Layabout niece

duchy

VfM4meplse wrote: »

My niece lolls around the house all the time, and I don't mind a bit. But then she is just a few months old :rotfl:

Perhaps you would like to remember that yours is just 16 years old and just a child, is unlikely to understand the big wide world and the financial and social consequences of her actions. A bit of understanding and co-operation between the two of you could lead to a very rewarding relationship.!

Really ?

A sixteen year old who behaves so badly at college she is excluded within 3 months of the year starting (That's actually quite hard to do)

To say a young person of sixteen has no idea of consequence is ridiculous.

lisa110rry

You might be amazed at what young people in their teens do not know! My assistant (now 21 and in all ways a paragon, always assuming he understands what I'm asking him to do) had never been in to a post office except to renew his fishing licence before he came to work with me a couple of years ago and so could not stamp letters correctly! However, after an explanation of letter/large letter/small parcel, first and second class and withinUK/Europe/RestofWorld1 and RestofWorld2 he is now in charge of the franking machine among other tasks such as managing our fleet of company cars and keeping the postal and asset registers up to date. Smashing lad, hopefully one day he will replace me.

BigAunty

pogofish wrote: »

She's sixteen - that's old enough to be beginning to make her own way in the world and however much you care, it may prove better and be more supportive in the long run if you cut-back on the support that keeps enabling her.

If she has not managed to have a successful family relationship, hold down a place in college nor integrate with a family who is informally fostering her, then it's perhaps a sign she's is immature for her age and needs extra support.

The problem is that teens with emotional issues (even ones that they seem to relish and prioritise) is that at a time when they need to see the bigger picture, act on the support they receive and learn lessons from mistakes they made, they are probably at their most self-absorbed and short sighted, with behaviour and attitudes that make them repellent to people who want to support them.

I've seen this type of thing with my nephew. On paper, he ticked all the boxes for being vulnerable and requiring extra support from psychologists, education and social services. In reality, he behaved repugnantly and so any empathy or sympathy that his family and friends had for his situation quickly evaporated. He had tangible extra needs but his behaviour was so bad, that people found it difficult to see beyond his poor behaviour and attitude to the issues that caused it. He ended up homeless, in prison and a victim of violence. Yet from another perspective, he was a criminal, a nightmare of a tenant, a poor employee and a bothersome relative.

He always struck me as young for his age. I see that with some of the children of my friends with the odd one that always comes across as spectacularly mature and sensible who impress me no end and the odd one that comes across as very childish and selfish for their age.

Pollycat

OP
Maybe you could clarify if you think your niece is deliberately not doing the tasks you give her successfully on purpose or because she really doesn't know how to do them properly - or is it that your standards are actually pretty high and she's really making a good fist of doing the tasks but not to your satisifaction i.e. not how you would do them.

I think that would determine how I approached the whole situation.

Is there no way the college would accept her back?

I think the suggestions about seeing a doctor are valid.
Don't assume she's not depressed but if she isn't, then she can no longer hide behind that excuse.

Is there any chance of a part-time job?
What about charity work?

suzysue73

When I was a lot younger my mother gave me a choice at that age, get a job or get out (she was a bit tough love like that). Maybe you could talk to her and find out what she wants to do with her life at 16 i didn't know but I do remember thinking i should find out, the gym or a shared activity may help to build a better relationship where she listens to you more and isn't so lethargic?
I help out at a homeless shelter with my partner we are now much more grateful for what we have and calmer people something like this could be a big help for her.

BigAunty

Is there any chance you could have a family meeting, a polite chat with her about the rules of the house and expecations about her involvement in household tasks?

One where emotions are held in check, where it's diplomatic and where she is told to ask if she's not sure how to do something or needs to be shown again?

It sounds like her behaviour disappoints you and it sounds like she is liable to kick off over small things so this meeting may be too difficult to hold.

Even though she perhaps was partly or fully responsible for being ejected from her family and expelled from college, she is perhaps highly sensitive about how she disappoints others and is angry at the prospect of further judgements?

But is it possible to outline the family rules and how she is expected to behave without being critical about her contribution to date?

