Layabout niece

Jagraf

foolofbeans wrote: »

A quick update while I have some privacy....
Thank you for the mainly positive responses. All comments have been pondered and I have realised that niece isn't the worst teenager on earth. I have to say her behaviour at home is very good so far. She doesn't answer back, swear, steal or lie. Of course I'm aware it is still early days and she is on best behaviour. So she behaves fairly well which makes it maddening when she didn't do so at college as she has the ability to do well.
The social worker was very helpful and although I get annoyed the help is only targeted at niece and not the rest of the family (who also have to adjust) and some perspective was found.
Apparently there is a January intake for courses so we shall look around at other educational establishments. Social worker discussed with niece and they seem to agree now that an apprenticeship may be a good route. Niece had initially had two very different career paths in mind and had chosen the care work one which seems to have brought up some old issues from her upbringing. Social worker pointed out that care work requires a mature person and if niece is not ready to pursue it now she can easily go back to it when older as it's a profession that is probably more suited to a more mature person with life experience.
We were told that niece could claim benefits (IS?) if she tells Job Centre she's staying with us temporarily. I don't like this idea as it is asking niece to lie and also the money goes direct to her and I'm fairly sure she'll be thinking she can keep it all and have more income then she has ever had.
We are having a talk later about the next steps, what is expected and an end date for punishments as I think she needs to know it's not for ever.
DH would rather we just sent her back home which isn't very supportive for me but hopefully we can show him that niece is better off here as she can then have a decent future.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I am expecting niece to be more adult than she is capable of as she has never had any freedom to grow up until now and now it must be bewildering to feel she has lost her family and friends and has been abandoned.
Wish us luck for the future and that niece will one day be the wonderful, well-rounded individual I know she has in her.

Sounds like a plan . You sound like a star and you are throwing your niece a lifeline and a safety net and that's no mean feat for you or your family, but it sounds like you are the angel she needs right now. All the luck in the world xx

Pollycat

foolofbeans wrote: »

Wish us luck for the future and that niece will one day be the wonderful, well-rounded individual I know she has in her.

I do wish you luck, you sound positive and the bit I've put in bold is really sweet. :T

Fingers crossed that she doesn't let you - and herself - down.

dancingfairy

I think having a chat about what she wants to do with the future is good.
It sounds like you're on the right track. Df

Brighton_belle

Well done OP - really impressed with how you are trying to turn things around for her and how you feel.
I hope your DH can change his view - but that isn't a criticism of him; for some it's more hard having others staying in your home.

jellyhead

Just wondering ... if this niece on your side of the family or your husband's? If it's his sibling's child then I wouldn't want to get in the middle of that unless there was a clear reason for the niece to avoid her parents.

Yes, it's income support she would get. My visitor gave me most of his to cover food, bills, etc. as it was less than I'd have got for him if I'd claimed tax credits and child benefit. If your niece ends up on it don't feel bad about taking board money off her, teenagers aren't free to feed or keep! Unless you give your own children £57 a week or whatever it is in pocket money then your niece won't expect that amount either.

Being on IS turned out better for the boy we had living with us, it's been almost 3 years now and he's still estranged from parents, and that does make a difference even when they are 19 or so. It means college are more understanding of mental health issues, trips are free and he gets a meal allowance, a bursary with which he bought a computer, and free bus pass. He was able to move in with other friends where he could have his own bedroom, and still keep his IS. He gets housing benefit for where he is now, too.

Why would it be lying? It is temporary, you haven't adopted her. She's not at college and therefore you don't get child benefit for her - it's not scrounging to get some help with the cost of bringing up a child that's not yours, even if she is family and you've willingly agreed to do it. Unless her parents are giving you money for her keep, then see it as a form of fostering allowance. I assume you'll be buying her Christmas presents, winter coat, etc? It won't be lining your own pockets, or if you think it might then keep a log of what you spend on her, and put aside any difference. My electricity bill went down by a quarter after mine moved out, and he didn't even have a bedroom of his own.

I think an end date for punishments is a good idea, and I think what you're doing for your niece is very kind. Good luck with it!

foolofbeans wrote: »

A quick update while I have some privacy....
Thank you for the mainly positive responses. All comments have been pondered and I have realised that niece isn't the worst teenager on earth. I have to say her behaviour at home is very good so far. She doesn't answer back, swear, steal or lie. Of course I'm aware it is still early days and she is on best behaviour. So she behaves fairly well which makes it maddening when she didn't do so at college as she has the ability to do well.
The social worker was very helpful and although I get annoyed the help is only targeted at niece and not the rest of the family (who also have to adjust) and some perspective was found.
Apparently there is a January intake for courses so we shall look around at other educational establishments. Social worker discussed with niece and they seem to agree now that an apprenticeship may be a good route. Niece had initially had two very different career paths in mind and had chosen the care work one which seems to have brought up some old issues from her upbringing. Social worker pointed out that care work requires a mature person and if niece is not ready to pursue it now she can easily go back to it when older as it's a profession that is probably more suited to a more mature person with life experience.
We were told that niece could claim benefits (IS?) if she tells Job Centre she's staying with us temporarily. I don't like this idea as it is asking niece to lie and also the money goes direct to her and I'm fairly sure she'll be thinking she can keep it all and have more income then she has ever had.
We are having a talk later about the next steps, what is expected and an end date for punishments as I think she needs to know it's not for ever.
DH would rather we just sent her back home which isn't very supportive for me but hopefully we can show him that niece is better off here as she can then have a decent future.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I am expecting niece to be more adult than she is capable of as she has never had any freedom to grow up until now and now it must be bewildering to feel she has lost her family and friends and has been abandoned.
Wish us luck for the future and that niece will one day be the wonderful, well-rounded individual I know she has in her.