Stay for the kids?

quarky

itsanne wrote: »

From what you write, it doesn't sound as if you really care for her other than as the mother of your children.

I do, very much, and would love to make things better. And sometimes it feels like we are. But I guess the problem is that over the past year, it has been easy to feel taken for granted, and at times, I have thought my wife has been unreasonable. On reflection, unfairly so, but it is difficult to realise that at the time.

quarky

LannieDuck wrote: »

Maybe he and his wife are left with very few jobs at the weekend.. but I thought it was worth a query.

Yep, it means that we get more time to spend doing family stuff (and homework) on the weekends.

mumps wrote: »

Well its easy then isn't it, her kids are at school all day so why not get a job. She could then pay someone to do the drudge.

We both feel that the additional time in the evening and weekends is worth way more than any additional disposable income my wife bring in from work.

Person_one

quarky wrote: »

I do, very much, and would love to make things better. And sometimes it feels like we are. But I guess the problem is that over the past year, it has been easy to feel taken for granted, and at times, I have thought my wife has been unreasonable. On reflection, unfairly so, but it is difficult to realise that at the time.

I just want to say, well done for taking the time to reflect, and to actually adjust your point of view and admit that you were wrong at times. Of course we should all be able to do that as needed but so many people find it hard or impossible and I think you deserve some credit for being willing to come out and admit that rather than digging your heels in. :T

itsanne

quarky wrote: »

I do, very much, and would love to make things better. And sometimes it feels like we are. But I guess the problem is that over the past year, it has been easy to feel taken for granted, and at times, I have thought my wife has been unreasonable. On reflection, unfairly so, but it is difficult to realise that at the time.

It's great to see someone really thinking about the responses here rather than becoming defensive when they're not what's wanted. Without wanting to be patronising, well done!

It's only possible to change ourselves, not usually other people, but changing what we do has the knock on effect of changing how others react. If you now think it's been unfair to consider your wife unreasonable, what are you going to do differently so that you're both happier?

paddy's_mum

quarky wrote: »

my Dad shouted at her ....there was a perceived insinuation about lying, but I wasn't there

Quite early on, quarky made this comment and I have been waiting ever since to discover what it meant.

If it was an accusation against the OP's wife, it suggests that there was a great deal more going on between her and the in-laws than was ever grasped at the time.

I do know from experience that if I were denounced to my husband by a hostile party, and the accusation was without truth or honour, my resentment would take years to cool, no matter how many apologies were uttered. I would also be deeply offended if my husband, who describes me as a "straight shooter" weaselled out of it by saying that he can't have an opinion since he wasn't there. Add to that the (now confirmed) slanderous gossip going on against her, I'm only surprised that Mrs is still there.

I'd give a great deal to hear her side of all this!

duchy

So have you sat down with your wife and talked about what you'd have done /looked at differently with hindsight and where the two of you go from here as a team ?

I do think "If you do the same you get the same " is true and you and your wife need to talk about how you want to move forward and have an agreed and team approach towards how you deal with your parents.

Think Team

duchy

quarky wrote: »

I do, very much, and would love to make things better. And sometimes it feels like we are. But I guess the problem is that over the past year, it has been easy to feel taken for granted, and at times, I have thought my wife has been unreasonable. On reflection, unfairly so, but it is difficult to realise that at the time.

Do you think she feels unfairly taken for granted too ?
Could she feel you were unreasonable in not believing her over your step father ?

How about you go home early tonight with a big bunch of flowers , help put the kids to bed and then sit down and really talk ?
First step in making it better. Not a quick fix or a brushing over what went on before but an honest conversation where you both talk about what could have gone better and how to move forward in a different way.

paddy's_mum

quarky wrote: »

I do, very much, and would love to make things better. And sometimes it feels like we are. But I guess the problem is that over the past year, it has been easy to feel taken for granted, and at times, I have thought my wife has been unreasonable. On reflection, unfairly so, but it is difficult to realise that at the time.

As a couple, you have so much going for you. It would be tragic if you found yourselves unable to communicate sufficiently to find your way through these troubles to a happier place in the future.

I wish all of you the very best of luck.

mumps

LannieDuck wrote: »

I'm in the pool with the kids still at the moment, so no chance for a quiet cuppa! But I agree that it might be v different with an 11yo

Not so much fun in this weather unless you have a warm pool. Standing about while little ones learn to swim can be very cold, well it was in my day. By the time they are 11 it is a whole different ballgame, well even by 8 it is.

With four of them I have spent a fair portion of my life sitting poolside, watching football games, cricket, rugby, tennis, judo, basketball, you name it. Rugby was the one I didn't like going to, seeing you precious babe running with the ball with a lad twice his size giving chase is not a fond memory for me. Now I'm doing alot of it again with grandchildren as the parents are working. I think I should have been a sports coach, shame I have no hand eye co-ordination or I could have been a contender:rotfl:

mumps

duchy wrote: »

Because she and the OP want her home for the kids
What is this obsession that all women should have a job ?
If a couple decide that one parent stays home as it's better for the children (housework is done to free more time up for family time, if kids are ill they can be picked up straight away instead of with a delay, parent can volunteer at the school , school holidays the kids don't get farmed out and Mum and kids can have days out too as well and not just restricted to parent's annual leave etc etc and are fortunate enough to be able to afford to do so - then why not.

I do think there can be an element of jealousy from parents who can't afford to SAH sometimes.

To me choosing to stay home can be as liberating a decision as accepting a place on the board. Liberation is about having the right and ability to choose - We can't all afford that choice - but if you can *and you want it* then do it.

But it doesn't seem liberating for her does it? Twelve hours a day of what has been called drudge and it still isn't done.