Layabout niece

heuchera

I am a bit puzzled as to how this situation has come about.. maybe I blinked and missed it, but from what I can glean she was supposedly thrown out of college for being rude and insolent and similar with her parents, and she wouldn't say sorry? Obviously there must be a bit more to it than that, and maybe OP doesn't want to go into too much detail in case the girl becomes identifiable. But she would have been given warning after warning before finally being thrown out.


2 miles would take about 40 minutes to walk. It all depends on the health of the person and the safety of the walk (is it down a country lane in the dark, for example). If it's not too hilly I would suggest her borrowing a pushbike till she's old enough to drive.


My parents would definitely not be happy if I was lounging around at home doing nothing, and also it's not good for a person psychologically do have nothing to do, nothing to get up for. So yes she needs to find some sort of activity, and she needs to learn to get along with other people. Otherwise she'll be chucked out of the job too!!


Definitely do not give her money, and that includes nice haircuts, clothes, socialising, etc - she can get herself a Saturday job if she wants spending money. I used to live in the middle of nowhere where there was 1 bus an hour, and that's what I had to do.

Brighton_belle

OP I really admire you (and you OH) for taking in your niece and coping with these issues. I also admire your honesty on saying you are fed up with her - far better to be real. I don't think you should be expected to be a saint - you are just being human trying to fine your way in unknown territory. I'd be pretty hacked of and feel everything I'd done had been thrown back in my face too. Well done for taking on board some of the feedback to see how you can change things.
I'd really struggle with your situation and I hope some of the suggestions here continue to help you improve the situation and somehow get through to your niece.

onomatopoeia99

Pollycat wrote: »

But the question of safety still stands.

She is old enough to have a child or get on a train to Gretna and get married, she ought to be able to manage a half hour walk on her own!

edit - the thing about Gretna I was remined about in another thread yesterday, and it seemed apt here given her age.

bouicca21

As part of the tea and cake discussion you should be telling her just how her behaviour makes you feel - telling her you feel rejected may well have resonances for the way she feels too.

Pollycat

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

She is old enough to have a child or get on a train to Gretna and get married, she ought to be able to manage a half hour walk on her own!

edit - the thing about Gretna I was remined about in another thread yesterday, and it seemed apt here given her age.

I did say:

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm assuming the 2 mile walk is safe for a 15 year old.

I didn't say it wasn't safe.
Then missbiggles pointed out she is almost 17!

I also raised other questions on walking:

Pollycat wrote: »

I'd probably be OK walking 2 miles to and from the bus stiop, but then again I've always been used to walking - and have decent footwear and clothes - and catching buses, but I know my sister and her niece (similar age to your DD & niece) would be horrified at the prospect (they've always been used to driving/being driven everywhere) so I guess it depends on your niece's upbringing - and wardrobe.
If all she has is 2" platforms and 4" heels and a short denim jacket, it's really not going to work if it's raining cats & dogs, is it?

And if the walk is unlit & on lanes with no pavement - quite possible as the OP lives in a rural area - even older adults may baulk at walking.

VfM4meplse

We're now at the stage of projecting a lot of assumptions.

I'd like to hear from the OP again.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Disrupting the education of the other students is very serious. It demosntrates massive selfishness on the part of the young woman involved.

At the secondary school I attended you'd get away with the things she is reported as doing for perhaps 30 seconds, then it would be the headmaster, who would have your parents / guardians take you home until you said you would behave.

Once you were in the sixth form you were there by choice, and you were expected to behave as such. There was no tolerance for the sort of behaviour outlined. Never mind the staff, it's not fair on the other students that actually want to learn, they shouldn't be forced to endure to someone disrupting the lesson, so if that someone will not behave they should be removed.

I'm sure she was quite irritating in class, but going up in the lift with her mate who already had permission to use it, sticking her feet on the desk, eating a sandwich or saying 'school's s***' would have had very little impact upon the learning of other students. I would still discipline her, but quite frankly, my concern at work is making sure the little darlings don't try to kill one another, the kid with ASD doesn't hurt himself or anybody else during a meltdown caused by somebody sneezing behind them and nobody is sitting in silence because they haven't got a clue what has just been said and need it explained to them in a slightly different way to be able to understand it.


Think about it - as an adult, at home on the laptop, you've probably got the telly on in the background, you've got a cup of coffee beside you and your feet are likely to be up. And you're still perfectly capable of functioning. And if somebody else is in the room watching that TV, remarking when a politician comes on 'that's rubbish', you just zone out and concentrate on correcting somebody you think is wrong on the Internet.


That's why it sounds more like a school than a college to me - going ballistic over such stuff is what you do with 11-15 year olds (most grow out of it by then, they don't suddenly do it overnight unless they've got severe problems at home and they're acting up because it's the only way they're ever noticed by anybody).


Being chucked out by what sound like over strict parents who treated her like a primary school child, then demanding her back, then not having her back, dumped on an auntie who never anticipated such a thing happening, not knowing what's going to happen to her, siblings not being nice to her/in contact anymore - that sounds like a pretty major set of problems to me.

Gingerjar

Why are her parents not providing any financial support for her? Just a thought......

Mrs_pbradley936

missbiggles1 wrote: »

She's 16 - not 6!

I thought it was just me! At 16 she could be married and when we were that age we could have left school and have been working.

Mrs_pbradley936

I think the OP is a saint. I hate teenagers - including my own when they were that age. Too old to send to bed and too young to disown. Still it does not last forever.