Layabout niece

VfM4meplse

foolofbeans wrote: »

I am quite demanding when it comes to tasks but niece is definitely being slapdash in her attitude, Big Aunty's description of the passive aggression seems spot on. Cleaning two kitchen windows took 2 days :eek: Granted they are small panes of glass but still - two days?! I had to explain about getting a bucket of soapy water, using a sponge and rinsing and then drying with paper towel after. Then I had to tell her to rinse the bubbles off before attempting to dry. Then I had to tell her to clean the inside so she could tell whether the drying was getting rid of the streaks or not. There are still a couple of panes that are streaky and clearly have bubbles left on them but I gave up after two days.
Cleaning the outside porch involved clearing the bits that had accumulated, sweeping and mopping and then she left everything out on the path instead of putting it back or away or asking what to do with it. Left the mop bucket in the bath too so I had to clean that out after :mad:

I think you like tasks to be completed in a certain way, ie to your exacting requirements.

If that is the case, show her how it is to be done the first time and then let her get on with it afterwards. Be clear about the end result that it is you want to see.

She may even get a taste for perfectionism herself.

BigAunty

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I think you like tasks to be completed in a certain way, ie to your exacting requirements.

If that is the case, show her how it is to be done the first time and then let her get on with it afterwards. Be clear about the end result that it is you want to see.

She may even get a taste for perfectionism herself.

Not convinced about setting that task for a teenager, even as a punishment (on top of other punishments like being excluded from school and grounded, etc).

And that type of technique is streak-prone.

I only ever wash windows (and very rarely at that) with either damp newspaper followed by drying off with dry newspaper, or white vinegar on and squeegee off.

Beckyy

Could you go back to the college and appeal her exclusion, or ask if she can continue her course with some aspects more home based if they've found her disruptive in lessons. What was it she was studying? Being at home all day will only make her feel worse.

Would you consider an allowance for completing chores? Having the chance to 'earn' her money and have some to spend on what she likes may help her mood improve.

Do you get much of a chance to spend quality time with her? I appreciate you have your own children to consider also, but maybe going out together for a coffee or Christmas shopping etc. might help her to open up a bit more and feel like she is being treated more like an adult.

What is is the career route she wishes to pursue?
Would there be any apprenticeships available in things she is genuinely interested in doing?
Would it be worth her going to the job centre to look for any Christmas temp jobs or similar? Maybe there is a careers advisor at her college who can assist her in something she can do. There may be courses starting January she can apply for.

missbiggles1

kitrat wrote: »

I have to agree with the reply above, is that all she did to get excluded? Honestly that's tame compared to what some kids who are still in school do. Equally I think a child should have to do something pretty awful for me to chuck them out of my home and withdraw all support for them. Some kids mature faster than others and she is still a child, perhaps if she's so very immature that has something to do with the parenting she's had? She must be feeling pretty awful at the moment. It doesn't excuse her behaviour but I think she needs to have some love forced upon her! Also I would definitely be carp at cleaning windows at that age.

Students, in the main, choose to leave school and go to college because they'll be treated as adults. This is obviously a good thing but it has the corollary of expecting them to behave more maturely and not like delinquent 14 year olds.

I'm also amazed that so many people think that this girl's behaviour is nothing out of the ordinary and something that a college (or school for that matter) should just accept. No wonder there's such a lot of poor behaviour from teenagers when adults are happy to let them get away with it and even consider it to be normal.

onomatopoeia99

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

They excluded her for that? I thought it would be for something serious, like theft or violence.

Disrupting the education of the other students is very serious. It demosntrates massive selfishness on the part of the young woman involved.

At the secondary school I attended you'd get away with the things she is reported as doing for perhaps 30 seconds, then it would be the headmaster, who would have your parents / guardians take you home until you said you would behave.

Once you were in the sixth form you were there by choice, and you were expected to behave as such. There was no tolerance for the sort of behaviour outlined. Never mind the staff, it's not fair on the other students that actually want to learn, they shouldn't be forced to endure to someone disrupting the lesson, so if that someone will not behave they should be removed.

onlyroz

Is she too old for a bit of bribery? E.g. "Do chore xyz and I'll take you to the cinema", "Help me with the laundry and I'll let you choose a nice dessert to go with dinner", "Clean the car and I'll pay for that phone top-up you want".

My daughter is only 6, but her behaviour has improved no-end by allowing her to earn stickers that she can exchange for sweets. I know a 16-year-old is too old for stickers, but in general it's better to reward good behaviour rather than always harp on about the bad.

foolofbeans

Social worker is coming today so hopefully we can air our issues and move forward. I'm just not sure where forward will be. Niece sitting at home for the next three months seems to be highly likely but is not an agreeable option for me.

