Stay for the kids?

Pixie5740

quarky wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies. All of them appreciated.

I guess just to clear a few things up, there is pretty much always stuff to do. Walk the dog, she does a lot of cleaning. Food/house shopping. She looks after the garden. She does a lot. Some of it, I wouldn't consider necessarily at times, but I appreciate that she does it. I wouldn't want her to go to work unless she wanted to, I am happy that she is home whenever the kids require (before school, after school, during school time if required). Yes, she gets time to see friends but I don't begrudge that. Being at home all the time is no picnic.

Are you saying that, in your eyes, your wife does enough around the house as a SAHM or do you wish she did more so that you don't have to pitch in when you get home from work?

Nor should you begrudge your wife time to see her friend. I hope that you also have time to see your friends.

quarky wrote: »

My parents didn't criticize my wife's cleanliness, she criticised theirs. However, the fact that my Dad shouted at her in her own house *is* a problem (he did this over an argument over the washing machine, there was a perceived insinuation about lying, but I wasn't there). He has offered to apologise, but as I mentioned, she isn't really one to forget and forgive easily. To me, it is the easy route. Some people can't do that, but I guess that keeps things interesting. My Mum is also on medication for bi-polar. Again though, I don't personally consider that a safety issue, even if she can be a bit strange and self-deprecating at times.

Yes your dad shouting at her is a problem. Why did your father offer to apologise rather than just biting the bullet and apologising to your wife? You say that your wife isn't one to forgive and forget but neither you nor your father know how far a sincere apology might go towards restoring some kind of civil relationship between her and your parents.

Has your wife cited your mother's bi-polar as a reason for not wanting the children to be left alone with your parents?

quarky wrote: »

"Keeping Motivated" talked about being passive, and there is probably some truth to that. We actually went to counselling about the parents issue and the counsellor suggested that we start small (ie, start me my and the kids seeing my parents). But that was incredibly hard for my wife (so caused stress for us both) and since then I spoke to a friend who basically said "what the hell are you doing, risking your family life, for you parents". Put like that, I agreed, but where do you draw the line?

Why is it so difficult for your wife to start small with just you, the children and your parents? Is it just because your father shouted at her? Your mother's bi-polar? Some other reason you have not disclosed?

quarky wrote: »

"balletshoes", I suspect it would all change if we split because I would have the kids at least some of the time!

Do you not spend any time with your children alone?

quarky wrote: »

Ultimately though, I really appreciate the message about time and talking. Nothing to lose by doing that!

Discussion should be your first port of call not heading for the hills.

System

Ive always been a stay at home Mum (traded the name for a housewife now the kids have left home - well all but one any way). Our roles have always been easily defined. My role was house, kids and him and his role was work, DIY and garden. It worked out really well until i tried going out to work. He expected me to do the same as i always had and physically and mentally i couldnt cope.

I was talking about something similar yesterday with my Son In Law over something he was struggling with. I think its just a matter of settling in your heart what is right and what is wrong, double check your motives and stick to your guns.

Before deciding to leave, you need to talk things through. Openly and honestly.

duchy

quarky wrote: »

i]"Keeping Motivated" talked about being passive, and there is probably some truth to that. We actually went to counselling about the parents issue and the counsellor suggested that we start small (ie, start me my and the kids seeing my parents). But that was incredibly hard for my wife (so caused stress for us both) and since then I spoke to a friend who basically said "what the hell are you doing, risking your family life, for you parents". Put like that, I agreed, but where do you draw the line?]

Turn it around
If your wife's parents were damaging your family's lives and causing upset and distress- would you expect your wife's first loyalty to be to you and your children or to her parents ?

Marriage vows speak of "forsaking all others" ultimately that means the family you have created takes priority over your parents (who apparently behaved badly towards your family) sometimes there is room for compromise- sometimes you have to choose -and sometimes you look after your family and let time heal wounds and then gradually find your way back to a relationship with the grandparents.

System

One thing ive learned from being a Mum to sons..

My parents (over)stayed with us when they moved back. They were with us for about six weeks during which there were arguments about cleanliness, the washing machine, etc. Noting major in my opinion (again though, I accept that it is only mine and she obviously feels different).

Never ever criticise your sons partner because it will bounce back on you.

Your parents were wrong in overstaying and they certainly should have kept their mouths well and truly shut no matter how they felt about the place.

Whilst you think the criticism was nothing major, i would feel like your wife if someone came into my house and dictated how things should be or how they should run. I wouldnt even do that to my own daughter let alone a daughter in law.

GlasweJen

Is your wife the lady you asked about on the benefits board?

If so is there any chance your parents have ever made her nationality an issue?

Pricivius

Judi wrote: »

One thing ive learned from being a Mum to sons..



Never ever criticise your sons partner because it will bounce back on you.

Your parents were wrong in overstaying and they certainly should have kept their mouths well and truly shut no matter how they felt about the place.

Whilst you think the criticism was nothing major, i would feel like your wife if someone came into my house and dictated how things should be or how they should run. I wouldnt even do that to my own daughter let alone a daughter in law.

The OP clarified above that it was his wife who criticised his parents' cleanliness, not the other way round...

balletshoes

Pricivius wrote: »

The OP clarified above that it was his wife who criticised his parents' cleanliness, not the other way round...

yes but we don't know what was said, under what circumstances and in what context - and there was also an argument between his wife and his dad apparently, over the washing machine.

System

Pricivius wrote: »

The OP clarified above that it was his wife who criticised his parents' cleanliness, not the other way round...

Well if it was justified then ... oh dear me!:(

quarky

At the moment, my parents don't really think they can cope with seeing my wife again. They feel like they have tried their best, but it is just too much for them to deal with and for their own wellbeing, they can't carry on (apparently my wife told my Mum they were terrible grand-parents, although I am not sure exactly when this happened). Which of course means no seeing their grand-kids in the near future. And I really have no idea how this will play out with my extended family. Sure, their choice, but it really hurts seeing them in this situation (although they accept my position as I have said in the past that it is family first). What next? If my wife feels that my parents are talking to them (my extended family) behind her back, and doesn't feel comfortable meeting them, do I have to let them go too?

Forsaking everyone else. That is a really difficult one. I agree with the general concept, but does that excuse all the behaviour of your spouse towards others? Is it some kind of trump card or is there still a line that gets drawn at some point?

So if I don't push the issue, my kids won't see their grand-parents for years probably. If I do push it, it will probably end the relationship between my wife and I. Perhaps staying hurts fewer people. Although it feels the best decision, it doesn't feel "right". Not at the moment.

The perceived lack of respect and appreciation towards me are big issues, but as much as I have agreed to support my wife in not letting the kids spend time alone with my parents, that is still a major problem.

No, nationality has never been an issue that I have heard from either side.


We still need to sit down and talk to each other about this. There are mitigating circumstances why I haven't done this yet (other stressful things going on at the moment), but hopefully it will be tomorrow or the day after.


Thanks again for all the comments. It has been good to express myself but also to read your comments.

Person_one

Do you want to tell us what really went on between your wife and your parents? Minor disagreements about washing machines do not tend to lead to major estrangements like this and grandparents choosing not to see their grandchildren.