Stay for the kids?

mumps

duchy wrote: »

So what exactly is your step Dad sorry for ?
What exactly are they apologizing for ?

Or it is a "Everyone say sorry and we shove all the issues back under the rug" type apology ?

As for your uncles and aunties - They are clearly getting fed one side of the story from *someone* and presumably that someone isn't you or your wife.Maybe aunts and uncles asked about the kids and mother just explained she couldn't see them at the moment as OPs wife wouldn't allow it?

Someone is undermining you and your wife's decisions.
Maybe your parents, maybe your aunties and uncles -maybe the lot of them - but as the other relatives could only have heard of these issues from your parents then it's fairly clear they are disrespecting you.
The wife seems to make the decisions not the OP.

You don't need a divorce - You need to work out who has your back every day , who cares for your kids everyday, who doesn't slag you off behind your back to other family members and who agrees to see your parents even though they are rude to her and your Mum behaves inappropriately around your children and discusses topics around them that are unsuitable.
Don't you think the OPs wife might just have been a bit rude about the washing machine? We all do things slightly different ways doesn't mean one way is right and one is wrong.

Your wife is clearly a straight shooter with principles who won't make fake apologies - although I'm not sure that is true of your step Dad or your Mum as if they were genuinely sorry they wouldn't be dragging other family into the issue biatching about you behind your back to them.

Yet you are super critical of your wife (and quite nasty implying she might make a point of looking busy when you work from home- yet you don't seem to have any reason to think this - except possibly it might be what YOU would do !!) . She sounds very loyal but I'm not sure you can see that.
I think this is unfair, he was answering a question I put to him. Given that he is out of the house 12 hours a day at work I can't imagine what she finds to do if she is "busy" for all 12 hours, in fact he says some of that time is walking the dog and shopping, stuff many people do out of choice and find preferable to going out to work.


If the roles were reversed and it was your wife's parents arguing with you - ignoring how you wanted things to be around the children, giving your kids nightmares with inappropriate conversation and getting all HER relatives to gossip about you and blank you -and your wife was telling you it was fine, you just needed to put up with it......that she didn't want you to protect the kids from any of the above - and in fact she was going to take the kids without you even though you didn't feel right about it as you knew if her parents pushed her she could be manipulated into leaving the children alone with the granny who scares them and insults you behind your back................... Would you think your wife was a marvelous wife- or would you feel rather disappointed and let down by her ?

I must have missed the post about the children having nightmares and being scared of granny. Where was that?

One of my grandchildren is 8 and he, and his friends, love Horrible Histories which are pretty gruesome and it never seems to give any of them nightmares.

LannieDuck

duchy wrote: »

He assumed he knew what it was like but had never actually walked in my shoes and was shocked at just how much work is involved . He reckoned it was MUCH tougher than his high flying IT job He also didn't realize the impact the lack of adult conversation impacts on a parent at home too btw.

I completely, utterly and totally agree with this. Me and OH both work 4 days a week and look after kids one day a week each. We both agree that we go back to work for a rest!

Obv the OP's kids are at school so it's a bit different, but nonetheless the drudge of housework can be quite invisible when you're used to it being done for you.

mumps

LannieDuck wrote: »

I'm not sure, that's why I was asking. I have two small kids (2 and 4yo), and we have a huge amount of chores to do at the weekend. Even on those rare occasions that one of us has had the week off work, we still get left with things to do on Sat/Sun (albeit less than normal) - swimming lessons to take the kids to/from, the endless laundry loads, washing up after meals. I don't know what jobs older kids generate, but maybe homework supervision, cleaning football kit, whatever bedtime stuff the OP does with the kids during the week he doesn't mention as one of his weekend chores... etc.

Maybe he and his wife are left with very few jobs at the weekend.. but I thought it was worth a query.

Your children are very young, by the time they are 11 they should be taking some responsibility and doing some chores. You couldn't expect your two year old to tidy his bedroom and sort out his washing for example but quite reasonable for an 11 year old. I suppose some of it is what is regarded as work or chores, I used to love taking the kids to swimming lessons, I knew several of the other mums and we would have a coffee and catch up while watching the kids swimming. We worked so didn't have the chance to do this after school so Saturday morning at the swimming pool was a social outing. Like walking the dog, to me a pleasure to the OP and his wife a chore. Helping or supervising homework/bedtime routines were time for family, not hard work. Maybe I am just a glass half full person.

LannieDuck

tight_scotsman wrote: »

i would just walk out and leave her to struggle on. She will soon be on the phone crying for you to come home. Especially when money becomes tight. i would deffo call her bluff.

As my old granny used to say "You dont miss the water until the well runs dry"

Or... she might not. The OP says his wife is a strong woman, so why assume she'd come crying back to him? She could put in a CSA claim, go on benefits, keep the house until the children grow up and put in a claim for spousal maintenance.

It sounds as if the OP is a loving father. This route might end up with him living separately to his children.

If the marriage has reached that stage, fair enough... but I wouldn't suggest doing it as a 'call my bluff' move.

mumps

LannieDuck wrote: »

I completely, utterly and totally agree with this. Me and OH both work 4 days a week and look after kids one day a week each. We both agree that we go back to work for a rest!

Obv the OP's kids are at school so it's a bit different, but nonetheless the drudge of housework can be quite invisible when you're used to it being done for you.

