Parenting: who comes first?

heuchera

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Mixed.

He put his needs first. Mine didn't even come into it. Or the kids'.

So I lost fifteen years I'll never get back again, having to try and put them first (but not always managing it, because I'm not perfect).

Making up for lost time now, though.

In what way 'lost'? You mean the burden of being a single parent? Some men (some women even) can be very selfish and assume the other person will take responsibility for childcare, so they just get on and do their own thing. This can cause a lot of resentment, naturally.


But some people are not cut out for having children, and honestly it's better if they don't have them. When you become responsible for someone else's welfare (someone else's life, actually, especially in the early days) you cannot be selfish and self-pitying. Babies bring so much joy but the first few weeks are absolutely exhausting and you don't get much back from them.


To answer your question, OP, I think your own wants and needs don't magically disappear once you have a child, but they probably change somewhat. If having a child is what you really want, you are prepared for the responsibility and won't see it as some awful burden. But if you value your independence and want to do your own thing (nothing wrong with that per se) then don't start a family.


Sorry I'm waffling, I hope some of this makes sense

enthusiasticsaver

Interesting poser as we have just waved goodbye to our darling 10 week old granddaughter who stayed overnight last night with us and we said we had forgotten how much life revolves around children - personally I love that:) They are our future, I see how my lovely daughter is now raising her own child with her husband and that would always take preference over most other things.


When we had our two lovely girls almost 30 and 28 years ago now every decision we made took their needs into account. My husband worked long hours in London which was stressful and we could not afford a nice house in the area we wanted to live in with good schools so we moved away. That meant sacrificing the city lifestyle ( not a problem for me) and reduction in career opportunities for my OH but less stress and more family time. No brainer really. When I got pregnant and had my first child I gave up full time work but worked Saturdays for some adult time when my OH was able to look after our young daughters. That helped financially and also helped my OH bond with our girls as he was working all week. When mortgage rates shot up I went back to part time work (in the 90s) but sacrificed career opportunities by going part time rather than full time so I could take the girls to and from school. When they went to University I worked full time to help them financially.


None of the sacrifices we made with regards to career or lifestyle were important in our eyes as we did not see them as sacrifices but something you do to help your family. The pleasure we have had from our daughters and now granddaughter has more than made up for that. I don't think anyone on their deathbed is thinking of careers, it is people who matter in life imho.

Spidernick

If most people thought fully about what being a parent involves beforehand I think that many would skip it!

Personally I felt it important to spend as much time with the kids as possible when they were younger (and actually wanted to spend time with me and my wife!) as you never get that time back if you don't make the most of it. Some people just don't get that and I had a very awkward job interview a couple of years back with such a person, trying to defend myself as to why I hadn't pushed my career forward at that time. He obviously thought I wasn't driven enough, but I thought he was out of order!

Mrs_pbradley936

Child's needs first when they are very young because if you do not feed them they will starve and if you do not wash them they will be dirty. As they grow up and that does not apply you can start to put yourself forward more often.

Mine are grown up now but in all honesty had I known what motherhood involved I would never have had children. Financially we have always been OK so they have not hampered us there - I just don't think the emotional input is reciprocated to the extent that it makes it worth while.

jjj1980

I really wanted to multi-quote but cannot figure out how to do it!!


I have to agree with Heuchera's post, it seems to echo my feelings. Although I must disagree with Mrs pbradleys' post in that I cannot think of anything more worthwhile than seeing how settled and happy my little girl is.


Before I was pregnant, my career meant the world to me. It was not unusual for me to be working 12 hour days, 5 das a week plus an extra 5-6 hours on a weekend morning. It wasn't really what you would call a high-flying role but it was one I really enjoyed.


As soon as I found out I was expecting my daughter and especially following her premature delivery, it's still important to me that I show her a good work ethic but also that I am there for her whenever she needs. I used to love being in my own company, driving around just to be out in the car etc. Now, I love nothing more than spending my time with her. We are rarely apart outside of school/worktimes, have a fantastic bond that people say is totally obvious within a short time spent in our company. My heart melts every time she randomly says "Mummy, I love you" or throws her arms round me for a hug.


Her needs will always come above any of my wants. My needs occasionally have to come first depending on how important they are but only after looking at all the options.


