Layabout niece

tea_lover

Does she have any say in the jobs she's doing around the house? Obviously she needs to pull her weight, like any member of the family or houseguest, but if she feels involved in things a bit more you might get a better response.

Tbh, I'd do a terrible job of cleaning windows as it just never strikes me as a priority.

Could she cook dinner or something instead?

Pollycat

foolofbeans wrote: »

I am quite demanding when it comes to tasks but niece is definitely being slapdash in her attitude, Big Aunty's description of the passive aggression seems spot on. Cleaning two kitchen windows took 2 days :eek: Granted they are small panes of glass but still - two days?! I had to explain about getting a bucket of soapy water, using a sponge and rinsing and then drying with paper towel after. Then I had to tell her to rinse the bubbles off before attempting to dry. Then I had to tell her to clean the inside so she could tell whether the drying was getting rid of the streaks or not. There are still a couple of panes that are streaky and clearly have bubbles left on them but I gave up after two days.

In fairness to your niece, if you had asked me to clean your windows, I wouldn't have done it that way.

Jagraf

I think some of the things seem like normal teen stuff (my DD would not have a clue that you should clean windows at all, isn't that for someone else to do who's bothered?:rotfl:). And she would think a porch is a sports car.

However, some of her behaviour may be because of how she feels right now so maybe take her for a hot chocolate, a big cake, and talk to her?

It's a really difficult age anyway, let alone with everything else going on :eek:

You can then gauge your actions better.

Also, my DD makes ME stamp my feet, strop and cry, she frustrates me so much lol

foolofbeans

she is asked to load and unload the dishwasher, feed the cat, tidy her room and do her own ironing. The same as DD is asked.
The other tasks have only been given because I begrudge the thought of working to pay for her to lounge about all day watching daytime tv. If she was at college she wouldn't be expected to clean the windows or the porch.

foolofbeans

Jagraf wrote: »

However, some of her behaviour may be because of how she feels right now so maybe take her for a hot chocolate, a big cake, and talk to her?

I have been quite understanding and have tried to help her in settling in and talked and listened to her when we were going through the suspension and disciplinary process.
I just feel giving her cake would seem like a treat and as she doesn't seem to acknowledge the fact being excluded is a big deal I certainly don't want to treat her.

Izadora

foolofbeans wrote: »

We do live quite rural so I had told niece that she had made life very difficult as her getting a job would mean I have to drop her off and pick her up however I thought about it and decided she can walk the two miles to and from the bus route as the family shouldn't be put out due to her behaviour.

If my parents had kicked me out and the relatives who'd taken me in showed that kind of attitude towards me being there I think I would have probably punched through the windows rather than just not cleaned them to an acceptable level...

duchy

foolofbeans wrote: »

she is asked to load and unload the dishwasher, feed the cat, tidy her room and do her own ironing. The same as DD is asked.
The other tasks have only been given because I begrudge the thought of working to pay for her to lounge about all day watching daytime tv. If she was at college she wouldn't be expected to clean the windows or the porch.

Does she know this ...or does she just see you as treating her differently to your DD ?

Jagraf

foolofbeans wrote: »

I have been quite understanding and have tried to help her in settling in and talked and listened to her when we were going through the suspension and disciplinary process.
I just feel giving her cake would seem like a treat and as she doesn't seem to acknowledge the fact being excluded is a big deal I certainly don't want to treat her.

I mean offer her an environment where she might open up to you. The amount of cake I've offered rather than screaming at each other has been very worthwhile. Exclusion is a massive deal but she will just be defensive.

gocurlygirl

Every person is different ,and it seems your niece has had some difficult circumstances.Without knowing all(and confidentiality would be vital here)it is difficult for us to help fully.I feel that by punishing her further,ie no pocket money etc then it is going to increase her depression and make her self esteem lower than it is now.It is difficult having someone lolling around,especially if different rules at home.
I think the idea of sitting relaxing talking with tea/coffee cake etc would be useful-how would you approach a friend with some issues? Then do it with DD too so not left out.
She has come to you as her loving aunt and I feel that is a sign of trust in you.Can social worker help with money side of things?
I agree she should see a doctor ,get counselling and help in that way if required.Please don't be disappointed if she does not want to do volunteering as you see it-suggestions and lots of ideas may be making her head spin.
It is difficult not to compare your DD with D N but even sisters can be totally different and your DD has had you behind her all the way.you could be her salvation.so many teens rebel-she sounds nice, polite ,a typical teen and needing love too.
One of my children DD2 caused me so much angst and upset but now is in a very successful career after graduation.I do see where you are coming from but trying to treat her as an adult(clean as well as I do) and a child(with hold pocket money)will cause confusion-maybe arrange to pay pro rata as jobs done

Pollycat

foolofbeans wrote: »

My similar aged DD is close to her but that is a bugbear as it's like having their best friend staying with them all the time so not really any punishment there.

Could you sound out your daughter to see if she knows what your niece is really thinking/feeling?