Layabout niece

justme111

Ps. As 16 yo has never done ferrying around , arranging college , paying stuff with her money she is not able to appreciate it by definition.

missbiggles1

Pollycat wrote: »

I hope the meeting is productive.


I understand your frustration at doing such a lot for your niece and seemingly having it thrown back in your face.


I'd probably be OK walking 2 miles to and from the bus stiop, but then again I've always been used to walking - and have decent footwear and clothes - and catching buses, but I know my sister and her niece (similar age to your DD & niece) would be horrified at the prospect (they've always been used to driving/being driven everywhere) so I guess it depends on your niece's upbringing - and wardrobe.
If all she has is 2" platforms and 4" heels and a short denim jacket, it's really not going to work if it's raining cats & dogs, is it?
I'm assuming the 2 mile walk is safe for a 15 year old.


I think you should give her tasks to do as part of the household, rather than as a punishment.

And I would take the time to explain to her how you like things done instead of expecting her to know - her parents may have done things very differently to you - and tell her how things should be left after she's done the job.

The niece is 16, coming up to 17.

Pollycat

missbiggles1 wrote: »

The niece is 16, coming up to 17.

Yes, you're right.
It's my niece who is slightly younger.

But the question of safety still stands.

Someone used to walking - maybe not on pavements - may cope much better than someone used to living in a city.

I'm not saying the 16-almost-17-year old shouldn't walk, but chucking her in the deep end, possibly expecting her to walk in darkness may not be the best way forward.

pmlindyloo

You can continue to get child tax credits if she registers for various career agencies.

https://www.gov.uk/child-tax-credit-when-child-reaches-16

Might be worth investigating as it could focus her mind on her future.

I know I am going against the general opinion here but as well as feeling sorry for you (teenagers can be such a pain) I also have some sympathy for your niece.

For whatever reason, she has been abandoned by her parents, is involved with social services and has been expelled from college. Yes, she may well be to blame for a lot of this but teenagers do need 'nurturing' and it seems that something has gone wrong with her previous upbringing and you are now being left to 'pick up the pieces'.

If you are not able to do this and are lacking support from your immediate family then it might be better for social services to step in and get her some kind of counselling and support.

Yes, she is a teenager with all the horrible 'side effects' but most parents cope one way or another - her parents seem to have taken the easy route.

bluelass

Why cant her parents deal with this?. Your niece was born to them not you. I would be telling them you created you deal.

bouicca21

I don't think tea and cake is a reward. It's a facilitation for a discussion.

And if it has only been a week, you need to step back a bit. That she doesn't demonstrate remorse doesn't mean she doesn't feel it. Many teenagers find the word sorry is lacking in their vocabulary.

What did she do to get chucked out by parents? I'm finding it difficult to work out whether this is the teenager from hell or just a magnified version of the typical sulky one. Her misbehaviour at college seems pretty mild, and I am surprised if that was all.

I suspect some work experience would do her good - volunteering in a charity shop for example. And when I suggested a bike I meant an old pushbike not a moped - that definitely would be a reward!

Pollycat

bluelass wrote: »

Why cant her parents deal with this?. Your niece was born to them not you. I would be telling them you created you deal.

I think that's probably a very simplistic solution to a very complex problem.

BigAunty

bouicca21 wrote: »

I don't think tea and cake is a reward. It's a facilitation for a discussion.

I'm with you on this one and would like to know from the OP exactly how many chores, how much loss of pocket money and how many weeks of grounding the OP considers sufficient to punish her niece for her exclusion from college (or rather her lack of remorse for her exclusion from college? or is it her lack of gratitude for things that have been provided for her? or is it her lack of aptitude for or attitude towards household chores? general laziness? lack of drive? feigning depression? impact of her behaviour on family finances? all of the previous matters?).

I can see the OPs point of view - "I don't want her to think that if you misbehave and get excluded you get taken out for cake, given pocket money, no chores and you can sit at home all day." - but I also see this gesture as a possible chance to get her to open up about her issues, perhaps accept responsiblity for her behaviour, perhaps come up with some solutions for fitting in better with the family, perhaps bond with her in a neutral place like a coffee shop, etc.

heuchera

foolofbeans wrote: »

My 16 year old niece was thrown out of home and came to stay with us. We have bought new clothes and essential items, bought a new bed and adjusted our living arrangements to fit her in and sorted out a suitable college course and travel there and back.
Recently niece was excluded from college and is now classed as NEET. She could start an apprenticeship or join the Princes Trust course which doesn't start until February 2016.
An apprenticeship is difficult as it has to be for a minimum of a year and so niece wouldn't be able to start a new college course next year which she needs to attend uni for the career route she has chosen.
The exclusion now means that child benefit and tax credits will probably stop and we will have to support niece without and financial assistance. This in itself isn't an issue really as we took her in not knowing if we would get any tax credits due to our income. However just having niece lolling about the house is really starting to irritate me. I have given lots of tasks to do but these usually involve me having to do another three jobs to clear up after her. I am just not comfortable in my own house and am pretty much annoyed all the time, particularly as niece has not shown any remorse for her actions.

I will read the whole thread through in a minute, but my initial reaction is, now you know why her parents threw her out! Your kindness hasn't helped her, she needs a good kick up the bum by the sounds of it.

BigAunty

By the way, I believe that it is possible for teens estranged from their parents to get Income Support if they are enrolled in education and not living with their parents.

I don't know the full criteria or process for claiming it. You could ask the social worker or on the benefits board. I don't know if its possible for the person to receive IS if someone else is getting tax credits for them, you'd have to check or if you'd be classed as acting as a parent.

https://www.gov.uk/income-support/eligibility

However, the flip side is that if this benefit does exist for your niece if she can get back into college and has no one acting as a parent (perhaps when she moves out of yours in the future), you may feel she is rewarded by the state for family relationship breakdown.

I can see why such a benefit *may* exist for vulnerable teenagers but I think its a shame that the first income a teenager may receive is an unearned one of £57.90 per week (not a lot for an independent adult but a goodly sum to a teenager used to pocket money).