Pregnant, advised to talk to dad through solicitor

Pixie5740

DUTR wrote: »

So turning the tables (and we have seen threads here in the past) if a couple had finished and She didn't want to speak or discuss anything does that make her a coward?
I don't see any difference, he does not want to and does not have to engage in any further conversation beyond what they have already had. From what I have read in the thread, he has already made his choice for now, so what else is there to discuss?

Pixie5740 wrote: »

If the shoe was on the other foot and the OP announced she was pregnant and then disappeared, cutting all contact and called the police after a couple of texts I would also find that cowardly. The least the ex would deserve is a conversation.

:wall: :wall: :wall:

FBaby

It's easy to glibly say abortion is an option - for many women emotionally it simply isn't as it would be damaging long term

Are you saying that some women decide not to have an abortion and keep a baby they don't want so not to feel guilty and regrets later on? If that is the case, I am not sure that is a gift to the children. Many children are abused in this country from mothers who have no love for their child. It's heartbreaking. If they really go on with the pregnancy out of guilt, then surely the best alternative is to give it up for adoption to a mother and father who would both be delighted to become parents.

duchy

Most parents want the best possible for their children -one way of providing that is to provide more money to eat better, dress better, have hobbies , holidays, live in a nicer area with better schools etc. My child's happiness really does enhance my life to me that's part of parenthood.

I think it's very sad you didn't want your children but it does explain why you see things so differently.

DUTR wrote: »

Yes I could choose to contribute more but how would that enhance my life ? Perhaps in my case if the Mother went to work fulltime etc, I may feel differently towards it, but pro rata, with all the handouts, then she is a lot better of than many that work and above NMW by a long way.
I didn't want children and not complaining about paying my CSA by the way, just standing my ground perhaps like the OP's ex is.

DUTR

duchy wrote: »

Most parents want the best possible for their children -one way of providing that is to provide more money to eat better, dress better, have hobbies , holidays, live in a nicer area with better schools etc. My child's happiness really does enhance my life to me that's part of parenthood.

I think it's very sad you didn't want your children but it does explain why you see things so differently.

It maybe sad, but I don't judge people on their parenting especially the financial part of it.

duchy

FBaby wrote: »

Are you saying that some women decide not to have an abortion and keep a baby they don't want so not to feel guilty and regrets later on? If that is the case, I am not sure that is a gift to the children. Many children are abused in this country from mothers who have no love for their child. It's heartbreaking. If they really go on with the pregnancy out of guilt, then surely the best alternative is to give it up for adoption to a mother and father who would both be delighted to become parents.

No I don't think guilt comes into it at the time . I do believe giving up a child whether through abortion or adoption often causes issues later though.

As for adoption - I do believe it should be promoted more as an option but we already have too many children permanently in the care system and adoptive parents ignoring them and adopting abroad because adoption has become more open and there is some degree of contact with the birth family in the UK and adoptive parents prefer not to have any birth family involvement,. Far easier to do if the mother is a poor woman living thousands of miles away with little prospect of ever coming to Britain.

Adoption can be complicated - My partner who is adopted went to school with his birth mother's younger sister -had the adoption not been closed and they knew it could have got very complicated (with hindsight I wonder how it was never picked up as my partner is the spitting image of his uncle his birth mother's brother)

FBaby

I think it's very sad you didn't want your children but it does explain why you see things so differently.

]
And indeed, I think that clouds people judgments. I wanted both my children very much, as did their dad. Yet it doesn't make him responsible, and despite working, he doesn't pay a penny towards them.

If I fell pregnant today, my world would collapse. I really really don't want to be a mother again. Not because I don't like the idea of being a mum, and yes, I would have loved a child with my husband, but because I am too old, to knackered and all the things that use to excite me relating to raising young kids horrify me now.

So yes, I would indeed feel very differently today if I fell pregnant, and even though I have always said that I would never ever have an abortion until recently, today, I am not as sure that I wouldn't actually consider it.