Perhaps say that you may not have been clear about what is required and appreciate that this is all new to her as it may not have happened in her last house, that you would be really thankful if she could help out and could you work together on this?

Pitch is as part of moving from adolescence to adulthood, having to do things that aren't particularly enjoyable like the washing up and so forth, that it will help her become independent at an earlier age than most have to, rather than focus on the fact that she appears to be lazy and prefers getting her own way? Pitch it as a collaborative thing to help the family, focussing on contribution in the future rather than lack of in the past.

Jagraf

OP - does she speak to her parents / have friends / go out - can you give any background as to why she was kicked out? Are her grandparents local? Are they concerned?

missbiggles1

Person_one wrote: »

What a horrible way to talk about a 16 year old, and to think its funny too.

If you don't think that some teenagers can be horrible, it's a good thing you didn't go into teaching and have to lose your naivety! And, if I'd've thought it funny, I'd've used a different smiley.

You obviously have no idea how badly someone would have to behave to be thrown out of college within the first few weeks, particularly given what they would know about her home situation. Of course, she might have left home because her parents were abusive but, if not, you also have to behave pretty appallingly for your parents to throw you out at the age of 16!

Of course, she could just be a poor wee misunderstood creature.

foolofbeans

I am quite demanding when it comes to tasks but niece is definitely being slapdash in her attitude, Big Aunty's description of the passive aggression seems spot on. Cleaning two kitchen windows took 2 days :eek: Granted they are small panes of glass but still - two days?! I had to explain about getting a bucket of soapy water, using a sponge and rinsing and then drying with paper towel after. Then I had to tell her to rinse the bubbles off before attempting to dry. Then I had to tell her to clean the inside so she could tell whether the drying was getting rid of the streaks or not. There are still a couple of panes that are streaky and clearly have bubbles left on them but I gave up after two days.
Cleaning the outside porch involved clearing the bits that had accumulated, sweeping and mopping and then she left everything out on the path instead of putting it back or away or asking what to do with it. Left the mop bucket in the bath too so I had to clean that out after :mad:
Her upbringing has been very controlled and social worker has said she was treated like a ten year old but I know she was expected to clean and tidy and do well at school. She got good exam results and only when she came here has she dared misbehave at college so I do feel like I've failed her there.
We do live quite rural so I had told niece that she had made life very difficult as her getting a job would mean I have to drop her off and pick her up however I thought about it and decided she can walk the two miles to and from the bus route as the family shouldn't be put out due to her behaviour. Anyway it turns out under 18's can only work if they also get training, so an apprenticeship. A Saturday job is ok apparently but not many of them about. I don't know who to ask about whether she can have a temp job up to Christmas
Apprenticeship is for a min. of one year which would mean being unable to start a college course in Sep 2016. So the Princes trust course is basically to teach her how to behave ready for when she can do a proper college course.
haven't approached other colleges as I thought they would only be able to offer the same thing but I will call them and ask. I'm not holding out much hope though as she was excluded and courses started three months ago so too much may have been missed already.
I love the charity work idea and will look into that. I think she has to do something in the next three months and not just lounge about.
Social worker suggested seeing the GP so I've made an appt. although they said a CAMHS referral would take years.

foolofbeans

To be fair niece is not abusive and does not back chat or strop with me. If I had a meeting I'm fairly sure she would acknowledge what I said and say the right agreeable things but probably not do any of it.
The total apathy about doing anything and not seeming contrite about the exclusion really gets to me though. She comes across as well mannered and friendly so when college talk about a rude, insolent person I fought her corner and feel this was thrown back in my face. She can behave well and does behave well as she chose the lessons she messed about in so I just can't fathom out why apart from that she would rather lounge about doing nothing all day.
She has had little contact with parents since being her and siblings were quite abusive about her leaving so I'm sure she feels quite isolated. I took her to youth clubs and she made friends at college and I said I would drop her off so she could see them at weekends but obviously I have had to ground her now and given her no pocket money so no travel. My similar aged DD is close to her but that is a bugbear as it's like having their best friend staying with them all the time so not really any punishment there.