Another financial compatiability disaster!

mazy_m

Hi all,


So I'm not sure if this a vent or to see if I'm over reacting?


Background we've been together 9 years and married ( not legally however that's irrelevant to us will just do that bit when we need to!)nearly 2 of those years.


At times he's the kindest most considerate man I could ask for, very supportive of anything I do and especially with me being pretty ill the past few years of our relationship which much be hard on him- polar opposite of my ex who used to criticise me for everything.


However the more I become moneysaving and sensible with my money etc the more I see how much we do not work in this area.


Effectively he owes me £11,000 but that includes so much stuff we've done over the years including fees paying £4,500 to get our gorgeous cat better ( insurance hadn't kicked in but he's worth every penny and more! I'd forgo nights at the pub and holidays forever for him!) Plus we just took it out of the wedding budget so we were lucky we could at the time. So yeah also paid for a lovely wedding, nearly 4 week trip to Europe which wasn't cheap at all and then a few more holidays, bits and pieces etc oh and car. The last bit being fees so far for the house we are buying.


However the other day our application was nearly declined because he had gone over his OD on one of the months of statements we needed to show and our broker informed us this was an automatic decline. I ranted and told him if we're going forward with this you have to promise me you're going to be sensible and check your bank everyday and we'll work together to reduce any debt you have etc etc. This was prior to any fees being paid. So luckily we got accepted for our mortgage, got our survey done just waiting to see what that says.


When we sat down to look at his budgets and work off paying his debt in the best way ( the least money to the banks as possible) I noticed he had gone OD yet again on his account ( over the authorised limit) and went mad at him. But upon further investigation it's not just one, or two but three things he's gone OD on this month for stupid reasons. I told him before just let me know and I'll transfer some money in to cover it till payday as it makes more sense than getting this on your credit file! His excuse I didn't think I thought once the mortgage was accepted it didn't matter. I'm in disbelief he can be so stupid! This potentially could cause everything to fall through. He doesn't seen the severity in it. It's irrelevant if we're lucky enough for it not to do that but the fact remains he assured me that wouldn't put me through it again as it stressed me out so much that one statement and then less than a week later just though his lack of though and carefree attitude he does it again.


He's gone away to see his dad this week which is lucky as I was so close to throwing him out and telling him to never come back. I even started getting his clothes out of drawers and throwing them into the hallway- which is a point I've never got to before.


I do love him and want to move into this lovely new house with him and we'll be so much better off financially making this move, we'll free up so much income every month not living in London and paying the crazy rents etc here so I can see this being a really positive thing all round. I also think it will make him better and more thoughtful with money owning a house.


But and it's a huge but I'm seriously considering telling him I'm done if the mortgage is now declined because of this. I just don't think I'll be able to forgive him for tearing apart my dream and our hope of a better future because he's so bad with money and couldn't do the simple things to not get himself into that situation which is easily avoided!


I'm not so worried about buying a house with him as like I said we're lucky to be in a good position for buying and it's easily affordable for us and I have accounted for all eventualities.


If anyone has kindly read this essay to the end please let me know if you think I am overreacting? I know I'm justified in what I'm feeling as I feel it and I don't need to apologise for feeling let down and hurt by him but I'm so angry and disappointed in him and he doesn't even seem to feel that bad about it. But if I'm truly honest he's not very good with confrontation and isn't assertive in the slightest!

Person_one

First of all, if you're not married legally, you aren't married. However that's probably a good thing for now until you're on the same page with the finances.

I don't really understand the issues in your post I'm afraid. He 'owes' you 11K but in that are what are surely joint/household expenses such as vet bills and moving costs.

How do you arrange your finances between the two of you?

If you've got a joint mortgage application going through and he's gone over his approved OD limit, there's a real chance that you may lose the mortgage offer if they credit check you both again before completion. Talk to your broker ASAP about this issue, don't exchange contracts until you know whether this will be an issue or you could be in huge trouble, committed to buying a house but with no mortgage funds to pay for it.

mazy_m

Hi person_one thanks for your reply.


We split everything 50/50 as we've always had jobs that paid pretty much the same. It's just easier that I pay for all the bills etc so that they get paid on time and don't incur fees or defaults etc.


The reason he effectively owes me that much is all that stuff would have come to around £22,000 and I paid it all so I said you focus on paying your debts first then you can pay me back bit by bit when you get a better paying job. This isn't an issue until I did get a bit annoyed at him today and did throw it in his face a little. I've sacrificed a lot for many years to pay off all that and to save the deposit we need for the mortgage and fees. But I didn't mind as it was for our future and I knew that it would all even itself out eventually. He's on a good career path whereas my money is never really going to increase.


I've very concerned about this and said to my broker yesterday but they told me to calm down and that it was now subject to the valuation so to stop worrying. ( I am a bit of a worrier and it gets worse in situations like this). I'm actually feeling like being sick from fretting about this!


I apologise I'm rambling and probably not making much sense. I'm just so upset that he doesn't understand how imperative it is at the moment and it's not me being overcautious!

Person_one

mazy_m wrote: »

I've very concerned about this and said to my broker yesterday but they told me to calm down and that it was now subject to the valuation so to stop worrying. ( I am a bit of a worrier and it gets worse in situations like this). I'm actually feeling like being sick from fretting about this!

