1st Christmas Together

Janey3

Oh, right, - that puts a slightly different slant on things.

red_devil

Whiteknight wrote: »

This Christmas will be the first with my girlfriend, I've been invited to spend Christmas with her and her two children. I don't have a problem with that but I am finding it very difficult to know how much to budget for gifts.
The children both want what I consider high value items and it would make sense for me to contribute towards these but I am really unsure about what would be deemed an acceptable amount. (I know that my girlfriend will struggle to buy these presents herself)

I however don't want to be viewed as the bank of Whiteknight but also don't want to appear as Scrooge and be the person who put a dampener on Christmas, we have had arguments over money previously which is why I am reluctant to speak to her directly about it, I've always saved for the things I need or what but if she needs something she will get it.

I also wonder if it would be a good idea to suggest that we have a budget of what to spend on each other but I think I know the answer to that one!

Thanks for reading

typical of today that the kids want high price items.

maman

I think helping GF with food/booze for Christmas meal is a great idea alongside token presents for the children. That way you're just 'paying your way' and being a good guest rather than making a commitment. I think it's too early for commitment after less than a year, especially with children. Keep options open.

Lily-Rose_3

Mojisola wrote: »

It saves a lot of upset/confusion if you have a ball-park figure for how much gets spent on presents. We've done that in our family for years.

Janey3 wrote: »

That is what we do too now, Mojisola, but this is a newish relationship, unless I've understood wrong.

We would never have dreamed of suggesting a budget in the first year of our relationship!

Mojisola wrote: »

They all went on holiday in the summer so it's not that new.

The OP and his G/F have been together less than 10 months. I would definitely call the relationship new.

As many have said on this thread, it's too soon to start planning budgets together, and it's certainly unacceptable for his G/F and her children to expect the OP to be spending a lot of money on presents for the children.

I would just go with giving them a voucher; itunes or something. He must know what sort of things they like. If not, his girlfriend can tell him.

Mojisola

Lily-Rose wrote: »

The OP and his G/F have been together less than 10 months. I would definitely call the relationship new.

My OH and I were married in under 10 months.

If the relationship was secure enough to survive a family holiday together months ago, they should be able to talk about finances.

Whiteknight

Thank you for all the replies, to answer some of the questions that were asked,

The argument about money is down the the fact that I am a saver and she is a spender, she has been honest with me about the fact that she cannot save. I don't want to change her but would hope that she would see the benefits in thinking before she spends.

I have spent quite a bit of time with the children and have always known that they come as a package - I don't have a problem with that (it has been quite tense at time with the oldest feeling left out when I am around and the youngest still wanting to sleep in her bed)

The children have asked her for certain gifts, and because of her lack of being able to save I know she will find it a struggle to have the money to buy them, I would like to consider myself part of the family and instead of spending money on token gifts I thought it would be better to help them get something that they really wanted and I would not be wasting my money on unwanted items.

I had already told my GF that I would help with the Christmas food shop, I want us to spend Christmas as a family and I would have to buy things if I was doing Christmas on my own anyway.

My GF actually has more money that I do.

Anatidaephobia

Whiteknight wrote: »

The children have asked her for certain gifts, and because of her lack of being able to save I know she will find it a struggle to have the money to buy them, I would like to consider myself part of the family and instead of spending money on token gifts I thought it would be better to help them get something that they really wanted and I would not be wasting my money on unwanted items.

Well, if you want to contribute in that way, you could tell your girlfriend "I have saved X amount to spend on (kids names); if you're going to buy them Y, what do you think of me contributing X towards this gift?" then it's her choice whether or not to accept your offer. But make sure X is the amount you would actually like to contribute, not the amount you think she might expect you to pay.

pickledonionspaceraider

Whiteknight wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies, to answer some of the questions that were asked,

The argument about money is down the the fact that I am a saver and she is a spender, she has been honest with me about the fact that she cannot save. I don't want to change her but would hope that she would see the benefits in thinking before she spends.

I have spent quite a bit of time with the children and have always known that they come as a package - I don't have a problem with that (it has been quite tense at time with the oldest feeling left out when I am around and the youngest still wanting to sleep in her bed)

The children have asked her for certain gifts, and because of her lack of being able to save I know she will find it a struggle to have the money to buy them, I would like to consider myself part of the family and instead of spending money on token gifts I thought it would be better to help them get something that they really wanted and I would not be wasting my money on unwanted items.

I had already told my GF that I would help with the Christmas food shop, I want us to spend Christmas as a family and I would have to buy things if I was doing Christmas on my own anyway.

My GF actually has more money that I do.

Hi there,

I hope you don't mind me commenting on this

There are a couple of things I would like to say

Long term
Your completely different attitudes to money are 100% going to become an issue in your relationship. It might not be today, next month whenever, but it will become an issue. Money is important and is one of the main reasons couples argue.

You do both need to be on the same page, as although at the minute it is honeymoon period, at some point in the future when you realise are making more financial effort and commitment than she is, you are going to become fed up. She says she cannot save but she chooses not to. It is a choice she is making. I am not sure why you feel you need to pick up the slack for someone else's bad choices

Short term / Christmas
Your GF has more money than you do but will not save. Her children wants high priced items, but it is clearly not a priority to her for them to have these items, or she would save.

Instead you are coming to the rescue and it appears that their Christmas presents are more of a priority to you, than to the mother.

This is a problem and I think either:

a) Have 'knight in shining armour syndrome' and fix other peoples problems forsaking yourself.

b) Being taken advantage of. How did she manage on previous Christmases?

Either way, if you do this at Christmas, you are making more financial effort with her children than she is, and you will be making a rod for your own back going forwards.

My opinion is yes, you are right to contribute towards Christmas food, but remember it is only one meal, and something like a £20 contribution towards the shop would be more than adequate

I see your point about getting something that the kids really want, but instead of taking this on as your problem you could offer a contribution towards these gifts - £20ish per child. You aren't going to be able to buy their love or respect, instead if you fork out a fortune, it will be expected. Every time. By them, and their mother.

Remember, they have dealt with Christmas before they met you, and it really is not up to you to make all their Christmas dreams come true at this stage in your relationship with their mother

All the above aside, you are clearly not 100% happy, or you would not be posting asking peoples advice on this situation.

You seem a nice guy, please look out for yourself in all this

Topcat1982

Whiteknight wrote: »

I have spent quite a bit of time with the children and have always known that they come as a package - I don't have a problem with that (it has been quite tense at time with the oldest feeling left out when I am around and the youngest still wanting to sleep in her bed)

.

A package? It's not really appropriate to be staying over at her house if she has young children.

Lunar_Eclipse

I would buy the children separate gifts to their mother. It's too soon for joint presents in my view.

You should definitely buy them something though. I think it would be incredibly rude to spend Christmas Day with anyone, especially children, and not buy them anything. Even if you think of it as a hostess gift.

In terms of how much you spend, that's difficult to say because it's relative to income and lifestyle. I would suggest a gift of about £30 each, but if the mother only spends £20 on them (a figure I've seen on here) then that would be too extravagant and somewhat unbalanced. Likewise, if you're buying your girlfriend several luxurious items totalling several hundred pounds and she's buying her kids a new computer, loads of clothes AND, AND, AND (as I've also read on here), then perhaps a little more than £30 would be more 'appropriate.' Ultimately up to you though. And you could ask your girlfriend what they'd like or she suggests. Also, I would contribute to other costs, mainly food and drink. Ask her how you could help: buy specific things or give her money (£200?) If she's very hard up, she'll really appreciate the offer.

Panto/theatre tickets for all of you?