Stay for the kids?

quarky

Honestly, there isn't actually that much more too it. They stayed with us when they moved back, longer than we/they were expecting (we were going to buy a flat to rent to them but it fell through). So then the arguments about my parents being messy, and not using the washing machine correctly. All understandable, at least to me. Having people over is very stressful (well, to a lot of us I guess).


On top of that though, my wife doesn't like my Mum. She finds her strange and unusual (like my Mum would say "Oh, the kids learnt to read on horror stories"). She also writes, so was telling us over dinner that she needed to come up with different ways for characters to die. So yes, she is unusual perhaps. As mentioned, she is also bi-polar so has mentioned "hearing voices" before. She is on medication.


Anyway, after the argument, my parents moved out, and we all tried to reconcile things, but then my Mum would send me emails which were quite stressful to me, almost demanding to see the kids. I showed that to my wife, she didn't take it well. I went around to see my parents and told them that they can't just demand to see the kids. Then the "why" came up and I said that my wife doesn't feel comfortable with them being around my Mum (because of her conditions) and with my Dad (because he shouted at her).


So we have barely (well I have, but the wife and kids haven't) seen them for months.


I don't think I have left anything out, there is other smoking gun.

duchy

Agreed - you are clearly glossing over an awful lot.

However if your wife finds your parents that difficult to deal with (and I have some sympathy with that - my Dad's much older sister was an absolute cow and very critical especially of and to the spouses of her siblings ) then I suggest you do what my parents did. Dad took the kids alone to visit and Mum happily stayed home. As kids we had no idea and believed the fiction that Mum was too busy to come along. Of course if we had other commitments as a family they always came before visiting my aunt.

You are acting as if your children can't see their grandparents unless both you and your wife are there - which is nonsense. I will say however you should make it clear to the grandparents that you will not tolerate them criticizing your wife in front of your children. My Dad did this and it worked til I was about 15 when my aunt forgot herself and slagged off my Mum to me when I was visiting alone. I told her I was leaving as no-one criticized my Mum to me (I was a very feisty teen) and she rapidly backtracked and never did it again. Some people just can't help themselves when it comes to family and think they can say what they like unless reined in.

You sound quite weak when it comes to your parents - If I was your wife and your parents - with a history of unstable mental health and an obsession with talking about topics that might give the kids nightmares - as well as lack of control and manners shouting -I'm not sure I'd want the kids visiting them either without some very strong assurances from my husband that he was the one in control around them and if lines were crossed he'd bring the kids home straightaway. It's not a case of not liking them -it's their behaviour she doesn't like. There is a difference.

quarky

Thanks Duchy. Honestly, I am not glossing a lot over, there really isn't a lot more to it than that.


"You are acting as if your children can't see their grandparents unless both you and your wife are there - which is nonsense"


Unfortunately not. My wife doesn't want that either. If that was possible, the whole thing would be much less of an issue. Perhaps that is where a compromise can be found, but it would have to be on my wife's part.


"You sound quite weak when it comes to your parents -"
Sure, I can understand why you think that. We moved to different countries as kids so I didn't get a lot of time with my grandparents. So I guess there is that (I want my kids to have that chance), and I suppose the fact that I barely saw them either for 14 years.


But she definitely doesn't like them, or their behaviour

janb5

quarky wrote: »

At the moment, my parents don't really think they can cope with seeing my wife again. They feel like they have tried their best, but it is just too much for them to deal with and for their own wellbeing, they can't carry on (apparently my wife told my Mum they were terrible grand-parents, although I am not sure exactly when this happened). Which of course means no seeing their grand-kids in the near future. And I really have no idea how this will play out with my extended family. Sure, their choice, but it really hurts seeing them in this situation (although they accept my position as I have said in the past that it is family first). What next? If my wife feels that my parents are talking to them (my extended family) behind her back, and doesn't feel comfortable meeting them, do I have to let them go too?

Forsaking everyone else. That is a really difficult one. I agree with the general concept, but does that excuse all the behaviour of your spouse towards others? Is it some kind of trump card or is there still a line that gets drawn at some point?

So if I don't push the issue, my kids won't see their grand-parents for years probably. If I do push it, it will probably end the relationship between my wife and I. Perhaps staying hurts fewer people. Although it feels the best decision, it doesn't feel "right". Not at the moment.

The perceived lack of respect and appreciation towards me are big issues, but as much as I have agreed to support my wife in not letting the kids spend time alone with my parents, that is still a major problem.

No, nationality has never been an issue that I have heard from either side.


We still need to sit down and talk to each other about this. There are mitigating circumstances why I haven't done this yet (other stressful things going on at the moment), but hopefully it will be tomorrow or the day after.


Thanks again for all the comments. It has been good to express myself but also to read your comments.

Could you write in a bigger font please- it is really difficult to read! Thank you

Person_one

Does your wife need some reassurance that you will stand up to your parents and not allow any badmouthing, and that you will step in if they start talking about inappropriate things in front of the children?

Maybe if you and your wife sit down and have a proper conversation where you agree some rules and plans so that your children can see their grandparents but not be affected by the behaviours they exhibit that worry your wife?

balletshoes

quarky wrote: »

Thanks Duchy. Honestly, I am not glossing a lot over, there really isn't a lot more to it than that.


"You are acting as if your children can't see their grandparents unless both you and your wife are there - which is nonsense"


Unfortunately not. My wife doesn't want that either. If that was possible, the whole thing would be much less of an issue. Perhaps that is where a compromise can be found, but it would have to be on my wife's part.