I'm not sure your broker understood what you were telling them! They probably think you're worried about the credit check that's already been done and that you've passed. What you need to be worried about is if the lender does another credit check before releasing the funds. Your partner's credit record has changed for the worse since the application went in. Mortgage lenders are a lot less cavalier about these things than they used to be and you are absolutely right to be concerned as this could potentially ruin you.

I would suggest posting on the 'Mortgages and Endowments' board. There are some experienced brokers on there who can offer more specialist advice.

As for the relationship side, was it reasonable to expect him to pay 50/50 for everything with the amount of debt he had? Was it even possible or has he got into even more trouble trying to do so when it wasn't feasible?

To be honest, if you have any doubts at all about wanting to stay in the relationship I would probably pull out of the joint house purchase anyway and work out the relationship issues first. Counselling may be valuable, and certainly there'll have to be a long, frank talk about finances.

ali-t

I totally understand why you are angry and think you are justified. This is about trust and respect and not just budgeting.

PuzzledDave

Buying a house and actually marrying you are unsure if you want to stay together ? Honestly sounds like a total disaster in the making.

I think you need to reconsider this debt of his to you. I understand how it started, but think on it - £11,000 is a hell of an amount to pay back to you especially with the heavy debts to other lenders, can he pay it back AND pay half for all the future trips/events/items you also want ? Holding this tally isn't good for for the long term. If you became a stay at home mother, would you object to him counting in the same way ?

I understand your frustration at his failure to keep a good balance sheet, it's clearly something you do far better than him. Rather than berate him over and again over this, perhaps you could help him further and take over the whole budgeting ? Whilst I am sure there are those that are screaming 'CONTROLLING !!?!!!' but it needs to be done and done well for a household to prosper, it seems of your partnership you are the best person for the job. As long as he has enough in the budget for work expenses and some 'fun' money to spend as he chooses - then that should be enough. You can then budget to help him pay off the 'external' debts and save for mutual and agreed goals.

mazy_m

I've twice now written long replies and my computer is going nuts!!Must be picking up on my energy!


Thanks for the replies again! ali-t I think you've hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what it is. We've always had to compromise financially and he's 33 years old he can pay a fair share of his way. I'm not here to subsidise him. The reason he's in the mess he's in is because he has allowed himself to pay late and his APR goes up for that reason, he then forgets to pay things so doesn't have good 0% deals available to him. He then fritters things away and is shocked but how so little can mount up. I've been there. I learned the hard way but I grew up, took control and did it. He actually get's paid about £200 a month more that I do so technically that's his extra "fun" money and no I wouldn't hold it against him if he still expected me to pay 50/50 but I wouldn't be a SAHM anyway. But that's the reason we work out what's fair so that when I do have to work less hours ( luckily the job I do is great for having kids anyway! it would just mean a few hours a week less) is because we know he'll then be effectively "paying me back" that money by adding more to the household fund then we split it after.


Technically he could have this paid back in much less than a year if he was sensible about this. I've also paid off some one his debt on one of my 0% credit cards but told him I'm not doing that again. The reason I found out about all of this is because yesterday when I found out about the first OD I told him I was taking control until he sorted himself out. We'd done that once before and he was pretty much out of debt just a couple of months to go then he took back control and kept quiet about all the fees that he's paid and how his rates have gone up as he kept missing payments.


It's not about affordability really if it were we'd look more at a different solution and different split ( I hope that doesn't come across as being ungrateful we're lucky to have good jobs and we've worked hard and our way up and really struggled at times) it's about managing money properly and that's why I'm so annoyed. This is for both of us for our future why isn't he thinking like that?


I should also say he's well aware that I do not expect that £11,000 anytime soon. He knows that when he's back on his feet that's when I was going to suggest making payments so he's never been made to feel panicked about this money. In truth I don't see it as my money but ours that's been saved as let's be honest that's going to go on the house and cats and any future kids!

ali-t

It sounds like he needs a bit of a fright about what he might potentially lose. For as long as he is getting bailed out and there are no real consequences for him he is unlikely to change his behaviour. My partner wasnt good with money when we met but is now much better and sees there are wider consequences than his credit status. Good luck with the journey, you need to decide whether your dreams are movable or if its time to move on from him.

pinkshoes

You need to speak to your mortgage broker, as these subsequent financial 'blips' could now cost you your mortgage.

Does your OH actually want to buy this property, or is it just you?? to me it sounds like he either doesnt want to buy it, or he is incredibly stupid snd financially unwise.

Either way, I suggest if this relationsihp is going to work, you take a tighter rein on your joint finances which he needs to accept, otherwise it just isnt going to work.

I would write off the £11k too. It isn't going to happen.

balletshoes

that 11k is already gone, its not going to be savings, realistically. Sorry. You're going to have realise that, and also realise that, based on his history while he's been with you, your OH is very unlikely to turn the corner and be the same kind of money manager that you are, ever.
I'm talking from experience here - if you get the mortgage and you can run the house and all the bills on your income alone, it may be doable. If the thought of that stresses you out, don't do it.

VfM4meplse

OP: none your OH's good points will offset the bad taste that this debt is leaving in your mouth. You'll always put this first.

Unless you can learn to genuinely forgive and forget, your relationship is doomed. Perhaps it's a good job you're not legally conjoined.