Stay for the kids?

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

It's nothing to do with housework being woman's work or man's work - whoever is at home all week should be able to manage all the routine household tasks.

Why should the partner who works all day have to come home and do chores that could easily be done by the partner who has been home all day?

Again, I'm not talking about how chores are divided up, but the idea that only one person is responsible for the cooking and cleaning and that the other person 'helps' when they do any little thing around the house.

Its a shared responsibility if the home is shared, even if practicalities mean that one person generally does the bulk of the labour, the other still has that responsibility if for whatever reason they do need to pitch in and do a bit more from time to time. They aren't then 'helping' they're just readjusting how its shared out.

Mojisola

Mojisola wrote: »

Putting the kids to bed during the week and the necessary stuff at the the weekends should be shared

Person_one wrote: »

Again, I'm not talking about how chores are divided up, but the idea that only one person is responsible for the cooking and cleaning and that the other person 'helps' when they do any little thing around the house.

Its a shared responsibility if the home is shared, even if practicalities mean that one person generally does the bulk of the labour, the other still has that responsibility if for whatever reason they do need to pitch in and do a bit more from time to time. They aren't then 'helping' they're just readjusting how its shared out.

Isn't that what I said?

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

Isn't that what I said?

Well, yeah, so I don't really understand why you're disagreeing here!

onomatopoeia99

Person_one wrote: »

They can divvy it up however they both feel is fair and appropriate that's 50/50 or 90/10 but when you decide that everything 'domestic' and cleaning related is the woman's 'job' then I think you're on really dodgy ground.

It's nothing to do with it being a woman's job or a man's job. Take the gender out and reframe in terms of the person that is out at work for 12h a day and the person who is at home with the kids out of the way in school from 8.30am to 3.30pm, because they are not babies or toddlers requiring constant attention and six changes of clothes per day, but old enough to have been in full time education for years.

From experience, it does not take six hours per day five days a week to keep on top of the housework with two school age children.

Person_one

I really think I've explained my POV as well as I can in post 32 and now its just getting away from the OP's problem so I'll leave it there, and hopefully the OP will be back to flesh out some details and fill in some gaps.

balletshoes

quarky wrote: »

Sorry, one more thing. I guess what scares me too, is the next "issue". I suspect she will not want to see my extended family over Xmas (which we always did). I also suspect that this may extend to not wanting me to take the kids with me either. I really don't think I will be able to accept that...

and if you're separated, how would that be any different do you think?

duchy

Just a thought but as well as criticizing her housekeeping (am I right in saying her housekeeping rather than yours as a couple - despite you claiming to do so much too) could your parents have also made disrespectful and or critical comments about her in front of the children ?

My family (the older generation) thought anyone in the family was fair game to be critical and often hurtful about - I know spouses often didn't like it and didn't just shrug it off the way blood family who were used to their "ways" did and weren't hurt by it ?

Frankly if my partner's family were as rude as your parents were and my partner allowed me to be insulted in my own home- I'd be pretty peed off with him as well as his rude parents !

Lunar_Eclipse

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

From experience, it does not take six hours per day five days a week to keep on top of the housework with two school age children.

I agree. But also from experience, housework is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the duties of a stay at home parent.

I'm a SAHM, and do everything related to the house and family that doesn't involve earning money (though I have done that too.) Housework & grocery shopping is a fraction. This includes quite a lot: anything car related (cleaning, servicing etc), leisure activity related (theatre, holidays, social life), kid related (school meetings, clubs, 11+, 13+ etc), shopping related (new work suits for DH, school trip attire etc), appointments (dentist, hair, optician etc), house related (renovations, DIY, bills, remortgage, insurance etc.)

I think many have this split. DH goes out to work. And mows the lawn. It's my job to do the rest, 7 days a week. Not ideal, but not worth the fuss.

quarky

Thanks all for the replies. All of them appreciated.

I guess just to clear a few things up, there is pretty much always stuff to do. Walk the dog, she does a lot of cleaning. Food/house shopping. She looks after the garden. She does a lot. Some of it, I wouldn't consider necessarily at times, but I appreciate that she does it. I wouldn't want her to go to work unless she wanted to, I am happy that she is home whenever the kids require (before school, after school, during school time if required). Yes, she gets time to see friends but I don't begrudge that. Being at home all the time is no picnic.

My parents didn't criticize my wife's cleanliness, she criticised theirs. However, the fact that my Dad shouted at her in her own house *is* a problem (he did this over an argument over the washing machine, there was a perceived insinuation about lying, but I wasn't there). He has offered to apologise, but as I mentioned, she isn't really one to forget and forgive easily. To me, it is the easy route. Some people can't do that, but I guess that keeps things interesting. My Mum is also on medication for bi-polar. Again though, I don't personally consider that a safety issue, even if she can be a bit strange and self-deprecating at times.

"Keeping Motivated" talked about being passive, and there is probably some truth to that. We actually went to counselling about the parents issue and the counsellor suggested that we start small (ie, start me my and the kids seeing my parents). But that was incredibly hard for my wife (so caused stress for us both) and since then I spoke to a friend who basically said "what the hell are you doing, risking your family life, for you parents". Put like that, I agreed, but where do you draw the line?


"balletshoes", I suspect it would all change if we split because I would have the kids at least some of the time!

Ultimately though, I really appreciate the message about time and talking. Nothing to lose by doing that!

Happier_Me

pinkshoes wrote: »

OMG you can be my husband!!

I work 4 days a week and do nearly all the house work! Would love it if my husband cooked at weekends and helped out more without having to be nagged! His "chore" is walking the dogs, but if he classifies this as a chore, they can be re-homed as it is him who wants them and the cause of much of the housework!

If your kids are 8 and 11, then your wife needs to get at the very least a part time job. she should be doing ALL the housework during term time, then most perhaps 75% in school holidays with the kids helping.

Mine too! As a working mum of children similar ages to yours OP (having worked part time and full time and managing the childcare and much of the housework) it sounds to me like you are doing more than your fair share. I am all for stay at home mum's but I genuinely have no idea what you would do all day when the kids are at school!

Talk it through with your wife, tell her how you feel and what needs to change and try to make it work (if she is willing). If your marriage ends after this at least you can say you did your best. Personally, I wouldn't stay in a bad marriage for my kids, it's not healthy for them, you or anyone!