Another financial compatiability disaster!

mazy_m

Person_one wrote: »

The thing about the 50/50 split is that you are insistent that you see yourself as married, fully committed, a unit etc. Well, most couples who feel that way don't stick to a 50/50 split on everything all the time, they tend to see things as 'ours' and the idea of owing each other money within a marriage would be alien. Its a contradiction, as well as being an inefficient and rather cold way of managing finances in a (hopefully) lifelong relationship.

I think that's a very generic statement to say. Most couples you may know maybe. Many couples I know don't deal with finances this way at all. They do it the same way as us. I'm not sure I need to point out that right now it's clearly not 50/50 is it as I've saved the deposit for the house and it was a decision to do that rather than pay off the debts which were no where near as high at the time. I don't believe it's a contradiction at all. People do things a different way that's life. It's not a cold way of managing it at all either. Just because you may choose to do it a different way that's up to you. I wouldn't say you were cold for doing so.

Person_one

What sort of help and advice are you looking for now OP?

mazy_m

rachy182 wrote: »

Me and i assume other people judging by some posts thought it was strange that you've had a wedding without doing the legal bit. Ive never known anyone who has done that. Most people i know who aren't legally married but describe themselves as virtually married but without the paper eg living together for years, kids don't bother having any sort of ceremony or party nor do they call themselves husband and wife its partner or other half. However i think this is mainly to save on money as they would rather see the thousands spent on starting a family and a house deposit. Surprisingly they never think about getting a cheap registry office ceremony.It seemed a bit silly to me to have a wedding without the legal bit considering the expense when your partner has money troubles even if i was inexpensive compared to some weddings and to have a long trip to Europe is defiantly dearer than a week in skeggy.

Im pretty sure there are some people who also dont get married to protect assets especially if the other person has none. Personally i wouldn't blame you because sometimes while you love someone you arent ignorant to their flaws and need to protect yourself if the worst happens. Please dont sign any legal documents till you get this sorted or start a family. On this board there are so many people who dont talk about fiances before they get married, move in together or have kids and the problem gets worse over the years and i dont want you to come back in two years time married and with a baby and nothing has changed.

You might not like it but society does have some labels for relationships. Each label means something different to everyone but people tend to know what they mean and how serious the relationship is. For example boyfriend seems very causal, partner and wife is a lot more committed. Despite talking about the future with my boyfriend and saying we would like to get married and have kids i will not let him call me anything like fiance or wife because he hasn't shown that level of commitment to me yet.

Sorry for the long post

It's ok you don't have to apologise for the long post. Have you seen the essays I've written on here?


I do see what you mean about that but people should not judge anyone else's relationship based on their circumstance.


I know it's unsual but to us it was the right thing to do. Don't get me wrong we were all for doing the legal part but that bit wasn't the most important to us and the way the registrar acted just fuelled my hatred for the way some things are made to be certain ways.


I think that's great that you stand by asking him not to call you that until he's shown you commitment. I was pretty much the same. I didn't want to get married and then I met him and started to think about it and he was showing how committed he was etc.


I wholeheartedly agree with you about not doing the legal bit or having children until we've figured out a solution for this as I need major security before I even think about having children. We realised we were ready to be parents a few years ago but wanted the security of a house etc which is why with things so close and pretty much all to plan ( even in spite of the debts ) for him to just dismiss what I've asked him to do is so hurtful.


I know it's him not thinking as usually I sort any issue out so he doesn't really need to worry about sorting any of the major things out but if he just switched heads with me for one minute he'd see the stress that's causing me. I was fine ( just overtly worried) until this happened and then he'd also just be able to bog down and do it. I think rightly or wrongly he looks at his friends who have all brought houses etc and sees they didn't have to give anything up etc or didn't seem to make many if any sacrifices ( which I bet they did) as they were all lucky enough to get help from family with money etc but we're not in that position and won't be but I think he just things oh It'll all be fine somehow it usually is. ( Yes because I have to ring about a million people to sort it out!) :rotfl:

Mojisola

mazy_m wrote: »

At the time I had rang up to book the local registrar to do the legal bit to make it official but they implicitly told me I couldn't have any of the element of the hand fasting I wanted as it was deemed as religious.

