Stay for the kids?

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

You doing some housework is not 'helping', as though its only her responsibility and you're doing her some sort of favour by chipping in. You're an adult, you live in the house and you made the children, its your job as much as it is hers.

As she is at home all day, why shouldn't it be her job to get the housework done during those hours?

What is she doing all day?

bagpussbear

You need to have a deep conversation with your wife, and I also second others advice about relationship counselling, even if you go on your own at first.

In your opening post you say "I really don't think she has any idea how hard things would be if I wasn't around ...." (ie. you feel she doesn't appreciate you) but actually have you really thought how hard you might find things if she wasn't around (particularly as you say you think you still love her)?

Its common for us to take each other for granted over the course of a long relationship, and not to see the positives in each other any more.

The parents situation seems to have aggravated things quite a lot, did your wife have any say about your parents staying that long? If not I understand why she may be resentful about that. But equally, its a pretty strong thing for her to ban your folks from spending time alone with your children, and I can understand why you would annoyed at that, indeed allow that. That suggests there is a lot going on in her mind, and I think it all needs to come out in the open, ideally in a counsellor setting.

What's coming across is a bit of a loss of respect for each other, and a loss of an emotional connection at the moment. Both can be resolved if both partners want to work on it. Good luck OP.

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

As she is at home all day, why shouldn't it be her job to get the housework done during those hours?

What is she doing all day?

Because they are both adults who both live in the house and both contribute to the stuff that makes the mess.

They can divvy it up however they both feel is fair and appropriate that's 50/50 or 90/10 but when you decide that everything 'domestic' and cleaning related is the woman's 'job' then I think you're on really dodgy ground.

For one thing, you start getting this rubbish from blokes about wanting to be 'appreciated' for 'helping'. Come on!

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

Because they are both adults who both live in the house and both contribute to the stuff that makes the mess.

They can divvy it up however they both feel is fair and appropriate that's 50/50 or 90/10 but when you decide that everything 'domestic' and cleaning related is the woman's 'job' then I think you're on really dodgy ground.

When I was at home most of the week and my OH was at work, I didn't expect him to come home and start doing housework.

All the regular stuff can be done easily Monday to Friday. Weekday evening meals should be the responsibility of the person who has all that time on their hands.

Putting the kids to bed during the week and the necessary stuff at the the weekends should be shared - not all done by the person who has been out at work all day.

FBaby

But then it is how she looks at it. If she considers that bringing the money in is the man's 'job', than surely there is nothing wrong in thinking that it is indeed her job to look after the house.

Or it is a case that his 'job' is to bring in the income and share half of the housework, whilst she does....what during her free time?

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

When I was at home most of the week and my OH was at work, I didn't expect him to come home and start doing housework.

All the regular stuff can be done easily Monday to Friday. Weekday evening meals should be the responsibility of the person who has all that time on their hands.

Putting the kids to bed during the week and the necessary stuff at the the weekends should be shared - not all done by the person who has been out at work all day.

So you agree that housework shouldn't be only the woman's job if she doesn't work outside the home? If you didn't think it fair for your OH to pitch in and do some chores of an evening after work, that's entirely up to the two of you of course.

seven-day-weekend

I also don't see why he should have to come in and do housework. The children, presumably are at school all day. She could do it then.

From what I know of this board, the comments would be different if she went to work and he stayed at home all day, I expect. He would be expected to do the housework whilst the children were at school and have a meal waiting for his hard-working wife. Double standards everywhere.

I also do not think his parents criticising her house means that the children should not see them (unless of course there is more to it than that).

Should you stay for the children? Only you can decide, but I'm glad you are considering that option. Many don't.

I personally hope you can sort things out with your wife and that you all stay as a family. Good luck.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

But then it is how she looks at it. If she considers that bringing the money in is the man's 'job', than surely there is nothing wrong in thinking that it is indeed her job to look after the house.

Or it is a case that his 'job' is to bring in the income and share half of the housework, whilst she does....what during her free time?

Well, we don't know how she sees it and we aren't going to find out!

There are a couple of children, and a possible immigration status issues from a previous thread about a 'friend'.

Person_one

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I also do not think his parents criticising her house means that the children should not see them (unless of course there is more to it than that).

I would definitely hazard a guess that there's more to it than that!

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

So you agree that housework shouldn't be only the woman's job if she doesn't work outside the home? If you didn't think it fair for your OH to pitch in and do some chores of an evening after work, that's entirely up to the two of you of course.

It's nothing to do with housework being woman's work or man's work - whoever is at home all week should be able to manage all the routine household tasks.

Why should the partner who works all day have to come home and do chores that could easily be done by the partner who has been home all day?