Pregnant, advised to talk to dad through solicitor

VfM4meplse

DUTR wrote: »

Only on the testimony of the OP, there are always two sides to a story.
If the lady didn't want to relish the stigma and disadvantages that come with being a single Mum, then she too may have been able to do more to prevent the forthcoming situation.
Whilst sex can be pleasurable to either party, it can also be expensive in time, lifestyle and money.

She is not shirkng her responsibility.

Whilst I fully agree there are two sides to the story nothing I read suggests that the OP "relishes the stigma and disadvantages that come with being a single Mum". Interesting interpretation - are you projecting some bitterness, perchance?

FBaby

There is no point in debating whether OP set him up or not, only she knows for sure. The reality is that it does happen regularly and that in committed relationship.

Does this mean that every men in this world should not trust their partner and protect themselves every single time they have intercourse? After 1 year together, 10 years?

And again, if that should indeed be an acceptable social stance, should we make abortion illegal again. After all, you shouldn't have the fun if you can't face the consequences of becoming a mum? Ridiculous!

VfM4meplse

FBaby wrote: »

There is no point in debating whether OP set him up or not, only she knows for sure. The reality is that it does happen regularly and that in committed relationship.

To me, commitment is absolute and not condtional.

benjus

DUTR wrote: »

Only on the testimony of the OP, there are always two sides to a story.

That's why I said "described here". I'm aware that the actual real-life situation may be somewhat different.

FBaby

Also, while he has used the parents as an intermediary, you do have to wonder why they didn't refuse to do his bidding and ask him to deal with his domestic problems directly rather than involve them.

Imagine a new poster writing something like that 'My partner announced that she was pregnant 2 weeks ago. This came as a total shock. We have four young children between the two of us and things have been tough. After we moved in together a month (6 months after we started dating) she asked me how I felt about having a child together. I told her that I definitely didn't want more children, both because we are not in a financial position to support another child, but also because I am shattered and couldn't cope with going through raising another child. She seemed a bit disappointed but agreed. We discussed contraception and she agreed to go on the pill. I asked what would happened if she had an accident, and she said that she would go for an abortion, so I felt reassured things were ok. So when she said she was pregnant and wouldn't have an abortion, I became very angry. I love her deeply, but this is a betrayal too much. I don't want to be a dad and I can't be with someone I can't trust. We had a talk and told her how I felt and I never wanted to see her again. I moved out immediately. Unfortunately, she hasn't stopped texting me and calling me. I am totally messed up. I missed her badly and wish we could go back to what we have but I can't. I need to move on, but her texts are constant reminders of the situation. I have asked her not to do it any longer and that if she had anything urgent to tell me about, to contact my dad. Unfortunately, she has taken this as transferring the constant texting and calling to him. He has told her to stop as it is causing him problem at work, but she is still doing so. My dad has threatened me to kick me out if I didn't do something about it, so I had no choice but to involved the police...'

I am in no way saying that the above is what has happened, but I am saying that it COULD be what happened. Why being so quick to jump to conclusion about the action of a person we know nothing about. Even OP has said very little about him. She came to ask about what to do as a result of not being allowed to contact him any longer, no whether we think he is a coward and loser!

gettingtheresometime

The way I look at this situation is that the OP is trying to pressurise the father into playing happy families.

Lets look at it from his side for one minute.

Although they've known each other for a long time they've only been dating for a year. Presumably pregnancy was never on the table for either of them but since it now is OP finds herself OK with it but the father is finding it a hell of a shock.....perhaps this has reinforced in his mind that whilst OP and him were OK as a dating couple as a family unit that wasn't on the tables and would never have worked out.

So the OP (in his eyes) is now trying to guilt trip him into playing happy families (copy of the scan when he couldn't be asked to go, writing to tell him about a blog she writng so the world can see how he's not doing his 'duty) so no wonder he's digging his heels in.....in his eyes he's probably thinking he's pulling down the hatches.

Obviously he has to support the child when born but I can't see why the OP is trying to force him into do something which he either isn't mental ready to (and I do know someone who's FWB is now pregnant and he's still going around dazed 2 months later) or isn't prepared to do.

FBaby

To me, commitment is absolute and not condtional.

Even if he lies to you, cheat on you, cause you harm, you would still stay with him because it is absolute?

Commitment to each other doesn't mean that you stay together even when the trust has gone, or you radically disagree about a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life in a way that you deeply don't want.

DUTR

VfM4meplse wrote: »

She is not shirkng her responsibility.

Whilst I fully agree there are two sides to the story nothing I read suggests that the OP "relishes the stigma and disadvantages that come with being a single Mum". Interesting interpretation - are you projecting some bitterness, perchance?

I'd say bitterness is a little strong, as a bloke and knowing other blokes and chatting, a large minority if having their time again would not have become fathers or not with the current mothers(and vice versa) , as many have said the deed is done.
There is no saying the OP's ex has shirked his responsibilities as the law says contribute financially and at a set minimum amount.

As for the other poster saying he had run off to the parents, I'm assuming he lived with the mother to be and that is the only place available in the short term, as it is not his home but his parents I could also understand that he may not want people contacting him there as it's not his home.
I'm not defending the guy I can just see it from another viewpoint, also we don't know how the relationship is/was beyond family life.

VfM4meplse

FBaby wrote: »

Even if he lies to you, cheat on you, cause you harm, you would still stay with him because it is absolute?

Committment in a functiional relationship is two-way, the above doesn't sound like committment to me.

FBaby

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Committment in a functiional relationship is two-way, the above doesn't sound like committment to me.

Then we agree, but how do we know there was that level of commitment in the above relationship?

I am in no way saying that the guy is a poor victim and therefore acting totally reasonably under the situation. Indeed, he MIGHT be a complete loser. My gripe is that we just don't know so no point in making assumptions and passing judgment on them.