Stay for the kids?

Keeping_Motivated

duchy wrote: »

Well if they weren't your parents - how would you feel about their behaviour ? Would you want someone shouty and someone as "quirky" as your Mum can be (the fact she can't see that grisly topics aren't suitable around young children does indicate her filter is a bit off -plus you grew up with her bi-polar but it's quite scary to someone who didn't - especially with the protective mother instinct in play) to be alone with your children ?

I understand what you are saying re his mum having Bi-Polar and exposing the children to the symptoms of this but surely there are better ways of managing it than a strict no they cannot see them even with the children s father around. The wife does sound very controlling. It may come form a place of love however protection of our children can turn into control if we are not careful and there is a huge difference.

Lunar_Eclipse

quarky wrote: »

"You are acting as if your children can't see their grandparents unless both you and your wife are there - which is nonsense"


Unfortunately not. My wife doesn't want that either. If that was possible, the whole thing would be much less of an issue. Perhaps that is where a compromise can be found, but it would have to be on my wife's part.

It's a shame your wife doesn't trust you to manage your children's well being in your parents presence. That really doesn't bode well.

Two things spring to mind:
1) How much does your wife want to stop this contact? Is it a marriage breaker if you ignore her wishes? Ultimately, if you were separated but had contact, your wife would (presumably) have limited power to stop the children seeing your parents, which you should point out to her.

2) Can you help her see things differently by compromising elsewhere? For example, if she denies the children this contact and you go along with her wish, it's only fair something that's important to you as a parent is also respected that she might not choose (eg become vegetarian to respect your parenting wishes, go to a Church school because that's important to you, don't see her parents maybe etc.)

quarky

Well a lot has happened since I last updated this point. One thing that really struck me was Duchy's comment about "forsaking all others." So I supported my wife's stance over the kids, and despite a few issues over the holidays, things were pretty good (we didn't see my parents but we had a good time as a family). We even had a reconciliation meeting with them the other week where it looked like they accepted our point about them not seeing the kids by themselves, and us all doing things together.


Now though, it feels like it is falling apart again.


I just want everyone to draw a line under it, say sorry's (not for specific things, but just a generally sorry to heal things) forgive, and move on. My wife things that she said sorry the other week though, so doesn't want to say sorry again. And she wants my Mum to promise not to talk about issues between the three of us to her siblings (my uncles and aunties). She is even angry that I want to go and see my parents. It just seems like she wants things to carry on, unless she can drive them out of our lives completely. I mentioned the "forsaking all others" thing about, but there has to be a limit doesn't there, and boundaries over reasonable and rational behaviour?


So right now, I just feel betrayed. I thought we were so close to getting to a decent place with regards to ourselves, and our parents, but I don't understand why people can't get be nice to each other (they don't have to like each other). Is forgiveness and a willingness to move on such a huge thing to ask? I feel like I am being stonewalled at home and can't see how things are going to get better without resolving this issue (and forcing my extended family out of our lives isn't really going to be a solution), but hate the thought of what us splitting would do to the kids.


Obviously no one here knows the full story, but I just felt I had to post something

seven-day-weekend

So sorry that you are in this situation.

I agree with you about forgiveness. It doesn't mean pretending nothing is wrong (if nothing was wrong there would be nothing to forgive!), but it does mean letting go of bitterness, anger and resentment towards the other person and getting on with your life. They don't have to be your bosom pal, but when it is your husband's parents or your son's wife, I agree that these people, should, ideally, treat each other with politeness even if they can't agree with them.

I have no answers for you, but hope you get something sorted soon xx.

duchy

Your family sound a bit like mine

Often actions speak louder than word and if everyone is open to changing and things ARE starting to change then does anyone actually have to make a formal apology or can you just continue to work on the better situation ?

If I was your wife and felt you'd not stood by me as a husband should but was trying to please me and your parents and ultimately pleasing no-one (which I'm guessing is why things were bad between the two of you at least in part) I'd have been delighted when things improved ........and now dismayed that things are better but you want ME to apologize and rake up all the bad stuff again (and you are also implying it was all your wife's fault and ignoring your less than supportive actions and your Mum's poor attitude ). I;d be utterly fed up with you that things had got so much better and now you are trying to placate everyone again -and probably rake up old hurts that were just starting to heal.

Your wife and your Mum are unlikely to ever be best buddies and if you keep trying to force that you are doomed to fail.
Either you think this is all your wife's fault and you blame her and you leave the family and the kids suffer too or you work out you were asking for too much from everyone -and definitely too soon .

Your Mum does sound like a challenging personality - but she is your Mum so you are used to her ways........ your wife however probably sees it as she is your wife and you have a duty to her to protect her and the children from the worst your Mum can do.

Have you asked your Mum to apologize too or just your wife BTW ?


