1st Christmas Together

Whiteknight

This Christmas will be the first with my girlfriend, I've been invited to spend Christmas with her and her two children. I don't have a problem with that but I am finding it very difficult to know how much to budget for gifts.
The children both want what I consider high value items and it would make sense for me to contribute towards these but I am really unsure about what would be deemed an acceptable amount. (I know that my girlfriend will struggle to buy these presents herself)

I however don't want to be viewed as the bank of Whiteknight but also don't want to appear as Scrooge and be the person who put a dampener on Christmas, we have had arguments over money previously which is why I am reluctant to speak to her directly about it, I've always saved for the things I need or what but if she needs something she will get it.

I also wonder if it would be a good idea to suggest that we have a budget of what to spend on each other but I think I know the answer to that one!

Thanks for reading

Petra_70

I think there is a thread a week on here about people not agreeing about things financially! In your case, if you are only on your first Christmas together, then why are you even buying her kids anything? They're her kids, and no offence, but at the mo, you're just mom's new boyfriend. Surely they barely know you? Why is there any expectation for you to buy anything?

Maybe just buy them a selection box each, and a £10 voucher for HMV. That's all they'd get from me. Surely you must have your own family too? Siblings? Nieces and nephews? Parents? It's way too early to be buying over priced gifts for your girlfriend's kids.

Rebel_Cause

Petra summed it up. Don't go above and beyond especially how you haven't even got your feet under the table yet.

Did the kids ask you specifically or did you hear it indirectly via your girlfriend? Tell your GF to tell their dad what what they want and ask him to get it.

A chocolate tin will suffice, or a book.

belfastgirl23

It depends I guess. If you think you're in this relationship for the long haul and are already seeing yourself as step dad and want to contribute to big presents that's fine. But if you're still figuring things out then small presents are the way to go. I'd personally say a book or a small toy, depending on what you think each child would want, vouchers are too clear about the actual £ value if that's a bone of contention.

I do think it's appropriate for you to treat your girlfriend more than she treats you though - if she's tight for cash and buying for kids then it seems right to me that she buys you a token gift and you buy her something a bit more.

Though on a deeper level I'd worry that you aren't able to talk to your girlfriend about money. This does not bode well for the future!

Petra_70

Rebel_Cause wrote: »

Petra summed it up. Don't go above and beyond especially how you haven't even got your feet under the table yet.

Did the kids ask you specifically or did you hear it indirectly via your girlfriend? Tell your GF to tell their dad what what they want and ask him to get it.

A chocolate tin will suffice, or a book.

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

It depends I guess. If you think you're in this relationship for the long haul and are already seeing yourself as step dad and want to contribute to big presents that's fine. But if you're still figuring things out then small presents are the way to go. I'd personally say a book or a small toy, depending on what you think each child would want, vouchers are too clear about the actual £ value if that's a bone of contention.

Though on a deeper level I'd worry that you aren't able to talk to your girlfriend about money. This does not bode well for the future!

As above ^^^ Just small gifts. And I think if the kids or the girlfriend are expecting the OP to spend megabucks on Christmas gifts on their first Christmas together, I would see it as a huge warning sign.

SandC

I agree something small. Why is there an expectation of expensive gifts?

VfM4meplse

Whiteknight wrote: »

The children both want what I consider high value items and it would make sense for me to contribute towards these but I am really unsure about what would be deemed an acceptable amount. (I know that my girlfriend will struggle to buy these presents herself)

Why? You seem to be confusing yourself with Father Christmas :santa2:

"I want" doesn't get. Be as generous as you can afford to be, and no more. I think something simple that you can all enjoy together, such as an outing as a family / DVD or board game and takeaway over the festive period would be a fun thing to do and take some pressure away from your new GF.

Topcat1982

If you are going round there you don't arrive empty handed you take a small gift - something appropriate. It's not appropriate for you to contribute to the main gifts from the parents

Mummy may have a new boyfriend next year, you don't want to confuse them

maman

If you've been together less than a year, have already argued about money, don't feel you can talk to her about money and her children are asking for high value gifts I'd tread very warily indeed!! If the relationship develops then there'll be a time to set groundrules on finances but that isn't what you asked.


That's the picture I got from your post but was pleased to hear you don't want to be seen as a banker so at least you are aware of pitfalls.


I'd keep right out of any discussions about high price gifts for her children that's for her to sort out. Hard to advise what to get them as a token gift from you as don't know their ages/interests but should only be a token.

mrsHall2b

on mine and & OH's first christmas together we where already living together and jointly spent the same on both of our children (we both have kids from other realtionships) which was around £100 which (excluding this year, our 4th together) is the most weve spent on the kids.. this year we have 5 between us to buy for and have splashed out rather (well baby 5 is due christmas day)

Ozzuk

I'd go a little further and think about should be having full Christmas there. I made that mistake with an ex as I had a feeling the relationship wouldn't last - it wasn't fair on the kids as it does set this up as something serious. Maybe just calling in during the day would be better.

Unless of course she's the one, this is what you want and you're relaxed and happy about it, but it doesn't sound like it.