I am soon going to be starting an open university course which will help further my career but my first thought when looking into it was how a better work position will mean I can provide for her even better. At the moment, whilst not relied upon as the payments are few and far between, it is a massive help if I get any child support. However, a better role for me will mean higher income and the chance to start putting some money aside for my daughter.

My ex-h is one of those that didn't want his life to be affected by having a child and wanted none of the responsibility. Everything baby/home related fell on my shoulders and he resented even the smallest request for him to help.

VfM4meplse

jjj1980 wrote: »

My ex-h is one of those that didn't want his life to be affected by having a child and wanted none of the responsibility. Everything baby/home related fell on my shoulders and he resented even the smallest request for him to help.

How is it that some men can be so selfish? Did he ever consider your daughter when you had to make plans as a family, or was it always done his way?

DUTR

VfM4meplse wrote: »

How is it that some men can be so selfish? Did he ever consider your daughter when you had to make plans as a family, or was it always done his way?

I trust that is your in the plural and not singular to the poster?
If singular, you can see why some are just willing to give up 15% net and be done with it , it's a difficult balance I agree, but the love has to be shared or the mistress seems a great proposition, we have seen enough posts about it all. Life won't stop for the kids and I'm glad my parents still dedicated time for themselves, you only get one life.

missbiggles1

VfM4meplse wrote: »

This is a question for parents: to what degree did having children change your outlook on life? There is suddenly a dependent child to consider, does that mean you set your own ambitions aside and focus on the needs of the child itself, plan for their future and ignore your own needs and wants? Or does your life plan continue as usual? And are you a mother or a father?

In an ideal world there should be a balance between all things and no conflict. I'd like to know what did happen, rather than what should.

You seem to have left one very important component out of the picture - the child's other parent.

sweetme

I'm a mother. Four children, from age 19 to age 8. I work full time and I am pursuing a career. I work full-time, Monday to Friday, long days. I'd like to think there's an even balance but there isn't. I've sacrificed school plays, assembly's, trips, missed sports days etc because of work and the guilt I feel is horrendous. I devote my entire weekend to my children, and there's the evening activities they have too. I might sound a little selfish here but between work and the children there is no time for me to read, or catch up with friends, I've very little social life, and I often end up feeling isolated and lonely. I do try to make a boot camp a couple of times a week but usually end up with my youngest tagging along so it feels like I never escape!

As an aside their Dad is re-married and doesn't see the kids at all. His choice not mine, and not for want of trying to change that too.

jjj1980

VfM4meplse wrote: »

How is it that some men can be so selfish? Did he ever consider your daughter when you had to make plans as a family, or was it always done his way?

It was always done his way but rarely even included my daughter and I!


He took her to his parents once when she was about 7 weeks old, (I wasn't welcome as his parents had been very rude to me when I had her and said I was never allowed in their house again) . He told me to drive to the house within 45 minutes of his arrival there to pick baby up as she was on 2-hourly feeds and at the time, due to infection control, only her own parents could feed her but in his words "That's the mother's job". He had been out the night before and stayed at his friends house. then turned up home 30 minutes earlier than arranged to collect her and I hadn't had time to change her nappy. I gave him the changing bag as he was adamant he wasn't waiting around and told him to change her as soon as he reached his parents house. I turned up at the agreed time to collect her and she was soaked through and stunk! I was really upset and just rushed home to get her clean. He came home later that night screaming at me to never drive away from him again, that I had no right to expect him to change her nappy as even the thought of a dirty nappy turned his stomach. So instead he had left a baby that should only have been around a week old in a nappy that was so dirty and wet, her skin burnt and peeled off. There are so many times that he didn't lift a finger when she was tiny and I was still recovering from her delivery that I don't remember how I coped.


It made me a huge mix of fuming and really upset when during the divorce, he tried to accuse me of being an unfit mother by making up really disgusting lies and threatening to take custody of her of just disappear with her.


Thursday just gone makes it 5 weeks since he has seen her. His contact that was arranged and set during the divorce and via intervention CAFCASS is only 1 hour per week! He is constantly cancelling. Didn't even come on the day of her birthday as his mother was returning from holiday and he wanted to pick her up from the airport!