7 years - no proposal

SingleSue

Petra_70 wrote: »

I agree. IMO, if a woman gets pregnant 'accidently,' (which means it wasn't planned,) then why would she not have an abortion? If she goes ahead and has it, that suggests to me that it may not have been the 'accident' that she claims it was, and also, it suggests strongly that she wanted a baby. Otherwise, why keep it? :huh:

Moreover, if a woman does not want to get pregnant, then she will endeavour to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. It's not that hard. There are many different forms of contraception, and I am very skeptical about women who get pregnant and then go on to keep it, and claim it was an accident. As I said, if they didn't want a baby, but they 'accidently' get pregnant, then why do they keep it?

Youngest son was not planned, it was not an intentional move on my part as despite having had the contraceptive injection, breastfeeding and encouraging hubby to use condoms as an extra measure (he did when really pushed, just not all the time), it all failed. The last thing I wanted at that point was another pregnancy after everything we had been through during middle son's delivery 7 months before.

I went into a massive depression about it all but even though I thought about it, terminating the pregnancy was something that neither of us could do when it came down to it...plus it would have been a bit hypocritical after our fertility problems initially!

Pollycat

springdreams wrote: »

I don't think it is the getting married quickly that drew the madness comment, but rather the not living together first before getting married.

You don't truly know a person until you have lived with them. And habits may become apparent once you are living together that you may find you cannot live with, or the other person may have different morals, principles or standards to yourself which only become apparent once you are living together .... bit late to find this out after you are already married

I met and got married within 6 months.
We didn't live together.
The marriage lasted 11 years - and didn't end because of any of the reasons you list above - which is probably a fair bit longer than marriages between some couples who did live together before getting married.

I know lots of people - admittedly older than you may be talking about - who didn't live together and are still together.
40+ years ago, it wasn't really the norm for people to live together before marriage.

Dird

Pollycat wrote: »

I know lots of people - admittedly older than you may be talking about - who didn't live together and are still together.
40+ years ago, it wasn't really the norm for people to live together before marriage.

But they also didn't have forums with people saying "don't put up with that, give him an ultimatum" and divorce was more taboo. Back then it was probably complaining to a friend who would say "typical man, my husband's the same"

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

So why not get married?

That way he can give the person he thinks of as his wife all the legal protection that comes with the real thing.

Mojisola wrote: »

Of course not - but you do need that piece of paper to get the legal protections and financial benefits.

Person_one wrote: »

It probably doesn't need a 'piece of paper' but it might well benefit from a powerful legal agreement like marriage.

I'm not denying that there are powerful legal reasons and financial benefits to being married - especially if you have chldren together - but that doesn't seem to be the issue with the OP.
She just wants 'a proper family'.

Blueskies21 wrote: »

Yeah you are all right about the marriage and another baby and in a way I feel like I would be doing it out of principle rather than what I actually want to do.

I just feel like there was a kind of stigma attached to me giving birth at 20 with my boyfriend and I would just like to have my husband and what I feel like a proper family than a boyfriend. I know that may seem silly but it's just something I wish would have changed by the time I was having my second one.
Day to day it doesn't bother me then one day I'll just want it more than anything and it'll bother me so much - like why hasn't he done it yet! Why is he happy to just be my boyfriend. Then suddenly I'll get over it and we'll be fine.

She wants another baby to complete her family but not until she's married..
She's upset that all their friends are married but she isn't.
She also mentions - as does pigpen - that she feels she isn't good enough.
She lists the excuses given by her partner (or whatever term fits).

Maybe if all those women who desperately want to get married started with the legal and financial benefits that come with getting married, they may find a more receptive ear.
Fearing making a speech at the reception should pale into insignificance when they consider what may happen if they split up with their partner or die.

But if their partner really doesn't want to be married to them, then there's nothing to be done.

Mojisola

Pollycat wrote: »

But if their partner really doesn't want to be married to them, then there's nothing to be done.

The partner might have to decide whether not wanting to get married is more important than losing the relationship.

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

The partner might have to decide whether not wanting to get married is more important than losing the relationship.

Of course.

But putting forward a - imho - very sensible reason for getting married is far better than saying something like 'we're not having any more kids until we get married' and going on about how everybody else is married.

At the end of the day, it would - if I were in that situation - confirm whether the excuses like 'I'm scared of giving a speech', 'we can't afford it' etc are just ways of getting out of being married.
And that would give me some serious thinking to do about whether I wanted to stay with someone like that.

pigpen

Pollycat wrote: »

Pigpen
You mention that you 'feel' and you 'think'....but have you asked him point-blank why he won't marry you?

yes.. he laughed and me and hugged me and made a cup of tea..

Does he know that you feel he won't marry you because he doesn't think you're good enough and he is waiting for a better offer?

yes.. I brought it up during a conversation just a few days ago and he simply doesn't respond. Leaving me to only assume my assumptions are correct..


I'm all for up front brutal honesty... getting any kind of answer about anything out of him is nigh on impossible.. this is going to come to a very gruesome head soon.. my abusive ex is marrying an ex-prostitute/drug addict child abuser and I will not share a name with that filth.. people might think I am related to it.. the thought makes me sick.. (I wont use my maiden name because I don't like my dad, the name and its not been my name for 23 years)

Pollycat

pigpen wrote: »

Because it's not him.. it is my insecurity.. he is lovely. He would do absolutely anything I asked, he's there when I need anything .. if anything he shouldn't be as nice to me as he is.

My ex-husband was abusive and vile.. and has only got worse of late.. my neediness is vast.. I do accept this is my problem.

From other things you've posted, I can't see it being that he doesn't think you're good enough or he's waiting for a better offer.
At least - I hope that isn't the reason he's not married you.
I don't think he's being fair by not answering your question.

It does sound like you may have low-esteem issues.

Before things come to a head - never a good idea if you're trying to get someone to do something - can't you sit him down and ask him if he'll marry you?
Outline the legal and financial benefits as discussed above.

I wish you well.

Pixie5740

What about using your mother's maiden the name or just picking a completely different name like Phoebe from Friends? You could become Princess Consuela Bananahammock until you get married.

Mojisola

pigpen wrote: »

yes.. I brought it up during a conversation just a few days ago and he simply doesn't respond. Leaving me to only assume my assumptions are correct..

His ignoring your feelings is very unkind and disrespectful.


this is going to come to a very gruesome head soon.. my abusive ex is marrying an ex-prostitute/drug addict child abuser and I will not share a name with that filth.. people might think I am related to it.. the thought makes me sick.. (I wont use my maiden name because I don't like my dad, the name and its not been my name for 23 years)

Don't push your OH into a corner because of something your ex is doing.

If you are going to talk about getting married - or get him to admit he won't ever marry you - you should be doing it because of your relationship, not because of something an outsider is doing.

If marriage isn't an option but you still want to stay with him, change your name to one that you do like - you will have chosen it for yourself and it will be yours alone.