Stay for the kids?

quarky

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Quite early on, quarky made this comment and I have been waiting ever since to discover what it meant.

Well the "I wasn't there" I just meant as factual. I wasn't. But basically, there was a misunderstanding around the washing machine, which was turned on fro a three hour cycle when my wife saw it. After talking to my parents, going out to walk the dog and coming back, it was down to about 45 minutes. I think from memory my wife said that they must have manually changed the cycle. They say they didn't, and felt accused on lying. Actually in this case, they probably didn't change it, but the washing machine probably changing the time itself because there was only a couple of things in it. But my wife was still upset because she had mentioned to them several times not to turn on the washing machine just for three or four things.

duchy wrote: »

So have you sat down with your wife and talked about what you'd have done /looked at differently with hindsight and where the two of you go from here as a team ?

I do think "If you do the same you get the same " is true and you and your wife need to talk about how you want to move forward and have an agreed and team approach towards how you deal with your parents.

Think Team

We have. We did last October actually which is why we had a good few months over Xmas, but when things got to a head recently, I (again) felt that she wasn't actually trying to get a resolution, and was perhaps even trying not to. From this board, and thinking about things, I know understand that I was wrong, and I should have been more understanding and trusting. So things are on the mend again. I would love to say it won't happen again, but seeing things from other peoples point of view isn't always one of my strengths when I am one of the people involved in the situation.

duchy wrote: »

Do you think she feels unfairly taken for granted too ?
Could she feel you were unreasonable in not believing her over your step father ?

How about you go home early tonight with a big bunch of flowers , help put the kids to bed and then sit down and really talk ?
First step in making it better. Not a quick fix or a brushing over what went on before but an honest conversation where you both talk about what could have gone better and how to move forward in a different way.

Yes, I am sure she does feel taken for granted too. Especially at the moment. We have talked since my recent post here, and I think we have come up with a good solution in trying to tackle the issue of my parents. Understandably I think she would rather deal with them in a different way than I would, but we have at least a path that we can work together on. Hopefully it won't get derailed! The flowers are a good idea too.

mumps

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Quite early on, quarky made this comment and I have been waiting ever since to discover what it meant.

If it was an accusation against the OP's wife, it suggests that there was a great deal more going on between her and the in-laws than was ever grasped at the time.

I do know from experience that if I were denounced to my husband by a hostile party, and the accusation was without truth or honour, my resentment would take years to cool, no matter how many apologies were uttered. I would also be deeply offended if my husband, who describes me as a "straight shooter" weaselled out of it by saying that he can't have an opinion since he wasn't there. Add to that the (now confirmed) slanderous gossip going on against her, I'm only surprised that Mrs is still there.

I'd give a great deal to hear her side of all this!

But would it not mean a great deal if she is the one making the accusations?

OP I feel sorry for you, I think your wife is extremely lucky that you work so hard and extremely unkind to call you lazy. You work long hours and still cook and do your share at home and I completely understand why you feel unappreciated. You sound depressed to me, I think you need to speak to someone outside the situation, maybe a GP and he could refer you to a counsellor.

I hope you manage to sort something out and aren't cut off from your family. I think there has been alot of sexist attitudes on this thread, I know if a woman came on and said her husband wasn't allowing her to take the children to see her parents and extended family, calling her lazy although she worked long hours and still worked in the house people would be horrified and rightly so.

quarky

mumps wrote: »

OP I feel sorry for you, I think your wife is extremely lucky that you work so hard and extremely unkind to call you lazy. You work long hours and still cook and do your share at home and I completely understand why you feel unappreciated. You sound depressed to me, I think you need to speak to someone outside the situation, maybe a GP and he could refer you to a counsellor.

I hope you manage to sort something out and aren't cut off from your family. I think there has been alot of sexist attitudes on this thread, I know if a woman came on and said her husband wasn't allowing her to take the children to see her parents and extended family, calling her lazy although she worked long hours and still worked in the house people would be horrified and rightly so.

Thanks Mumps.


I am OK. It is very difficult, but not just for me, it has been very hard on everyone (regardless of fault). If I only wanted people to just agree with me, I wouldn't be posting on here, so I genuinely value and appreciate all feedback.


And from the other side, some male friends just say "leave her, buy a new car, and get a new guitar." Which sounds like a lot of fun, but doesn't really solve anything

seven-day-weekend

mumps wrote: »

But would it not mean a great deal if she is the one making the accusations?

OP I feel sorry for you, I think your wife is extremely lucky that you work so hard and extremely unkind to call you lazy. You work long hours and still cook and do your share at home and I completely understand why you feel unappreciated. You sound depressed to me, I think you need to speak to someone outside the situation, maybe a GP and he could refer you to a counsellor.

I hope you manage to sort something out and aren't cut off from your family. I think there has been alot of sexist attitudes on this thread, I know if a woman came on and said her husband wasn't allowing her to take the children to see her parents and extended family, calling her lazy although she worked long hours and still worked in the house people would be horrified and rightly so.

Absolutely agree.

Andypandyboy

Op, does your wife have her own family here? If not I guess she may feel very isolated and need to feel she is someones priority.

In your shoes and assuming you do want to rekindle the spark (which only seems to have been extinguished when your parents got too close for comfort) I would go out of my way to make her feel special, cherished and not just for being a good mother, but as a person, a wife and a lover.

When a person feels sure that they are top of the priority list with another they feel more able to make concessions when that person asks things of them that may be difficult. Your wife will know that you are torn, but if she feels that ultimately, if push came to shove, you would back her against them then I believe you can move forward and that situation may never actually arise. If she deep down she doubts where your loyalty lies then niggles become mountains and she will exert what little power she feels she has.

I would go out of my way to reassure her that my frst concern was her and the children and I would be laying down some ground rules for my parents; no gossiping to the extended family, no nastiness, either overt or covert, move forward from this point without further apology (unless only your wife has actually apologised) in which case your mother and step father need to do likewise. Then I would allow things to cool for a little while before gradually starting to involve them in short visits/outings again. All the while making sure your wife is onboard and that you present a united front.

All the rest of the stuff, houswork, whether your wife works etc., is extraneous imo, the crux of the issue is how she feels about who is your main concern, who you fear upsetting the most, and it should be her, not your parents or your extended family.

duchy

quarky wrote: »

Thanks Mumps.




And from the other side, some male friends just say "leave her, buy a new car, and get a new guitar." Which sounds like a lot of fun, but doesn't really solve anything

Almost as constructive as getting a cleaner to solve all your marriage issues