Another financial compatiability disaster!

duchy

If you were legally and genuinely married then you'd have formed a legal contract saying "what is yours is mine"

If you were actually married rather than co-habiting and seperated a divorce of a marriage of more than five years wouldn't recognise this "debt" but would regard the combined assets of the marriage as joint. It wouldn't matter if your husband had contributed 10 percent of the marital income and you 90 percent -you'd still be looking at a starting point of a fifty fifty spit so whilst you have the supposed debt between you then you shouldn't be marrying legally as it clearly matters to you.

Personally I don't get it-if you are living together and both regard yourself as husband and wife then why does it matter who pays for what - you are a couple not flatsharing buddies.

Reading your post it is I..have saved....I-have made sacrifices.......there's very little We . Are you saying all the financial effort and sacrifice is on your part only and if so why have you allowed this to happen in a partnership of nine years ?

I don't think you need to vent on a internet board I think you need to be asking yourself why your boyfriend didn't feel he could come to you to discuss that he was at the top of his OD- so you could sort it out together- especially with a mortgage application in the offing.

You shouldn't be buying a house together or thinking of marriage and the legal contract that creates until you understand how and why you are in this position.

ali-t

duchy wrote: »

I don't think you need to vent on a internet board I think you need to be asking yourself why your boyfriend didn't feel he could come to you to discuss that he was at the top of his OD- so you could sort it out together- especially with a mortgage application in the offing.
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I think this is a good point but i have a feeling that if its anything like my partner was he just wouldnt have thought about it. It wont be malicious and he wont have thought of the consequences. Previously he lived week to week on his wage, if he was short of money he didnt pay bills, had no pension or insurance in place for anything and just didnt think about the long term. This was totally incompatible with my life plans (owned house, had long term plans and dont plan a retirement eating smart price beans) so in order to have a long term future we had to make changes. Its early days but im pretty sure we can make it through.

OP, you need a heart to heart with him to see if your dreams are compatible and what changes you both need to make to make it work or go your seperate ways.

mazy_m

HI all,


Thanks again for your replies.


I think the main thing is here. Yes we are in a loving, committed relationship but the way I do things is that we both pay our fair share. Therefore no one ever should feel they've been taken advantage of. If we have considerably different incomes that would be another matter but as it is the difference is £200 a month ( he is the slightly higher earner)
I've seen so many of my girlfriends save for years only for them to meet a guy who is appalling with money and then they get screwed over by them or resent them.


Therefore this is the reason we always say what's fair and like I said I don't expect it now or in the next couple of years but I can trust him pay his way fully once he's settled. This is the annoying thing as even with paying his share of the mortgage etc and having a bit of spending money I did a snowball and it could take him just 6 months if he was good to me that means not subscribing to stupid LFC tv and a linkd in thing for crazy amounts a month! It's things like this he does and effectively not checking as paying for the same insurance twice that are annoying. Prior to the mortgage application it was fine what he did to some extent I let him do things at his own pace but I didn't realise how bad he was with budgeting. These few months where it's so important now change things. He just needs to step up and think about what he's doing. I know he's not being malicious in any way, he hasn't got a malicious bone in his body and I know he isn't doing it on purpose.


It's just frustrating that he's not growing up and being savvy about things. Point being he should be on at least another 6k in work as he changes jobs but did he get this in writing. No. So of course his sneaky money grabbing company have to now see that it's viable before they can pay him more. Which wasn't what was agreed. If he just thought about things he wouldn't be in any of the tricky situations he is in now!


My main hope was that he could learn this himself but it's clear that I need to continue with sorting out his bank account for the foreseeable future. I didn't want to keep doing it as I felt like it was emasculating him. But now because of all his poor planning he can like it or lump it.


I know if I put my foot down and make him become sensible he'll be debt free in 8 months ( giving him two months extra and this still gives him disposable income to use!) I don't want to be his mother though.


We've sat down and had the heart to heart this move is what he wants too and he's really excited about it and making plans. I asked him why he didn't tell me. He said he just didn't think. He didn't think it would make a difference. He is literally just that financially stupid. So if I do take the reigns things will be fine but I just feel that I shouldn't have to do it. He should realise he needs to be financially responsible that he can't be bailed out and feel secure in the knowledge that I'm sorting it all the time. I want some security too especially with feeling ill. I want to know that if something were to happen to me that he'd be able to make sure we were ok but the way he is right now I can't trust that with him. If our finances were left to him we'd be out in the streets by now due to not paying rent on time. I really don't think I'm being selfish in asking him to be more financially astute. If he were living alone- he'd have to be.

COMPETITIONFANATIC

hate to sound negative but think your relationship is doomed , money is the number one reason for divorce and by your posts you sound unforgiving which is what marriage and love is suposed to be forgiving otherwise it dies , best advice I can give is if you get the mortgage application that u put a note on the mortage that says if you split you get to keep the house and will buy him out when you can afford to to protect yourself.

easilydistracted

Surely there's a happy medium between buying a house with someone and splitting up? Buy the house yourself. This solves the credit issue then its yours if you do split up. Buy one you can afford to maintain alone. I learned this the hard way buying with a very long term partner when things weren't right and promptly splitting up. I would have bought a cheaper house if I knew I was going to have to maintain it all. Although I later moved in with a new partner who is in a different area of the country I don't regret buying the house as it got me on the ladder, I was able to buy the ex out and it has also made a lot of money, though it was a lot of effort doing it up. Obviously you will need to get legal agreements to cover buying alone when your partner moves in and you can not expect him to contribute to a mortgage. This will also give him a very stark lesson in the realities of financial responsibility.

