Another financial compatiability disaster!

pollypenny

I don't imagine any pair whose ideas of money and spending differ so widely could work in a marriage.

I'm not talking about the odd treat book, jumper or meal with mates, but thousands suggests 'treats' have become the norm.

You have to have trust.

missbiggles1

Gigervamp wrote: »

I'm wondering if the *wedding* was a handfasting-ie, a pagan wedding.

Seems so - complete with favours and sweetie trolley.

mazy_m

easilydistracted wrote: »

Surely there's a happy medium between buying a house with someone and splitting up? Buy the house yourself. This will also give him a very stark lesson in the realities of financial responsibility.

On the flip side, you do sound like you are acting like his Mum. Does he want to buy a house and is he mature enough to do so? Sounds like he's not. You are not going to get the 11K back. Was he as enthusiastic as you about paying all the money for your pets vet bills and everything else? Not trying to be funny, I would do the same for my cat but it's not universal. You really need to re-evaluate your relationship spending patterns on both sides for this to work long term.

Hi yes I've spoken to the broker and asked if it's possible to change it to my name mostly because that way if he is to get over limit things put onto his account this month then it's better doing it in my name anyway.


In regards to all the things he was on board paying them like me for our babies he'd pay anything. He doesn't dispute any of the money etc or didn't agree to spending it. It's just that the one month I've asked him to be careful he messes up.


I've no idea where it came across that I'm unforgiving as that's not true at all. I've forgiven all this for years in fact it hasn't bothered me as much as this until now as I'm just now at the point where I've gone along with the way he is all these years but he promised he wouldn't do this while we were buying a house and his not thinking has got me so stressed! He's 100% on board with all the stuff and the trips were even his suggestion.


I think maybe because I needed somewhere to vent it could have come across like that but I am a very forgiving person.


I really don't think we're doomed. I think it's about re-educating him in this. I agree we both need to work on our spending habits I've still got stuff to learn as well but my spontaneous decision to buy a rug doesn't descend into chaos like his refusal to check his bank account. I:rotfl: always know exactly what is in there and what's coming out and when.


I think now I've calmed down and paid all the over limit things and sent messages asking the bank to please levy the charge for this month and because it's the first time he's ever asked they'll hopefully agree I do feel much better now and no longer feel like throwing his clothes into the hallway.:beer:


I'm glad he's away it's given me time to calm down and think but I do think he needs to try more and I don't think that's unforgiving or selfish of me to expect this. Is it?

balletshoes

mazy_m wrote: »

I'm glad he's away it's given me time to calm down and think but I do think he needs to try more and I don't think that's unforgiving or selfish of me to expect this. Is it?

no its not - but what you expect and what he does, are not the same thing, and you can't build a life on expectations. In the situation you're in, going forward, his actions are what counts, not his words.

mazy_m

duchy wrote: »

So you paid for a wedding ceremony but not a legal one ?

Obvious question - Is there a legal impediment or some other reason. It sounds bonkers. Either you aren't free to marry legally (one or both of you) or one doesn't want to and a sham compromise ceremony was the solution and may indicate deeper issues.

You describe yourself as married yet actively avoided becoming so legally -was this a ploy on your part to protect yourself financially ?

I'm actually shocked by some of the comments on here. Why does not having the legal bit have to be for some negative reason? Not everyone that is in a committed loving relationship wants to have the legal bit done and out of the way first.


Yes we had a hand fasting ceremony it was beautiful with all our friends and family involved and they were the ones that conducted the ceremony.


At the time I had rang up to book the local registrar to do the legal bit to make it official but they implicitly told me I couldn't have any of the element of the hand fasting I wanted as it was deemed as religious. They were also incredibly rude and told me that I "had" to do it their way or not get married. So I told them in fact I don't have to do it with you at all and we decided that we'd have that one then a year later we'd do the legal bit as it meant that a few family members and friends that were unable to travel to the first one could come along too. So that was to be this year but we decided instead of spending the money on that we should use it towards a deposit for a house so we could start our future and we discussed getting the legal bit done just before or after we moved into the house.


For us the hand fasting was the wedding the legal bit is just that. It's nothing to do with protecting myself financially if I was doing that I would have left him years ago.

mazy_m

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Seems so - complete with favours and sweetie trolley.

What relevance is this to what we're talking about can I ask?

mazy_m

pollypenny wrote: »

I don't imagine any pair whose ideas of money and spending differ so widely could work in a marriage.