It is very different to not plan a child but actually like the idea of one to really not wanting to go through 18 years of raising a child.

missbiggles1

duchy wrote: »

There's a fair bit of research that indicates that some women who willing had an abortion and at the time had not guilt or doubts later do suffer guilt, regret and need some kind of support . It isn't an exact science - every woman is different but few women treat an abortion lightly or ever forget. It's easy to glibly say abortion is an option - for many women emotionally it simply isn't as it would be damaging long term. (I'm pro choice but anti abortion without thought of consequence)

Which is why I said "That may be true for some women but it certainly isn't true for everybody." I simply objected to the sweeping statement that (all) women will feel guilt as it seems to me to be designed to make women feel that way.

Much of the information about PAS and women's guilt feelings is based on propaganda put out by the anti abortion movement.


"Many renowned research authorities have recognized that while women have a variety of emotional responses after having an abortion based on their unique situation, and may experience mood changes linked to fluctuating hormone levels during pregnancy, there is no such thing as a "Post-Abortion Syndrome" where psychological problems are caused by having an abortion. The National Abortion Federation, citing the American Psychological Association and other psychological research, shares "that the studies with the most scientifically rigorous research designs consistently found no trace of "post-abortion syndrome." In fact, research has found that "[w]hile some women may experience sensations of regret, sadness or guilt after an abortion, the overwhelming responses are relief and happiness." As the APA stated in a summary of its research on the topic: "The best scientific evidence published indicates that among adult women who have an unplanned pregnancy, the relative risk of mental health problems is no greater if they have a single elective first-trimester abortion or deliver that pregnancy.""

http://www.naralva.org/what-is-choice/cpc/common-lies.shtml

FBaby

Adoption is mainly an issue because there are not enough women willing to go through pregnancy to then give their baby away. You could say that makes them selfish (I wouldn't, but then I don't think men who run away when they made it clear they didn't want a child in the first place are selfish either).

I am sure even these horrible men who walk away from their child feel a degree of guilt too deep inside, but they make a choice and live with it.

Lily-Rose_3

Going against the masses here...

Let's stop calling the OP's boyfriend/ex boyfriend a 'nutter;' we don't know the whole story.

I think him swanning off to his parents and communicating only through his parents is rather childish and a bit weird - especially for a 44 y.o. man; but maybe he is finding it hard to talk to the OP, because he is so shocked at her announcing she is pregnant so soon into their relationship, when they had categorically not planned it. And his parents probably aren't too chuffed either, at their son being trapped into fatherhood. Yeah I know it takes two to Tango and all that jazz, but she was on the pill, and he had sex with her in good faith 'assuming' she would not get pregnant.

Reading between the lines (and I may be wrong here,) despite the OP saying she 'accidently' fell pregnant; I am struggling to believe it. A woman rarely falls pregnant 'accidently.'

I mean, if she got pregnant accidently, then why is she not terminating the pregnancy? If it's was a mistake or an accident (getting pregnant,) then why is she keeping it?

Funnily enough, every last woman I have ever known who has 'accidently' fallen pregnant, has ended up keeping the baby. Funny that, it's almost like it was planned all along...

In many cases, it takes at least 4 to 6 weeks after coming off the pill (usually after you have had 1 or 2 periods) before you can get pregnant, so I reckon the vast majority of women who claim they have fallen pregnant on the pill, have done it deliberately.

And why is the OP sending scan pictures to him? Sorry, but that's just wrong IMO. The man doesn't want to know. To be frank; the fact that he is having fatherhood forced on him, and has no choice in the matter; the way he is behaving is almost understandable.

The OP may well have to have this baby - and raise this baby - alone. I just feel a bit sorry for the child, and the man who has to now fork out for 18 years, for a baby he didn't plan - or want. I certainly don't feel sorry for the OP.

duchy

Of the women I know who have had abortions or who had a child adopted all carry "baggage" from it . Some if they had the time again would make a different decision - some say it was the right thing to do at the time but they still have regrets/guilt even though they wouldn't change the decision.

To say accidents *never* happen is just silly though . Lily I never thought you led such a sheltered life !!