On the flip side, you do sound like you are acting like his Mum. Does he want to buy a house and is he mature enough to do so? Sounds like he's not. You are not going to get the 11K back. Was he as enthusiastic as you about paying all the money for your pets vet bills and everything else? Not trying to be funny, I would do the same for my cat but it's not universal. You really need to re-evaluate your relationship spending patterns on both sides for this to work long term.

missbiggles1

mazy_m wrote: »

Hi all,


So I'm not sure if this a vent or to see if I'm over reacting?


Background we've been together 9 years and married ( not legally however that's irrelevant to us will just do that bit when we need to!)nearly 2 of those years.


At times he's the kindest most considerate man I could ask for, very supportive of anything I do and especially with me being pretty ill the past few years of our relationship which much be hard on him- polar opposite of my ex who used to criticise me for everything.


However the more I become moneysaving and sensible with my money etc the more I see how much we do not work in this area.


Effectively he owes me £11,000 but that includes so much stuff we've done over the years including fees paying £4,500 to get our gorgeous cat better ( insurance hadn't kicked in but he's worth every penny and more! I'd forgo nights at the pub and holidays forever for him!) Plus we just took it out of the wedding budget so we were lucky we could at the time. So yeah also paid for a lovely wedding, nearly 4 week trip to Europe which wasn't cheap at all and then a few more holidays, bits and pieces etc oh and car. The last bit being fees so far for the house we are buying.


However the other day our application was nearly declined because he had gone over his OD on one of the months of statements we needed to show and our broker informed us this was an automatic decline. I ranted and told him if we're going forward with this you have to promise me you're going to be sensible and check your bank everyday and we'll work together to reduce any debt you have etc etc. This was prior to any fees being paid. So luckily we got accepted for our mortgage, got our survey done just waiting to see what that says.


When we sat down to look at his budgets and work off paying his debt in the best way ( the least money to the banks as possible) I noticed he had gone OD yet again on his account ( over the authorised limit) and went mad at him. But upon further investigation it's not just one, or two but three things he's gone OD on this month for stupid reasons. I told him before just let me know and I'll transfer some money in to cover it till payday as it makes more sense than getting this on your credit file! His excuse I didn't think I thought once the mortgage was accepted it didn't matter. I'm in disbelief he can be so stupid! This potentially could cause everything to fall through. He doesn't seen the severity in it. It's irrelevant if we're lucky enough for it not to do that but the fact remains he assured me that wouldn't put me through it again as it stressed me out so much that one statement and then less than a week later just though his lack of though and carefree attitude he does it again.


He's gone away to see his dad this week which is lucky as I was so close to throwing him out and telling him to never come back. I even started getting his clothes out of drawers and throwing them into the hallway- which is a point I've never got to before.


I do love him and want to move into this lovely new house with him and we'll be so much better off financially making this move, we'll free up so much income every month not living in London and paying the crazy rents etc here so I can see this being a really positive thing all round. I also think it will make him better and more thoughtful with money owning a house.


But and it's a huge but I'm seriously considering telling him I'm done if the mortgage is now declined because of this. I just don't think I'll be able to forgive him for tearing apart my dream and our hope of a better future because he's so bad with money and couldn't do the simple things to not get himself into that situation which is easily avoided!


I'm not so worried about buying a house with him as like I said we're lucky to be in a good position for buying and it's easily affordable for us and I have accounted for all eventualities.


If anyone has kindly read this essay to the end please let me know if you think I am overreacting? I know I'm justified in what I'm feeling as I feel it and I don't need to apologise for feeling let down and hurt by him but I'm so angry and disappointed in him and he doesn't even seem to feel that bad about it. But if I'm truly honest he's not very good with confrontation and isn't assertive in the slightest!

I'm confused - are you actually married or not?

Also, are you still planning that you might have to stop working when you move?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/69142354#Comment_69142354

Mojisola

mazy_m wrote: »

Background we've been together 9 years and married ( not legally however that's irrelevant to us will just do that bit when we need to!)nearly 2 of those years.

So yeah also paid for a lovely wedding, nearly 4 week trip to Europe which wasn't cheap at all

So you had a wedding and a honeymoon but aren't married?

It will be much easier to split up if you aren't married so best keep it that way unless you're able to resolve these different attitudes to money.

duchy

So you paid for a wedding ceremony but not a legal one ?

Obvious question - Is there a legal impediment or some other reason. It sounds bonkers. Either you aren't free to marry legally (one or both of you) or one doesn't want to and a sham compromise ceremony was the solution and may indicate deeper issues.

You describe yourself as married yet actively avoided becoming so legally -was this a ploy on your part to protect yourself financially ?

Gigervamp

I'm wondering if the *wedding* was a handfasting-ie, a pagan wedding.

rachy182

I agree with the most recent posters. I wouldn't buy a house with this guy at least until he gets his fiances in check. He has to do that himself hes a grown man and you arent his mother. he will never learn if you do everything for him even if hes crap at it be, there for support for he has to have the drive to do it.

Please dont call yourself married because you aren't. you might of had a fancy party and holiday but you aren't married you didnt sign those papers to commit to each other. It is a huge commitment where you both become a unit and everything is shared including financially.
I dont know why you decide to have a expensive party, holidays ( sounds like more than one including one abroad) and buy a house when your partner is in debt especially the wedding, which didnt actually mean anything. When someone is bad with money instead of expecting them to pay you back, you save before you commit to buying anything. If the funds arent there then you dont do it because deep down they dont want it enough. You cant make people do something they dont want to do and until they have a wake up call then it will always be an uphill struggle.