Well its easy then isn't it, her kids are at school all day so why not get a job. She could then pay someone to do the drudge.

duchy

mumps wrote: »

I think she is looking for things to do which is sad and might explain her short temper and controlling attitude.

Re the OPs parents talking to other family members, do people really think that is something you can control? If I was upset with something one of my kids had done, or their partners, I might well have a moan to my sister. Isn't that normal in families? I don't think they should then behave in an unpleasant way to my kids, that isn't on, but talking to my sister is not something my DIL is going to control.

I don't think she's looking for things to do - but I do think she has different standards - but that's not uncommon. Housework can always be expanded to fill available time . If you work fulltime woodwork and windows tend not to be washed down until clearly needed rather than as part of a regular routine. Some people enjoy having a home that is forever sparkling and can't relax til it is- others are happy with clean but not sparkling as there are other things they prefer to do than add sparkle - neither is wrong- we are all different.

As for the gossiping in the family. We all know which family members we can tell our secrets to and no-one will ever know - and which ones are incapable of keeping their mouths shut.
My feeling is the Grandmother knows what her siblings are like and how they would behave so she can hardly complain when her son takes exception to her gossiping about him and his and doesn't want to bring the kids around as she has annoyed him.
The fact her gossiping has damaged the OP's relationship with other family members seems to imply the grandmother was quite spiteful.

LannieDuck

mumps wrote: »

Your children are very young, by the time they are 11 they should be taking some responsibility and doing some chores. You couldn't expect your two year old to tidy his bedroom and sort out his washing for example but quite reasonable for an 11 year old. I suppose some of it is what is regarded as work or chores, I used to love taking the kids to swimming lessons, I knew several of the other mums and we would have a coffee and catch up while watching the kids swimming. We worked so didn't have the chance to do this after school so Saturday morning at the swimming pool was a social outing. Like walking the dog, to me a pleasure to the OP and his wife a chore. Helping or supervising homework/bedtime routines were time for family, not hard work. Maybe I am just a glass half full person.

I'm in the pool with the kids still at the moment, so no chance for a quiet cuppa! But I agree that it might be v different with an 11yo

LannieDuck

mumps wrote: »

Well its easy then isn't it, her kids are at school all day so why not get a job. She could then pay someone to do the drudge.

(I should have multi-quoted, sorry!)

I agree, hence my earlier question about whether being a SAHM was her choice

quarky

duchy wrote: »

So what exactly is your step Dad sorry for ?
What exactly are they apologizing for ?

Or it is a "Everyone say sorry and we shove all the issues back under the rug" type apology ?

There have been apologies already over the past, and specific ones for specific things, so I guess a general catch-all, to make everyone feel better, let's move on, kind of thing.

duchy wrote: »

As for your uncles and aunties - They are clearly getting fed one side of the story from *someone* and presumably that someone isn't you or your wife.

Correct, it is my Mum. I guess for me, I have no problems with her getting support from people, including family, but yes, I don't want more crap being spread around.

duchy wrote: »

You don't need a divorce - You need to work out who has your back every day , who cares for your kids everyday, who doesn't slag you off behind your back to other family members and who agrees to see your parents even though they are rude to her and your Mum behaves inappropriately around your children and discusses topics around them that are unsuitable.

Thanks.

duchy wrote: »

Your wife is clearly a straight shooter with principles who won't make fake apologies - although I'm not sure that is true of your step Dad or your Mum as if they were genuinely sorry they wouldn't be dragging other family into the issue biatching about you behind your back to them.

Yep she is, and it doesn't help that my parents seem especially sensitive. So volatility is inevitable perhaps.

duchy wrote: »

Yet you are super critical of your wife (and quite nasty implying she might make a point of looking busy when you work from home- yet you don't seem to have any reason to think this - except possibly it might be what YOU would do !!) . She sounds very loyal but I'm not sure you can see that.

Actually, I didn't mean it nastily. I know she gets time to see her friends too, which is great. You are right though, even when I disagree with her over things, she is acting out of loyalty.

duchy wrote: »

If the roles were reversed and it was your wife's parents arguing with you - ignoring how you wanted things to be around the children, giving your kids nightmares with inappropriate conversation and getting all HER relatives to gossip about you and blank you -and your wife was telling you it was fine, you just needed to put up with it......that she didn't want you to protect the kids from any of the above - and in fact she was going to take the kids without you even though you didn't feel right about it as you knew if her parents pushed her she could be manipulated into leaving the children alone with the granny who scares them and insults you behind your back................... Would you think your wife was a marvelous wife- or would you feel rather disappointed and let down by her ?

Yep, I would get sick of it pretty quick.

duchy

mumps wrote: »

Well its easy then isn't it, her kids are at school all day so why not get a job. She could then pay someone to do the drudge.

Because she and the OP want her home for the kids
What is this obsession that all women should have a job ?
If a couple decide that one parent stays home as it's better for the children (housework is done to free more time up for family time, if kids are ill they can be picked up straight away instead of with a delay, parent can volunteer at the school , school holidays the kids don't get farmed out and Mum and kids can have days out too as well and not just restricted to parent's annual leave etc etc and are fortunate enough to be able to afford to do so - then why not.

I do think there can be an element of jealousy from parents who can't afford to SAH sometimes.

To me choosing to stay home can be as liberating a decision as accepting a place on the board. Liberation is about having the right and ability to choose - We can't all afford that choice - but if you can *and you want it* then do it.