantly cancelling. Didn't even come on the day of her birthday as his mother was returning from holiday and he wanted to pick her up from the airport!

I am not saying for one minute that all men are like this^^, some are very doting dads and think the world of their children, but I do think there's a massive difference between being a mum and being a dad, in terms of the emotional bond with the child. Dads generally don't seem as bothered about spending time with their baby and far more dads abandon their family than mums.

Andypandyboy

You need to pick your life partner wisely if you intend to have a family with them. Having children also needs to be joint decision.

Mrs_pbradley936

jjj1980 wrote: »

I really wanted to multi-quote but cannot figure out how to do it!!


I have to agree with Heuchera's post, it seems to echo my feelings. Although I must disagree with Mrs pbradleys' post in that I cannot think of anything more worthwhile than seeing how settled and happy my little girl is.


Before I was pregnant, my career meant the world to me. It was not unusual for me to be working 12 hour days, 5 das a week plus an extra 5-6 hours on a weekend morning. It wasn't really what you would call a high-flying role but it was one I really enjoyed.


As soon as I found out I was expecting my daughter and especially following her premature delivery, it's still important to me that I show her a good work ethic but also that I am there for her whenever she needs. I used to love being in my own company, driving around just to be out in the car etc. Now, I love nothing more than spending my time with her. We are rarely apart outside of school/worktimes, have a fantastic bond that people say is totally obvious within a short time spent in our company. My heart melts every time she randomly says "Mummy, I love you" or throws her arms round me for a hug.


Her needs will always come above any of my wants. My needs occasionally have to come first depending on how important they are but only after looking at all the options.


I am soon going to be starting an open university course which will help further my career but my first thought when looking into it was how a better work position will mean I can provide for her even better. At the moment, whilst not relied upon as the payments are few and far between, it is a massive help if I get any child support. However, a better role for me will mean higher income and the chance to start putting some money aside for my daughter.

My ex-h is one of those that didn't want his life to be affected by having a child and wanted none of the responsibility. Everything baby/home related fell on my shoulders and he resented even the smallest request for him to help.

I am guessing that your daughter is still a child and I would agree that they are delightful. When they grow up and marry the wrong person (more than once). Get into trouble with their finances and ask for your help, then you find that while you are paying their bills they are eating out. Then when you try to sit down with them and help them organise their money they scream abuse at you and refuse to speak to you for months the delight wears rather thin.

heuchera

You want to put your foot down, Mrs p Bradley. I don't know many people who have done those things to their parents.

PlymouthMaid

If you can meet your own 'needs' whlst still keeping your child(ren) happy, healthy, safe and secure then that is what you do. If your own wants and needs will adversely impact on your child then a good parent would not go ahead with them if there is a choice. For example, I would have liked to continue with my embryo career once a Mother but since their Dad had a stressful job and worked abroad most of the year and we had no family nearby, I had to give up for quite a few years. I dont regret it but do wonder how different my life and finances would be now but at what cost to my children.

Mrs_pbradley936

heuchera wrote: »

You want to put your foot down, Mrs p Bradley. I don't know many people who have done those things to their parents.

I think that what has happened is that one of my sons cannot keep himself in the manner in which he was brought up. We have always lived in nice houses in good areas and had decent cars. He thought the fairies paid for it all and when he got into the big wide world he had a shock!

prosaver

mrs p i know how you feel urgh ...

Jagraf

sweetme wrote: »

I'm a mother. Four children, from age 19 to age 8. I work full time and I am pursuing a career. I work full-time, Monday to Friday, long days. I'd like to think there's an even balance but there isn't. I've sacrificed school plays, assembly's, trips, missed sports days etc because of work and the guilt I feel is horrendous. I devote my entire weekend to my children, and there's the evening activities they have too. I might sound a little selfish here but between work and the children there is no time for me to read, or catch up with friends, I've very little social life, and I often end up feeling isolated and lonely. I do try to make a boot camp a couple of times a week but usually end up with my youngest tagging along so it feels like I never escape!

As an aside their Dad is re-married and doesn't see the kids at all. His choice not mine, and not for want of trying to change that too.

Your kids will be fine, don't feel guilty. My daughter went to nursery full time because she liked nursery, not because I had to do it. Is there anything they can do at the weekend to leave some time for you? Don't look at it as "making up to them" I'm sure they feel secure.

missbiggles1

heuchera wrote: »

Only if you choose to read it that way.. the original question said parents. Having a child will affect both of them, assuming they are both together and/or bringing up the child together.

The plural related to posters who are parents. The post is about one's own needs v the needs of your child, nothing about where your partner (hopefully the child's other parent) and his or her needs fit into the hierachy.

I think that's quite an important difference.