Pregnant, advised to talk to dad through solicitor

duchy

You can't make a claim til baby is born -so months away at the moment.
Focus on yourself and your other children -they will be this baby's main family.

Once the shock has worn off your ex may be in a better place than he is now currently he's in flight mode. Leave him and his parents to get their heads around the idea of another child. Processing time might be needed. Assume they will have no emotional imput and anything that comes along later is a bonus.

In time you'll realize you had a lucky escape with this man even if you can't see it right now

Guest101

Little_Miss_Naughty wrote: »

Thank you everyone, you have been amazingly supportive and for the first time in weekA I'm not actually in tears!

The doctor always said I was 'covered' even though I wasn't getting on with the original pill.

I've never had the need to contact the CSA before and I'm sure there is an online advise but what type of information will they need to know? I don't know anything about what he earns etc? - As much info as you can. Name and address are most important. They then send him a letter asking him whether he agrees or not that he is the father. as well as asking about his work etc.

The police told me that if I make contact with him I can be charged with harassment unless I go through a solicitor - even to announce the birth. So I am not sure how we will ever come to an amicable agreement for maintenance when I can talk to him unless he makes contact with me. - The police do talk a lot of rubbish quite a lot of the time. Anyone can at any time be charged with any crime. What the police did is (frankly lazy) give you some words of advice. It's not a recorded warning, you haven't been cautioned or anything of the sort.
It's like this:
Before they warned you: you could've said "oh I had no idea he felt like this, wont do it again."
Now you can't, as the police have told you. Though you spoke to someone over the phone. No ID was confirmed, it could've been anyone (on your end or their end) - hence lazy.


The police also often say, use a solicitor. This is safe, as a solicitor will protect you from saying or doing something foolish. But the reality is you can do as you wish.


You are under no bail conditions, and no court orders. So If you want to write to his parents to say Baby born etc. you can.


Sorry for all the questions this is all very new to me.

No worries. good luck

Loz01

OP I wouldn't try and contact him or his parents, you just get on with your life and concentrate on your kids. If by the time you've had the baby he still wants nothing to do with you then file for maintenance via CSA and hold your head high!

You can't force people to do the right thing, you can only do the best you can for your kids and the new baby.

ps. He sounds like a right tool!!

mum2one

From someone who has been down the solicitor route, it isn't a cop out its the sensible route

send a pm xx

C_Mababejive

He sounds like a complete loser. Imagine a man of 44 sloping off to mummy and daddy and then sheltering behind mummys skirts? But he was man enough when it came to mutual enjoyment of frightfulness though wasnt he ??

He doesnt sound like he is worth bothering with. Just make your own decisions and contact the CSA.

FBaby

I'm quiet surprised at how judgmental posters are of this man's actions. The reality is that he didn't want this child. We don't know why, but surely that is his right. If OP had decided she did not want that baby, she could have taken the decision to abort or give the child to adoption and forget it ever happened. Why are men judged for wanting to move on and forget about it too?

We don't know all the circumstances in this case, but why do we defend so strongly women's right to abortion if they don't want an accidental baby (and to be clear, I have no issue with this), but consider men to be losers when they take a similar decision?

tomtontom

FBaby wrote: »

I'm quiet surprised at how judgmental posters are of this man's actions. The reality is that he didn't want this child. We don't know why, but surely that is his right. If OP had decided she did not want that baby, she could have taken the decision to abort or give the child to adoption and forget it ever happened. Why are men judged for wanting to move on and forget about it too?

We don't know all the circumstances in this case, but why do we defend so strongly women's right to abortion because if don't want an accidental baby (and to be clear, I have no issue with this), but consider men to be losers when they take a similar decision?

Judgemental posts about men on this board - should not come as a surprise!

Hermia

FBaby wrote: »

I'm quiet surprised at how judgmental posters are of this man's actions. The reality is that he didn't want this child. We don't know why, but surely that is his right. If OP had decided she did not want that baby, she could have taken the decision to abort or give the child to adoption and forget it ever happened. Why are men judged for wanting to move on and forget about it too?

We don't know all the circumstances in this case, but why do we defend so strongly women's right to abortion if they don't want an accidental baby (and to be clear, I have no issue with this), but consider men to be losers when they take a similar decision?

I am not sure it is him not wanting a child people are judging. I think it is more that he hasn't even got the balls to meet up with her and discuss how he feels and what decisions need to be made.

And guys, if you really don't want to be a dad use a condom or get the snip. The pill can fail and the woman can make a genuine mistake using it. Yes, condoms can fail too, but at least you would be in control. I just can't imagine having over responsibility over contraception to someone else if I was so against having a kid.

Starrystarrynight1

It's very immature of a grown man to behave this way towards you and your unborn child. As for hiding behind his own parents, well..I'm speechless! Maybe he envisioned his middle age very differently..who knows, but that's no excuse to behave so badly.

Maybe you should forget about him and his parents for now; just enjoy your pregnancy, relax as much as you can, and prepare for your little one's arrival.

He may or may not want to be part of the baby's life, but he has a legal obligation to pay support once the baby is born, so please file your claim for support. As my mam would've said, you didn't make this baby on your own!

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

I'm quiet surprised at how judgmental posters are of this man's actions. The reality is that he didn't want this child. We don't know why, but surely that is his right. If OP had decided she did not want that baby, she could have taken the decision to abort or give the child to adoption and forget it ever happened. Why are men judged for wanting to move on and forget about it too?

We don't know all the circumstances in this case, but why do we defend so strongly women's right to abortion if they don't want an accidental baby (and to be clear, I have no issue with this), but consider men to be losers when they take a similar decision?

Because biology isn't equal on this. Men don't get pregnant so they if they know they absolutely don't want a baby they have to take equal responsibility for contraception and use condoms as well as whatever method their partner is using.

If a pregnancy occurs and the woman decides to go ahead with it, they have the option to never see the child if they don't wish to, but society recognises that the child has a right to be financially supported by both its parents and to at least know their identity. That's the bare minimum and that's not to do with the parents that's all for the child.

Men can't make a 'similar decision' to abortion. Its just not possible, the option isn't there and won't be until men can get pregnant!

(I do agree with the PP who said that the condemnation is more about how he's handling it.)