Another financial compatiability disaster!

Gigervamp

If you're living together, you're not single. You're a cohabiting couple.

mazy_m

FBaby wrote: »

And that should be the end of the discussion as to whether what you are doing is right or wrong. OH and I do many things that are deemed unconventional in our marriage which many people would judge as not right. What makes it right though is that we are both happy with it. If one wasn't, then it wouldn't be right for us any longer. Finance-wise, we are not as divided as you are, but much more than the 'average' couple. We have separate accounts, have worked out our bills so that we are left with the same disposable income, but in the end, it is HIS money and MY money. We have never talked about 'lending' each other money, we don't normally ask, but if one needed money for something personal, then it would be given, not lent. However, if you are both happy with this concept, it's not an issue.


That's where your problem is though. You can't get him on the same page as you. Firstly, because he doesn't seem to agree with you on it. He might agree on the overall concept, but not on how it impacts on him and you on an every day basis. Secondly, you can never make someone do something. You can encourage, you can hope, but you can't force or it because a controlling relationship. That means that in your case, by investing together, you are accepting that you are taking a risk. Maybe your encouragements will work and he will become more money savvy as you would wish, but maybe not. You have to accept that might be the case and consider how you would deal with this if it happened.

I completely see what you mean. The lending thing is usually oh we're going to have to pay that bill for the vet ( for example) on something we've decided. Then I'll be like it's ok I'll put what I can on this 0% card here and we'll sort it out later. Then he says so put half of that into the future pot.


I think again and maybe I didn't make this clear and that's what's causing all the confusion. He would feel bad if I just paid for it as he would feel he hadn't contributed. So that's why we keep the running total. He wants to know that we've contributed the same so it's fair just as much as me we've both seen people being taken advantage of and agreed we'd do everything 50/50 from the onset.

mazy_m

Gigervamp wrote: »

If you're living together, you're not single. You're a cohabiting couple.

Thanks I think that's technically what I meant!


We're down completely as what we are for mortgage purposes!

Person_one

mazy_m wrote: »

Neither of us a money minded so financial legal implications are not important to us. The next of kin thing was as I said to him years ago if something happened to you how could I not be there with you or vice versa. Him and my mum are the two people I'd need to be with me first and foremost!

Your attitude about this would have me really worried about you if you were my friend in real life. When the s*** hits the fan how you feel won't matter one bit, only the law will matter.

In-laws who have been like family, who have loved each other and thought they were on the same page have practically come to blows, have fought each other through the courts and have torn extended families apart when they disagreed on decisions about critically loved ones. Just google for examples, nobody is immune to that possibility however much you all love each other.

Financially, did you know that if you were legally married and one of you died there would be no inheritance tax payable. As an unmarried couple, even with a well written will you don't get this benefit. If you don't write wills, the situation can get really messy really fast if one of you dies.

Did you read the link I posted earlier about the differences between cohabitation and marriage? I have absolutely no problem at all with people choosing not to be legally married if that's what they've decided is right for them and they know all the implications and complications. Choosing to stay wilfully ignorant about the differences is something I just can't comprehend.

mazy_m

LannieDuck wrote: »

You are being taken advantage of. Despite your very best efforts, you're getting screwed over by a guy who is appalling with money. He has debts that, according to you, he can easily take care of. Instead of doing so, he's continuing to spend his money as and when he feels like it. Which would be fine, except that his lifestyle is being subsidised by you.

That would also be fine (if you choose to give someone £1500/yr it's up to you!)... except that you're trying to be frugal in order to achieve common goals. It's completely unfair of him to spend your money when you're trying to cut back.



I think the problem is that there are no consequences for him. You keep bailing him out. To the tune of £11,000!

Where are the consequences, like him not being able to go on holiday with you because he can't afford it? Or not being able to pay his next month's cable subscription because his spare money's gone on servicing the debt?

What will motivate him to change if you always sort it his money problems?



Why did you do that? Again, no consequences. He's got himself (and you) into this mess. He needs to be the one to sort it out.

At least set up an automatic payment to reclaim that money from his paypacket the day after payday.