I'm not talking about the odd treat book, jumper or meal with mates, but thousands suggests 'treats' have become the norm.

You have to have trust.

Actually I think you'll find the treats you talk of there are £4,500 vets fees more actually if I were to add loads of other bits which I just paid for.


A wedding and honeymoon ( which took place prior to the wedding) car ( needed for work so certainly not a treat) then a trip to see his dad in Spain. Fees so far for buying a house and then the rest is paying off a different credit card for him so it was at 0%.


We're not disputing the affordability of anything here. The issue is that he is not budgeting his money properly and paying things late which have an impact. I don't know how many more times I need to say the £11,000 is irrelevant to my annoyance with him. My annoyance lies in the fact I asked him to look at his bank account every day and to be organised and he hasn't for whatever reason.


I only spoke of the £11,000 as I was a bit out of order for throwing it in his face which I don't usually do but I was so annoyed at him.

Person_one

mazy_m wrote: »

What relevance is this to what we're talking about can I ask?

I think that poster is making a point about you spending a fair amount of money on what essentially was just a party, when your partner was in a substantial amount of debt already.

I'll be honest, neither of you is sounding particularly great here! Your partner has put his head in the sand and ignored his financial problems and responsibilities, true. However you see yourself as being good with money but haven't really managed the finances brilliantly either, and you seem to be sticking doggedly to a 50/50 split on everything when it might be better to look at this from a 'household' perspective to get things sorted once and for all.

Both of you have made mistakes, neither of you are completely right or completely wrong. If you're going to have a future together and one that isn't full of debt and conflict/stress over money then you need to sit down for an afternoon with every piece of paper from every account in front of you and come up with a plan together for how both of you will sort things out and how you will move forward together, as a team.

mazy_m

rachy182 wrote: »

He has to do that himself hes a grown man and you arent his mother. he will never learn if you do everything for him even if hes crap at it be, there for support for he has to have the drive to do it.

Please dont call yourself married because you aren't. you might of had a fancy party and holiday but you aren't married you didnt sign those papers to commit to each other. It is a huge commitment where you both become a unit and everything is shared including financially.
I dont know why you decide to have a expensive party, holidays ( sounds like more than one including one abroad) and buy a house when your partner is in debt especially the wedding, which didnt actually mean anything. When someone is bad with money instead of expecting them to pay you back, you save before you commit to buying anything. If the funds arent there then you dont do it because deep down they dont want it enough. You cant make people do something they dont want to do and until they have a wake up call then it will always be an uphill struggle.

You know what I wasn't even going to respond to you but I'll forgive you naivety and enlighten you.


I completely agree with the first part and that's what I'm tired of having to act like his mother. If I'm not there to "check" on him he won't do it. It's not because he doesn't want to but because he's got such a lack of confidence in things sometimes. No matter how many times I've tried to get him to do things and build him up. That's the reason it's so bad now as I've left it until now so as not to make him feel crap about himself!


How dare you tell me I'm not to call myself married. I think you'll find that historically and in Scotland today you can have a legal hand fasting. To me and to him we are married, we do share everything jointly and are fully committed. We don't need a legal document to prove that. If we choose to we'll do it when we want to. We also don't need to do it the way that some people decide is the right way to do it. I know people who have done it the "right way" and they've go off and completely !!!!ed all over their vows. Whereas the people I know that have done it a similar way are the most committed people I know. I'm not saying one way is right or wrong but having that piece of paper doesn't give you any more of a relationship than not having it. That's utter !!!!!!!!! It wasn't a big fancy party or expensive trips abroad so please don't presume to know me or us. Part of the problem is I didn't know as he dug his head in the sand and I only found about some of his debt later on.

mazy_m

balletshoes wrote: »

no its not - but what you expect and what he does, are not the same thing, and you can't build a life on expectations. In the situation you're in, going forward, his actions are what counts, not his words.

Thank you this is what I've been trying to explain to him. I need to see you trying. At least trying and don't be ashamed to ask for help. I did. I couldn't do it alone. I really struggled. I was an awful hoarder and shopaholic. I have to reign it in so much but I did it and got myself out of debt and set myself realistic limits and budgets.


If he tries and fails then we can work together harder to sort it. I just want to see him attempting it and not burying his head in the sand hoping the problem just goes away.