"You sound quite weak when it comes to your parents -"
Sure, I can understand why you think that. We moved to different countries as kids so I didn't get a lot of time with my grandparents. So I guess there is that (I want my kids to have that chance), and I suppose the fact that I barely saw them either for 14 years.


But she definitely doesn't like them, or their behaviour

she doesn't have to like them or their behaviour, just as your parents clearly don't in return.

I do have sympathy for you quarky, you're stuck in the middle, trying to please everyone. Not going to happen I have to say, I don't think.

At the end of the day I don't think your wife has any right to stop you and your children visiting your parents. She may not like it, but so what? Does she get to demand, like your mum tried to, and you just have to do what she says? Thats not fair on you or your children (I'm not getting into whats fair on your parents because I suspect they are as much to blame for the discord as your wife is in the long run).

Go visit your parents, with your kids. Make it as regular a thing as you feel is suitable for you and the kids. If your mum "hears voices" and your children are young I don't think I'd be particularly chuffed with the idea of them being left alone with her either, so I'm with your wife on that one.

duchy

Person_one wrote: »

Does your wife need some reassurance that you will stand up to your parents and not allow any badmouthing, and that you will step in if they start talking about inappropriate things in front of the children?

Maybe if you and your wife sit down and have a proper conversation where you agree some rules and plans so that your children can see their grandparents but not be affected by the behaviours they exhibit that worry your wife?

I'm glad someone gets what I meant

Yes - exactly this

You and your wife aren't communicating (I suspect not just about this but about anything very much). Talk to her about the issue - listen to what she has to say and acknowledge her concerns -and then address them and reassure her that if your Mum decides to start discussing ways of dismembering bodies in front of the kids you will shut her down instantly or bring the kids home. Reassure her you won't be leaving the children alone with either your Mum or your shouty Dad as you share her concerns and the kids come first.
At the moment the stand off is because you feel she's trying to make you choose between her and your parents - so instead of that negotiate a compromise. Maybe limit the visits to 30 mins to start with ....or only on neutral territory rather than in either home . Once you start talking and discussing options it gets easier.

My own son's grandfather decided he wanted to see my seven year old son after no contact for all of my son's life and in fact no contact with my son's father since he was was 7 too.
He was demanding my husband brought him to see him in hospital ....where he was under armed guard after being shot in the street for (according to him) absolutely no reason at all !

I said No - that he could see him once things had calmed down but not when we had no idea why he was shot and when the police thought someone might have another go (hence the armed guard)

My husband wasn't happy I was saying no but I stood my ground (much as your wife is) as I did feel that it was potentially dangerous for my son . I did offer the compromise of when he came home from hospital - and this happened - The art of compromise. Talk with her about what bad things she thinks might happen with your parents and the children and address those worries one by one. If she knows you are putting your children's needs before your parent's she'll probably be more reasonable because you are sounding like your parents wants are taking precedence over the wants and needs of your own family at the moment.

Happier_Me

Hi Quarky

There is a lot of focus on the issues with your parents in this thread but it sounds to me like there are other issues that need addressing too (your wife sounds very controlling OP) if you are to get your relationship back on track.

Before you talk to her, I think you need to be really honest with yourself - what needs fixing/changing for YOU to want to stay in this relationship? And what compromises would be acceptable for YOU? Write it down!

If you give in entirely to your wife's demands, that's not compromise and I think that will end your relationship in time anyway as the resentment you feel builds.

For instance, in respect of your parents, assuming the issues are as you have typed, then a compromise would be that you take your children to see your parents once a week/fortnight. This is not an unreasonable request - expecting you to cut off your family in these circumstances is OP!

TopQuark

Hello OP,

I have to say that your wife sounds quite controlling, difficult and precious from the descriptions. If there really isn't much more to the argument with your parents than some cross words over a washing machine, I find her attitude totally unreasonable.

Could there be other underlying issues with her? For example, I have a good friend whose wife also became a good friend when they got together. Since having the children, she is incapable of doing or saying anything that doesn't relate to the kids and she seems to have developed an unhealthy obsession with them. For example, she won't even leave them with him, their own father, for more than an hour or two. They missed our wedding because of this issue and it causes lots of problems for them with both sets of grandparents. He has raised his concern over the issue with me in the past. Could something like this be happening with your wife?

I don't think it is unreasonable at all that she do the lion's share of household tasks, particularly as the children are at school for most of the day. Earlier in the year, my husband quit his job in order to look for another more suited to what he wanted to do. I was therefore the sole earner for about 5 months. This was absolutely fine and I wanted to support him in this way, but I would certainly not have been best pleased if I'd been at work all day and then had to come home to do the cooking, cleaning and household chores. To be honest, I really don't know how anyone could cope with not working once the children were at school, unless prevented from doing so by disability or suchlike. I think I would go insane. Maybe taking a job would be a good thing for your wife? Is she happy being a stay at home parent?

As everyone else has said, you at least need to sit down and have a serious discussion about your futures before you throw in the towel. If it still doesn't work out, at least you will know you have tried. Make sure you find the right time to do this and leave plenty of time; the last thing you will need when discussing something as serious as the breakup of your marriage, is banal interruptions. However, I would also echo others' sentiments in that I wouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship for the supposed sake of the kids - it won't do anyone any good in the long run. Good luck.

duchy

quarky wrote: »

But she definitely doesn't like them, or their behaviour

Well if they weren't your parents - how would you feel about their behaviour ? Would you want someone shouty and someone as "quirky" as your Mum can be (the fact she can't see that grisly topics aren't suitable around young children does indicate her filter is a bit off -plus you grew up with her bi-polar but it's quite scary to someone who didn't - especially with the protective mother instinct in play) to be alone with your children ?