Layabout niece

foolofbeans

Izadora wrote: »

If my parents had kicked me out and the relatives who'd taken me in showed that kind of attitude towards me being there I think I would have probably punched through the windows rather than just not cleaned them to an acceptable level...

My attitude was great until she got excluded from college. I put up with hassle from her parents, bought her necessary clothing, paid for her to go to college and have given her a very decent weekly allowance. I fought her corner at college when she was suspended so she could return only for her to mess up again two days later.
I asked her to clean the windows as I feel she should not be sat around enjoying herself after getting excluded.
I don't think it unreasonable to expect her to walk to and from the bus stop to travel for work. I did the same when I got my first job and I know many others did too. Are you suggesting I take time out of working and getting younger children to school to ferry niece to and from work when she is the one who put herself in this situation? If so, can you tell me how I explain to the school why I can't drop off/pick up my children at the proper time and who is going to pay to keep a roof over our heads when I don't get paid as I'm spending my day ferrying my niece about?

foolofbeans

duchy wrote: »

Does she know this ...or does she just see you as treating her differently to your DD ?

DD had to clean the windows and porch too - she ended up doing her half and leaving niece to do the other half as even she gets exasperated at how useless niece is. DD was in trouble for posting inappropriate posts on Facebook so is being punished at the same time. I do feel that DD should be punished less as her mischief wasn't as bad as getting excluded. I'd like to think I'm being fair and would treat my children the same as I'm treating my niece.

Pollycat wrote: »

Could you sound out your daughter to see if she knows what your niece is really thinking/feeling?

Yes! DD has said a few things that niece has said. It consist mostly of excuses why niece behaved how badly at college: Niece wasn't smoking - the teacher made it up. Niece has to eat in class as otherwise she feels faint (but can stay in bed until 1pm without getting up for breakfast). Niece knew she wasn't allowed to use the lift but did so to support a friend who had been given permission due to a broken leg. Funnily enough niece hasn't given an excuse as to why she put her feet up on tables and chairs and told teachers "school is sh*t"
So I'm still feeling that niece is taking no responsibility for her behaviour and actions and is still excusing it.

onomatopoeia99

tea_lover wrote: »

Tbh, I'd do a terrible job of cleaning windows as it just never strikes me as a priority.

You're supposed to clean windows? :eek:

tea_lover

You mentioned in your first post that she's chosen a career path. Is there anything she can do with her time now that would help her towards that - work-experience or similar?

foolofbeans

gocurlygirl wrote: »

I feel that by punishing her further,ie no pocket money etc then it is going to increase her depression and make her self esteem lower than it is now.It is difficult having someone lolling around,especially if different rules at home.
I think the idea of sitting relaxing talking with tea/coffee cake etc would be useful-how would you approach a friend with some issues? Then do it with DD too so not left out.
She has come to you as her loving aunt and I feel that is a sign of trust in you.Can social worker help with money side of things?
It is difficult not to compare your DD with D N.
.I do see where you are coming from but trying to treat her as an adult(clean as well as I do) and a child(with hold pocket money)will cause confusion-maybe arrange to pay pro rata as jobs done

It's difficult isn't it? As we are rural I have tried to ensure DD gets out and about and did the same for niece but I don't feel it's appropriate to let her out when she has behaved badly. I don't want to give pocket money again as I feel it should be based on behaviour and chores should be done just because we are all part of the same household. Definitely no money from Social Services, they are happy to donate advice only.

I don't really compare DD and niece as I do understand each child is different. DD is far from perfect too so I know what a challenge teenagers can be. I suppose the thing that bugs me is still no acknowledgement of having done anything wrong and I feel this needs to happen before we can move forward. Interestingly one of the reasons given by parents for throwing niece out was her not saying sorry.

bouicca21

My teenagers cleaned up only when paid to do so. My youngest is in her mid 20s and still thinks the floor is a wardrobe ...

I very much doubt that DN is lounging around enjoying herself. There is nothing more depressing than having nothing to do except watch daytime TV.

Have you got to the bottom of what went on at college? What made her behave in that way? Was it something about the college, the people, the course? Or was it the cumulation of stress for other reasons?

You are coming over to me as quite controlling, but then dn sounds like the teenage horrors magnified. She also sounds as though she is desperately unhappy.

Two miles to the bus stop? How about a bike?

Pollycat

foolofbeans wrote: »

Yes! DD has said a few things that niece has said. It consist mostly of excuses why niece behaved how badly at college: Niece wasn't smoking - the teacher made it up. Niece has to eat in class as otherwise she feels faint (but can stay in bed until 1pm without getting up for breakfast). Niece knew she wasn't allowed to use the lift but did so to support a friend who had been given permission due to a broken leg. Funnily enough niece hasn't given an excuse as to why she put her feet up on tables and chairs and told teachers "school is sh*t"
So I'm still feeling that niece is taking no responsibility for her behaviour and actions and is still excusing it.

I didn't mean about what happened at college but more about how she is feeling about what has happened - not at college - but in her life.

You know, trying to get to the bottom of why she's where she is now.

Of course, you know a lot more than we do but I have this vision of a 16 year old, chucked out of college - rightly or wrongly, thrown out of her own home - rightly or wrongly, being expected to walk 4 miles a day to just get to public transport, no money, not able to see any friends and getting told off for not doing jobs properly.

I think that's a pretty desperate situation to be in and I think my niece (of a similar age) would be devastated if that were her.
Don't think I'm dismissing what you've done and are doing for her but I'm just looking at the other side of the coin.

justme111

So basically you ended up in a foster parent role without training , recognition and unpaid.
I am afraid op will not qualify for foster allowance - no harm in asking of course but I guess no will be the answer.
I think whatever you do you may end up blamed here. If your husband was on board you could ask niece whether she wants to stay with you or go with social services placing here wherever , if she wants to stay with you she chooses course/volunteering place/job and does something. So that you know the score before seeing social worker. And so that if she chooses it herself there is no excuse of her not liking it/it being imposed. If she does not - then you can not help her and again it would be her choice to go elsewhere. The thing is you don't have other family members specially husband on board so I am not sure you even can offer that choice to her. May be if he sees you are managing it he will not mind.

d70cw6

just kick her out yourselves then

euronorris

It could be that, with everything that has gone in the past, she doesn't feel worthy of having anything good happening in her life and self-sabotages (with things like college). A bit of a 'well everything else goes wrong/falls apart for me, this will too, so why bother even trying!' type attitude.


How you help her overcome that, I don't know, but if the GP was able to refer her for CBT that could be very useful for her.