Pregnant, advised to talk to dad through solicitor

Little_Miss_Naughty

General advise needed, I will try and keep it brief.

4 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, it came as a shock as I was on the pill (although my doctors had been varying the dose etc). I told my partner who I have known for 15 years but only dating for a year about the pregnant and he was as shocked as I was.

We were due to go away a fortnight ago but he said he wanted to see his parents and so I went on our planned and booked weekend away feeling deflated on my own. Before I went I drove to his house and gave him an early scan picture (as he didn't want to attend scan with me) and he said he was late for his parents and we could talk in the morning.

To cut a long story short he didn't call or return my text messages. His dad phoned me that day saying anything I had to say to his son (who's 44 years old) can be said through him. I tried contacting him direct on the Sunday of that weekend and he said he didn't want to talk to me, we argued as I said it needed to be discussed together etc.

Anyhow two weeks on and I have received 3 text messages from his dad, 2 voice mails and numerous missed calls. I only called his dad back once (a week ago) and he said he would try and get his son to call but he didn't want anything to do with the baby.

I left it at that and trusted his dad that he would talk some sense into him son. On Tuesday this week I sent his dad a text asking if his son was going to call to which I had no response.

Yesterday I had a visit from the police saying I was harassing him. My police force had little information and suggested I contact the PC in the county my partner lives in (3 hours drive away). I called her she was very nice and said that she was aware I hadn't spoken to my partner in 2 weeks and he had confirmed that but he was worried what I might do 'verbally' at his place of work (his job means the world to him). She said she was unaware his parent were continuously trying to contact me and would advise my partner to get them to stop.

She told me that because I had been warned about having no contact with him (even though I hadn't) that any future contact should be through a solicitor.

My questions are; does any one know how much solicitors letters are going to cost me and what should I be asking them to write about?

pinkshoes

The father of your unborn child sounds like a nutter.

Do not contact him or his family again, and do this on your own. You really do not want people like that in your life.

Fosterdog

If it were me I wouldn't bother if he can't be bothered. I know it will be difficult especially as you have known him for so long.

Just to reach out an olive branch I would contact his parents again and ask if they want anything to do with their grandchild, if they do then great if they don't the next any of them would hear anything is a quick message when the baby is born with a final chance to change their minds and then a claim with CSA. They can then deal with him to make sure he at least provides financially for his child.

I can't quite believe a 44 year old man has run home to mam and dad for them to sort it out for him, sounds like you are well shot of him.

On a happier note, congratulations

jenhug

Yes, stay well away. He has made it clear he has no interest in you or the baby.

whitewing

I had an accidental pregnancy (albeit at a younger age) and the father couldn't handle the fact that it was happening. Much as you may wish it could be different, you may need to face up to handling the pregnancy and parenthood etc on your own from a practical perspective.

I wouldn't do anything just yet about contacting him through a solicitor. It is a huge life-changing event for you both, give him some time. His parents too may be absorbing his stress and feeling quite powerless - this can make people say silly things so start developing your tolerance levels!!

You should perhaps consider having some counselling sessions to help you pick through your feelings about the pregnancy and the father's reactions. It can be difficult with family and friends having not-very-helpful opinions on things.

Congratulations too.

Little_Miss_Naughty

Thank you all - feel so emotional wondering why he is behaving like this?

I have to children (ages 6 and 4) from a previous marriage. He has two from his 1st marraige (age 14 & 16) and guess I feel that this child has a right to know 'all' the siblings. Is that wrong?

fairy_lights

Sorry but he sounds like a cowardly, selfish, childish scumbag.
He's cut you out because you're pregnant and has involved the police and accused you of harrasing him because he's scared you 'might' contact his work place? What a piece of sh1te.

Birdie85

Firstly, congratulations!

Secondly, I'd stop calling this nutter your 'partner'; he's an ex now, and a really immature, twatty one at that. I had to check twice when you said he was 44, this is the behaviour of a teenager, not a grown man!

Once the baby is born, get your claim in from the CSA and leave it at that. He should at least pay some money to help his child; it's so unfair that babies take 2 people to make yet the father is free to run away with no repercussions whilst the mother is left on her own with an innocent child. :mad:

GlasweJen

I wouldn't bother with the solicitor until the baby arrives and even then it would be "baby was born at x o'clock, weighs y. You're babies father and entitled to custody, due to your erratic behaviour I wish this to be at a contact centre, I'm happy to negotiate regular days and times if you wish. Child maintenance calculator says you should pay Z per month, can we reach an amicable agreement or do I need to involve the maintenance service?"

Gavin83

I'm actually surprised people are wondering why he is acting like this. He clearly thinks you've totally set him up even if that isn't true. Refusing to speak to you is a childish reaction but he's probably extremely angry with you at the moment even if it isn't justified. He may come round, he may not but for now you need to assume you'll be doing this on your own. Also remember that regardless of what people think surrounding the morals he has a right to have no involvement in the child's life, although obviously the legal financial obligation.

If you approach a solicitor what would you actually hope to achieve? What information do you need from the father?

Good luck with the whole situation.

Little_Miss_Naughty

Thank you all for responding.
What do I hope to achieve? I don't know is the answer which is why I asked originally from this forum what I should be asking.

He told me he knows this was an accident as I was having trouble with my original pill so I don't think he thinks I 'set him up'

I asked him when I showed him the scan picture to talk and decide together what to do. He hasn't so I made the choice myself for moral reasons not to abort.

I guess it's the not knowing that is hurting me so much, will he change his mind in 6 months, 6 years etc?

I don't know if I should contact a solicitor to put questions like access when the baby is born to him so I know and can plan.

Thank you all so much for listening.