....ultimately you either need to:

i) share your money and accept that you're going to be making financial sacrifices in life because he can't control his spending (or won't - is his overspending really as naive as you hope it is?)
ii) or you keep your money separate and get frustrated every month as you keep bailing him out... (which seems to me to be a quick way to kill a relationship)
iii) or you keep your money separate and stop bailing him out

Thanks so much for your message. You're right I did just bail him out of that again in that instance. This was because I just didn't want to chance it. However he sorted it I'm embarrassed to tell you he asked his mum to put that £100 in his account. :eek: I do think however that he has learned a lesson here that it could have royally messed things up and also seeing his noddle and that actually it was pretty spot on but that's just til July so far. So he has been trying.


I've never felt used or taken advantage of by him- but this is because of the 50/50 thing we do I know one day it'll be equal and that's what counts it's the intention. He's a good person too and isn't quick to make a promise without intending to keep it. Which is why it really annoyed me he'd done that this month as he promised he wouldn't! He is just appalling with money but at least he is taking strides to do something I just didn't see it til I saw the noddle account.

theoretica

I suspect that you are suffering from big purchase jitters a bit and it is not so much financial compatability that is the true issue as being thoughtless about something which really matters to you.

gettingtheresometime

mazy_m wrote: »

I've never felt used or taken advantage of by him- but this is because of the 50/50 thing we do I know one day it'll be equal and that's what counts it's the intention. He's a good person too and isn't quick to make a promise without intending to keep it. Which is why it really annoyed me he'd done that this month as he promised he wouldn't! He is just appalling with money but at least he is taking strides to do something I just didn't see it til I saw the noddle account.

But when you're married you don't keep a running total - or at least we don't!

We've got separate accounts but that doesn't mean either of us are taking advantage of the other....as an example the money that paid for our holiday came out of hubby's account but I've paid for the kennels & train tickets - does that mean I've taken advantage of hubby?

As said before you consider yourself married right up to the point you start talking about finances and then you become 2 single people living together and that's what confusing the situation.

mazy_m

theoretica wrote: »

I suspect that you are suffering from big purchase jitters a bit and it is not so much financial compatability that is the true issue as being thoughtless about something which really matters to you.

I think you've hit the nail on the head for sure.


I am apprehensive about such a bit purchase but more so I just want to move away from here to there it does mean so much to us both.


Again you're so right I think I did feel like he was being thoughtless about the one thing in years I've been really looking forward to and we've been talking about for so long!

mazy_m

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

But when you're married you don't keep a running total - or at least we don't!

We've got separate accounts but that doesn't mean either of us are taking advantage of the other....as an example the money that paid for our holiday came out of hubby's account but I've paid for the kennels & train tickets - does that mean I've taken advantage of hubby?

As said before you consider yourself married right up to the point you start talking about finances and then you become 2 single people living together and that's what confusing the situation.

I see what you're saying and up until the other day that was working for us fine and I was and to be honest am still happy to do that. It suits us that I pay a bit more at the moment and until the debts are paid off. I just don't like feeling like I'm alone in that and the other day I did. I felt like he was just sitting back and letting me sort it all out when it was the first time I'd asked him to actually think about how this would have an impact on both of us.


It's very interesting to see the different ways in which people do things and we shall continue to do things the way we have or the past 8 years we've been living together.


I'm not worried about him budgeting for mortgage payments every month as he's never let me down with paying towards the rent and bills etc ever. Just on checking his bloody bank account and being aware of what's happening on it!


Thanks again for all the input everyone!!:D

enthusiasticsaver

I am not really sure what the issue is here. You are obviously concerned that your OH does not always know what is in his account (he is not unique in that respect) and that he is disorganised with finances whereas you are more switched on. I think this situation is quite common. My husband is fairly disorganised and lazy with finances. He is not interested in shopping around for better deals, he is not fanatical about budgeting, saving or paying bills on due dates and we learnt that very early on in our relationship. However he is brilliant at DIY and very exacting whereas I rush to get the job done so after getting married we pooled our finances and had a joint account and I do the budgeting and bill paying and once every 6 months we sit down and I run through it all with him in case I get run over by a bus. He knows our services are paid by direct debit, as is our credit card bill these days and we both have the same fixed amount every month for personal spends.


I would advise you to do the same as whether you are married or not you are considering making a very large financial commitment together by buying a house and if you are compatible in every other way and love each other does it really matter he is clueless where it comes to finances? He will learn over time as my OH has. Open a joint account and agree on a personal amount for you both to have every month and address the paying off of his debts at the same time. It will lead to less friction and the credit record should stay clean which is surely the objective.