Here's a suggestion - Stop expecting perfection

You had a breakthrough last week with your parents accepting when and how they can see the kids
Work with that
I'd be pretty annoyed if my brothers or sisters in law were commenting about all this too-It's none of their business and you as her son need to tell your Mum that YOU (not your wife) aren't happy with that as it isn't helping the situation with them and the children.

You have started to set limits on what is and isn't acceptable -and it made for a happier home . Keep doing that - It's a situation that has been allowed to fester and grow for years - it isn't going to be a quick fix -it will take time and patience - not three months and a forced apology on one side only.

I really think you and your wife might benefit from some marriage counselling to get all the issues on the table and formulate how as a couple rather than as two individuals you can work on the progress made and not slip back to how things were in September.

My Dad's family were a bit like yours...... My Dad put his foot down - My Mum saw them if she wanted to but refused to visit on a regular basis and my Dad took us to visit. The first sign of them critisizing my Mum - he left and took us home . After this happened twice - they stopped. Over the years they all came to adore my Mum because My Dad loved her, she was a great Mum and when she did she them she refused to play their mind games ......but they also knew they had to be respectful of her because my Dad would tolerate no less towards his wife.
Your family aren't respectful towards your wife it seems and that is the root of the problem - If they respected her they wouldn't try to play you off against each other- which seems to be happening reading between the lines. If you divorced your wife and remarried do you think they'd treat a new wife any better? If no then maybe divorce isn't the solution and continuing to set boundries for your parents is !

paddy's_mum

Could you wife's allegation (in the opening post) that you are "lazy" refer not to housework/childcare but to being far too willing to let highly important issues slide?

I wonder how revealing it is that things have, you state, got very much worse in the last two years, as a direct result of the problems between you both and your parents.

I have been in your wife's position almost exactly with a bi-polar mother in law. I did nothing wrong but in the end, I became very afraid of the harm and damage that her twisted thinking, and the lies, accusations and distortions that resulted from it could do, that I too kept my children away from her as much as it was within my power to do so.

I was fortunate in that my then husband was well aware of what she was doing and though he understood and pitied her, he was as desperate as I was to avoid any damage to our children - and, indeed, to our own relationship.

I suspect that your wife is labouring under a massive burden of fear and all you are achieving by not understanding is adding to the canker of her resentment.

It's time (it seems to me) that your parents and the other relatives were told to mind their own "£$%^&* business!

Good luck.

duchy

Sorry one more thought then I'll shut up

Whose idea was the apology -yours or your family's ?

If yours why do you feel it is needed if fault is on both sides

If your Mum's - Is she apologizing too

If another family member- what's it to do with them

Making someone say sorry just for the sake of it rather than because there is any genuine reason seems like getting children in the playground to say sorry.

In your wife's shoes I'd feel I'd made it clear by having the meeting that I was focused on moving forward and that is what counts.


Forget "getting everyone to say sorry" you are picking at a scab that is just starting to heal !

quarky

Thanks for the great posts as always. They are all useful, but Duchy in particular, it honestly seems like you know more about this than almost anyone besides me and my wife, and although you all don't always say what I want to here, hearing what I am not thinking is much more useful.


Thanks.

duchy

quarky wrote: »

Thanks for the great posts as always. They are all useful, but Duchy in particular, it honestly seems like you know more about this than almost anyone besides me and my wife, and although you all don't always say what I want to here, hearing what I am not thinking is much more useful.


Thanks.

Thank you quarky
I appreciate you taking my robust approach as it is meant and not taking offence when I push you to see the alternative viewpoint .

I'm seeing your situation from a different angle as I was one of the kids in this kind of situation - but with the advantage that I grew up and can see all sides as an adult , parent, wife myself now . I certainly didn't have the same objective view when I was in the middle of it and I admire my parents for how they dealt with their situation.

You haven't said but I am guessing your parents come from a culture where the extended family is more "involved" than the bog standard British family today- as my family were too and a situation where "elders" expected to be deferred to and never wrong !

Just think what great in laws you and your wife are going to be in the future.......as you'll never be like your parents

mumps

Trek_girl wrote: »

One thing I would strongly recommend to anyone who can afford it is a cleaner. Even just two hours a week makes a huge difference to the workload. For your wife just the sheer relief that someone else will clean the bathroom and mop the floors and Hoover is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And maybe if you quantify her contribution it may make you see things differently i.e. Someone who comes in 2hrs per week has their work valued at £80 per month. So your wife who puts in 12 hours per day, not including night time wake ups is worth how much to the family?

He is out of the house travelling and working 12 hrs per day. She has two school age children. What can she be doing for 12 hrs a day, housework doesn't take that much time and with school age children how many night time wake ups are there? I can't for the life of me see why she would need a cleaner. Cleaning your own bathroom doesn't sound like it's that big a deal. If she is really working in the home for 60 hrs a week plus what he does in the evening and weekend what difference is 2 hrs cleaning going to make?