I understand my attitude towards niece comes across as horrible and I hate that I feel this way. I'm just struggling to get past her lack of remorse for the situation we are now in. I seem to have spent my time settling niece in, arranging college attendance, paying for travel, food, clothing and a bedroom and ferrying her about and feel it has all been thrown back in my face. I have tried being understanding and all that achieved was an exclusion from college.
It has only been a week so I'm not yet at the stage where I want to give niece cake or pocket money as that feels like a reward for bad behaviour. We had already told niece that in this house we work or stay in education - I just need to figure out how to get her in to either.
Is it really unreasonable to expect niece to get to work herself? I did it, DH did it, most of my friends did it. DD regularly walks 2 miles to see friends and thinks nothing of it. I had thought about buying a moped for niece but again it is too early after bad behaviour and could seem like a reward. Additionally we are now £45 a week worse off and therefore there are priorities on where we spend money.
I also don't think it unreasonable to give one-off tasks as punishment. Should I allow niece to sit at home watching tv and expect that she will suddenly realise the error of her ways? DD may be going to college next year and I don't want her to think that if you misbehave and get excluded you get taken out for cake, given pocket money, no chores and you can sit at home all day.
Always more questions than answers but the views have been very helpful and allowed me to consider my response to niece a lot more carefully.

Pollycat

foolofbeans wrote: »

Social worker is coming today so hopefully we can air our issues and move forward. I'm just not sure where forward will be. Niece sitting at home for the next three months seems to be highly likely but is not an agreeable option for me.

I hope the meeting is productive.

foolofbeans wrote: »

I understand my attitude towards niece comes across as horrible and I hate that I feel this way. I'm just struggling to get past her lack of remorse for the situation we are now in. I seem to have spent my time settling niece in, arranging college attendance, paying for travel, food, clothing and a bedroom and ferrying her about and feel it has all been thrown back in my face. I have tried being understanding and all that achieved was an exclusion from college.
It has only been a week so I'm not yet at the stage where I want to give niece cake or pocket money as that feels like a reward for bad behaviour. We had already told niece that in this house we work or stay in education - I just need to figure out how to get her in to either.

I understand your frustration at doing such a lot for your niece and seemingly having it thrown back in your face.

foolofbeans wrote: »

Is it really unreasonable to expect niece to get to work herself? I did it, DH did it, most of my friends did it. DD regularly walks 2 miles to see friends and thinks nothing of it. I had thought about buying a moped for niece but again it is too early after bad behaviour and could seem like a reward. Additionally we are now £45 a week worse off and therefore there are priorities on where we spend money.

I'd probably be OK walking 2 miles to and from the bus stiop, but then again I've always been used to walking - and have decent footwear and clothes - and catching buses, but I know my sister and her niece (similar age to your DD & niece) would be horrified at the prospect (they've always been used to driving/being driven everywhere) so I guess it depends on your niece's upbringing - and wardrobe.
If all she has is 2" platforms and 4" heels and a short denim jacket, it's really not going to work if it's raining cats & dogs, is it?
I'm assuming the 2 mile walk is safe for a 15 year old.

foolofbeans wrote: »

I also don't think it unreasonable to give one-off tasks as punishment. Should I allow niece to sit at home watching tv and expect that she will suddenly realise the error of her ways? DD may be going to college next year and I don't want her to think that if you misbehave and get excluded you get taken out for cake, given pocket money, no chores and you can sit at home all day.
Always more questions than answers but the views have been very helpful and allowed me to consider my response to niece a lot more carefully.

I think you should give her tasks to do as part of the household, rather than as a punishment.

And I would take the time to explain to her how you like things done instead of expecting her to know - her parents may have done things very differently to you - and tell her how things should be left after she's done the job.

justme111

Op, I think you are a star.
You trying to do something very difficult and if something is very difficult it has the odds stack against one, if outcome of it all is not as you wished it to be don't blame yourself, its just a mammoth task. It is great that you could see it a bit differently after posting here.
Ps. I would not pass your window washing test either

Stevie_Palimo

I thought this was the norm for all teenagers to be honest and have never seen anything different to the I will sulk all day every day and think that the world is a horrible place syndrome.


A swift kick up the backside wouldn't go amiss and not in real terms but money wise if you give her any and also some rule changes Ie:- time to come home cut back by an hour or so and say when you behave as we expect you to we will then treat you as a young adult.