Stay for the kids?

Person_one

quarky wrote: »

Person_One,


1) Helping. Correct, and I agree about responsibility, but then I am out at work all day (whereas she doesn't work). I am happy with that arrangement in general, but working all day, coming home and helping clear up the house, and bath/bed the kids, as well as doing all the weekend dinners (and the cleaning afterwards) seem fairly reasonable to me. I am not a saint, but I feel I more than pull my weight. Maybe not though? If she was out at work the same hours, I would expect a 50/50 split of household duties. That isn't the case though.


2) My parents (over)stayed with us when they moved back. They were with us for about six weeks during which there were arguments about cleanliness, the washing machine, etc. Noting major in my opinion (again though, I accept that it is only mine and she obviously feels different).




Thanks for the comments everyone. Hopefully we will talk it all out next week and I will feel very silly.

1. Its not about the percentage split, that can vary and still be fair and respectful to both partners, especially when one works more hours outside the home. What matters is attitude, it comes across that you perhaps don't feel she is grateful/appreciative enough of the fact that you do some of the housework. Well, why should she be? That should be normal! Are you grateful and appreciative of the housework and the tasks that she does?

2. Well, I did say you could keep to vague and you did! I suppose its impossible to fully understand it from your wife's point of view when she isn't the one posting. Don't underestimate the impact on her of being belittled and insulted in her own home though, it must have been awful. Its also much easier to forgive when its your own parents in the wrong rather than your inlaws. There was a man on here a bit ago who couldn't understand why his wife was so hostile to his parents when he openly admitted that they called her family 'scummies' to her face!

Have you ever considered counselling? There is a lot of useful information on the Relate website, and they charge on a sliding scale depending on your income I believe. A little outside help can do wonders, whether you end up working things out or not you'd probably find it helpful.

Keeping_Motivated

I suspect underlying all this is you have lost respect for each other re your parents?

She has controlled (used the children) to the point that the children cannot be seen by your parents unless SHE is there? And you have accepted this?

She may have wanted you to accept this but at the same time you don't sound like you have stood your ground with her and defended your children's right to see their grandparents freely or your parents rights to see them...so has she lost respect for you for this subconsciously?

Have you lost respect for her for 'making' you do this?

You are now fearing that she will move the goal posts and stop further contact with your family? Are you fearing this because you can't or won't stand up for what you believe to be right?

Why does she want to alienate her children and your parents and you from your family? Are they a risk to the children? A bad influence? Or is she insecure?

You sound like you have been passive in this situation rather than assertive so now you are behaving passive aggressively by 'punishing' her and leaving? So therefore passive for an easier life then resentful that you have chosen to accept a situation you are uncomfortable with?

RAS

Hi

I think you need to go see a relationship advisor. If you can both go that would be wonderful; if not go on your own to work out what you want.

With respect to the children, they are young enough that if necessary the courts would decide what was in their best interests. Whilst they are with you it is your decision who they see.

And even whilst you are together, your wife really should not be preventing contact unless there are safeguarding issues.

shoe*diva79

I think you need to make sure you know what will happen to her as per your post on the benefits and tax credits board with her being Polish etc.

Trek_girl

One thing I would strongly recommend to anyone who can afford it is a cleaner. Even just two hours a week makes a huge difference to the workload. For your wife just the sheer relief that someone else will clean the bathroom and mop the floors and Hoover is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And maybe if you quantify her contribution it may make you see things differently i.e. Someone who comes in 2hrs per week has their work valued at £80 per month. So your wife who puts in 12 hours per day, not including night time wake ups is worth how much to the family?

FBaby

I think they have a pretty good environment at the moment (not in terms of material things, but experiences) and a lot of that would have to change.

What experiences do they enjoy currently that they wouldn't be able to have if you separated?

One thing you need to ask yourself is why is she staying if she herself feels so aggravated with you. Have you considered that the possibility that she might be staying with the lifestyle you are offering her rather than you? I genuinely hope not, but I have heard it from unhappy wives before, going on and on about how terrible their husbands are, but when ask why they don't leave, they say that they would then have to work and wouldn't be able to afford the house/car etc... I always feel sorry for these men, so hope that is not the case for you.

cr1mson

She sounds like she is very unhappy. Is she happy being a SAHM? Was it something that was discussed or just happenned? Even if she is happy having your parents come in and criticise her work effectively would be horrible. If she is unhappy already it would be even worse.

I think it is time to sit down and talk possibly with the help of counsellors.

Guest101

Theree's a number of possibilities here.


Your Wife is controlling
Your overly sensitive / emotionally unstable
Your family has insulted her
Your wife is lazy
etc
etc
etc.


These are all points of view.


You say you see your extended family every year at Christmas - what about her family?


You work and do a fair share of the household (I cant argue with that), but does your wife want to start working - worried she wont balance the home / work lifestyle?


She's controlling? Or she's concerned that your parents came to stay in her home and criticised her for it? In YOUR shoes, they'd get one warning and then out. 2 capable adults should be grateful for a place to stay.


I think it's great you do a good level of the housework. And I think a lot of people do appreciate it. Just like you do appreciate that the kids are well looked after and you can concentrate on providing financially. - Perhaps you just need some time away from everyone else.

pinkshoes

OMG you can be my husband!!

I work 4 days a week and do nearly all the house work! Would love it if my husband cooked at weekends and helped out more without having to be nagged! His "chore" is walking the dogs, but if he classifies this as a chore, they can be re-homed as it is him who wants them and the cause of much of the housework!

If your kids are 8 and 11, then your wife needs to get at the very least a part time job. she should be doing ALL the housework during term time, then most perhaps 75% in school holidays with the kids helping. It's not like the kids are at an age where they need much looking after!

Why not suggest going away for Christmas as s family, then next year see your family?

Her attitude towards your parents sounds odd. stopping the kids seeing their grandparents is just mean and not being a good parent at all.

I think the two of you should try counselling first, as there is no point trying to pretend all is fine.

You should perhaps make it clear that unless things change, the house will be sold, the equity split, then she will need to take a job to cover a mortgage. If you want to share custody of the kids, then you will need more than a 1 bedroom flat.

PeacefulWaters

Talk
Counselling
Time

But don't stay for the kids. And don't hang on in there forever hoping it will improve.