Pregnant, advised to talk to dad through solicitor

duchy

I think the best thing to do is to realise that it's less than a month and his knee jerk reaction may not be an indication of how he will behave long term.

The OP is pushing him to react NOW and tell her his intentions regarding contact NOW and she's pushing him into a corner. Forcing anyone to make decisions under pressure and before they've processed information properly is a recipe for disaster. For all we know his parents are also pressuring him to declare his intentions now too .

The OP wants to plan and know where she stands - and that is understandable - but pushing for that now may mean a NO which will be hard to step back from whereas once he thinks about it (and remembering he does have other children so once he starts thinking things through may remember how he feels as a father ) he may want *some* degree of involvement ,

I do wonder about his insistence that work doesn't find out. Having a child out of wedlock is hardly a career breaker (assuming he's not a Catholic priest ) and as he lives some distance from the OP if the relationship wasn't exclusive on his side and there's a girlfriend at work.
If that is the case it might explain his panic. Just a thought.

duchy

DUTR wrote: »

Are you saying he doesn't know how he feels right now?
It's also selfish to be expecting and expect others to pick up the majority of the financial tab. That too is a character flaw.

As he already has two children surely his contribution would be an extra 4% of his income (2 children 25% 3 children 29%) hardly the majority of the financial tab.

Even if he chose to live with the OP you appear to assume the OP wouldn't be working which as she currently works I believe is an awfully big assumption. Many women return to work after the birth of a child -and the majority of full time SAHMs are those who weren't in employment before they got pregnant anyway

DUTR

duchy wrote: »

As he already has two children surely his contribution would be an extra 4% of his income (2 children 25% 3 children 29%) hardly the majority of the financial tab.

Even if he chose to live with the OP you appear to assume the OP wouldn't be working which as she currently works I believe is an awfully big assumption. Many women return to work after the birth of a child -and the majority of full time SAHMs are those who weren't in employment before they got pregnant anyway

I was thinking tax credits. Not his contribution, I know my CSA contribution is less than what I would be forking out had I stuck around in a loveless set up. As long as the OP has thought it all through, then that is fine, if she has I'm not sure why the insitance of keeping contact when right now he doesn't want to whether a character flaw or otherwise.

duchy

Tax credits ?
Available to both single parents and couples on low income so I'm not sure what your point is.

Maybe the biggest character flaw is to consider supporting your children as best you can as "forking out" and only paying the minimum in support for them when you could choose to benefit them more financially ? CSA payments are a bit like NMW - it's the least the government expect to be provided but some other parents/companies feel their children/employees are worthy of more and consider themselves fortunate to be able to afford to pay more than the government mandated minimum though !

FBaby

It might also help the OP to know that it's not just her and that he is acting cowardly, not because he doesn't want the child but because he won't sit down and have a conversation to say so.

But OP did have a conversation, she said so herself, so why going on about him being a coward for not want to discuss things? The issue seems to be that OP wants more than one conversation.

It's the way FBaby has made things up like implying that I think any woman who has an abortion is a coward that I object to and find unhelpful not someone having a different viewpoint.

Not sure why you have taken anything I've said personally. I can assure you that nothing I wrote was aiming at you specifically.

Where are you getting that from? I never said nor implied that I woman having an abortion was a coward. I am pro-choice myself. In fact I even offered my reaction to the reverse scenario which you conveniently chose not to quote.

That's what I was saying, women who have abortions are not considered cowards for doing so, it is considered her choice, so why men who take the stance they don't want a child are seen as such rather than exercising their own choice?

The OP is looking for some support in what is a difficult time

As DUTR said, I don't see why saying that her ex is coward is providing support. Before the judgments on the ex started, I did provide OP with support and was thanked for it.

missbiggles1

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

I think its much, much harder for a woman to walk away from a pregnancy. Having an abortion is not an easy thing and even if it is for the best, the guilt eats away at you.

Once you start seeing and feeling the changes to you body, you start having a bond with the baby. This is way before its born and might even before you realise you're pregnant.

A man has none of this. My husband, who wanted our children, did not feel a particular bond until they were here. In fact, he was distinctly odd when I was pregnant with our third (he didn't tell anyone at work I was pregnant for example, not even personel and refused to engage in any conversation about the baby), he adored them as soon as they were born. Even our third.

So I don't think women have better rights over the unborn baby than the man as its much harder to get away from it. You can't just travel 3 hours away and move back in with your parents like the OP's partner here. You can't do it as the baby comes with you. I can't describe the overwhelming trapped feeling.

If you don't want a baby, then use contraception. Both the man and the woman should use it. That way both are to blame if there's an accident (and an accident is much less likely).

That may be true for some women but it certainly isn't true for everybody. Putting it like that makes it more likely that women will feel that this is the way they should react.

FBaby

Once you start seeing and feeling the changes to you body, you start having a bond with the baby. This is way before its born and might even before you realise you're pregnant.

Indeed, I agree, but surely that is even more of a reason why it doesn't a man a coward to run away. They haven't had these feelings to hold them back.

If you don't want a baby, then use contraception. Both the man and the woman should use it. That way both are to blame if there's an accident (and an accident is much less likely).

Except that all the women I know who really really didn't want to get pregnant managed not to on the pill or implant without needing their partner to also use condoms. I do have one friend who really didn't want to a child but somehow got pregnant after a week or dreadful sickness on holiday, she did a test as soon as she didn't get her period, and was straight at the clinic to get an abortion despite being against it.
What I don't understand is couples who just never discussed this. Surely discussing contraception as with that conversation, what they would do if a pregnancy happen should be natural for any mature person.

DUTR

duchy wrote: »

Tax credits ?
Available to both single parents and couples on low income so I'm not sure what your point is.

Maybe the biggest character flaw is to consider supporting your children as best you can as "forking out" and only paying the minimum in support for them when you could choose to benefit them more financially ? CSA payments are a bit like NMW - it's the least the government expect to be provided but some other parents/companies feel their children/employees are worthy of more and consider themselves fortunate to be able to afford to pay more than the government mandated minimum though !

My point is, why is there an isitance on him having to discuss the situation, he doesn't want to and doesn't have to, bullying is perhaps too strong a word.

Yes I could choose to contribute more but how would that enhance my life ? Perhaps in my case if the Mother went to work fulltime etc, I may feel differently towards it, but pro rata, with all the handouts, then she is a lot better of than many that work and above NMW by a long way.
I didn't want children and not complaining about paying my CSA by the way, just standing my ground perhaps like the OP's ex is.

duchy

missbiggles1 wrote: »

That may be true for some women but it certainly isn't true for everybody. Putting it like that makes it more likely that women will feel that this is the way they should react.

There's a fair bit of research that indicates that some women who willing had an abortion and at the time had not guilt or doubts later do suffer guilt, regret and need some kind of support . It isn't an exact science - every woman is different but few women treat an abortion lightly or ever forget. It's easy to glibly say abortion is an option - for many women emotionally it simply isn't as it would be damaging long term. (I'm pro choice but anti abortion without thought of consequence)

FBaby

I think the best thing to do is to realise that it's less than a month and his knee jerk reaction may not be an indication of how he will behave long term

I think that's the most sensible advice. Indeed, it is not uncommon at all that men panic at first as something they didn't expect and unlike pregnant women, they don't have the hormones and the rest to make them feel pregnant, to then totally fall in love with their child and become wonderful fathers. Maybe that will be the case for him but at the moment, the message is clear that he needs to be left alone and that's something OP needs to respect.

I assume there is still some time until birth, so no point in planning or making any assumptions as to what he will do when the baby is born.