They were also incredibly rude and told me that I "had" to do it their way or not get married.

The registrar has to comply with the law which says that a civil ceremony can't have any religious elements.

You could have done what other people do and go through the civil ceremony at another time - the day before or the morning of the hand-fasting.

You can think that you are married as much as you like but you aren't legally married and so aren't each other's next-of-kin, won't automatically inherit from each other, etc.

mazy_m

Person_one wrote: »

What sort of help and advice are you looking for now OP?

Thanks for moving it on positively Person_one.


New OP


How can I give him a gentle kick up the bum to get it into gear financially?


Doesn't sound right?

Any tips on getting him on the same page moneysaving wise as me and bucking down to pay off his debts on time.


Going forward from here I do accept his differences and love him for being different to me. Believe it or not he does relax me often from being grrrrrr all the time!


But I will have to take the control over all the finances for a while so he can get his paid off without incurring anymore charges or late fees.


October is an expensive month as it is we've three weddings to attend. Luckily all different so we can wear the same outfits. MS or what?:rotfl:

missbiggles1

mazy_m wrote: »

Yes and there's a way in which to do it. Actually to all our friends and family we are married and due to our living together I think legally to an extent. I don't really know why I'm responding to this apart from this month and this issue or him not actually just checking his bank I don't have a major issue with him. We both know how much we love each other and how important and serious our relationship is. We both know that 9 years together isn't for nothing and we've grown up together in those years. It's a shame that I've just grown up a bit quicker in terms of money finances than him. But then he's grown up more in terms of looking after his health.


The thing is some of the things being brought up are irrelevant to my original post so how it that helpful or beneficial?

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate at the thoughts and advice and it's interesting to see other people's perspective especially when people think differently. However I wouldn't bring irrelevant things into it as it's useless.

If you're thinking of "common law marriage", then that has no legal standing either, I'm afraid.

Cross posted, sorry. (Although still a point worth making.)

mazy_m

missbiggles1 wrote: »

If you're thinking of "common law marriage", then that has no legal standing either, I'm afraid.

Cross posted, sorry. (Although still a point worth making.)

Guys I'm well aware of this or I wouldn't have put married not legally. I know the legal implications of not being legally married. It just isn't an issue to us. I probably should have written " Had a commitment ceremony which to us is more important that a legal wedding ceremony." It was just to show our relationship status.


Next of kin not an issue we changed when we moved down here. No legal inheritance issues things needed as of yet. Hence why we were going to do it just before or after moving in to the new place. If the sale went ahead with us both as we are joint tenants I'm not sure it would even be needed.

Kim_kim

I only read the first page, so apologies if it's moved on.

Op - you sound like his mum. I don't mean that disrespectfully to you, he's not acting like a equal adult & he's forcing you into that role.
You say you've seen friends save for years & get screwed over financially, you've given him 11k, you won't see that again.
My guess is you won't split up over this, but stay together with fundamentally different attitudes to money & responsibilities. He won't change, you'll always have to be the parent, you may be ok & he may muck up both your financial security further down the line.

gettingtheresometime

I don't get this.

If you are both committed to each other, love each other and consider to be married (even though you aren't) why does he owe you £11K?

tbh I think that's the crux of the problem.....you see that he owes you money but every married couple I know consider their funds to be shared, even if held in a sole name.

Pixie5740

Getting him to check his bank balance every day is not budgeting or financial planning. You both need to sit down and work out a household budget that works for the pair of you and then stick to it.

Expecting him to pay for 50% of big ticket items when he is in a substantial amount of debt was foolhardy. As is linking your finances through a joint mortgage. In all honesty I think you should withdraw from the house purchase until you are both on the same page financially. Demonstrate to him that there are consequences of not managing his finances. I sure as hell would not get a joint current account never mind a joint mortgage with someone I cannot trust financially.