Another financial compatiability disaster!

duchy

So you are planning a THIRD wedding/party/celebration -Jeez !!!!

Actually I find your attitude to marriage quite offensive - but then to me it isn't about showing off with a party but about the commitment we are making to one another -and I don't find the need to keep pretending to do it because some people can't attend. The whole point of a wedding is to invite people to come and celebrate with you -If after two attempts they still can't make the time ....perhaps it is because they don't take your marriage seriously either. If my friend/relative kept having weddings but never bothered doing the legal bit I wouldn't bother going - I'd think it was all about the party and not about the commitment.

It's clear you aren't married however as otherwise you wouldn't be claiming he owed you 11K -as he simply wouldn't. I wonder if this is why you haven't just popped down to the registry office after the festivities - as you claimed you were going to do when you posted about your wedding on here some time ago.

It isn't unusual to have a non legal ceremony -but it is unusual to not pop to the registry office for the legal bit before or after. Do all the people who bought you wedding gifts know you aren't actually married and have no plans to be in the near to medium future ?

If you can't afford the couple of hundred it costs to legalize your wedding then perhaps you shouldn't be buying a house anyway though. Are you expecting that anyone who attends the registry office ceremony to buy you another wedding gift too........or maybe you are just addicted to weddings ??? How many more are you planning.......and will you be renewing your vows on your wedding anniversary
each year......and if so which one...or perhaps you could do it on all of them !!!

Oh and the registrar wasn't rude- they were following the law. Just because you *want* them to do it differently to the laws of the land doesn't mean they can. However you *could* have paid for a registrar to attend your handfasting and have had the two ceremonies on the same day in the same place .

mazy_m wrote: »

I'm actually shocked by some of the comments on here. Why does not having the legal bit have to be for some negative reason? Not everyone that is in a committed loving relationship wants to have the legal bit done and out of the way first.


Yes we had a hand fasting ceremony it was beautiful with all our friends and family involved and they were the ones that conducted the ceremony.


At the time I had rang up to book the local registrar to do the legal bit to make it official but they implicitly told me I couldn't have any of the element of the hand fasting I wanted as it was deemed as religious. They were also incredibly rude and told me that I "had" to do it their way or not get married. So I told them in fact I don't have to do it with you at all and we decided that we'd have that one then a year later we'd do the legal bit as it meant that a few family members and friends that were unable to travel to the first one could come along too. So that was to be this year but we decided instead of spending the money on that we should use it towards a deposit for a house so we could start our future and we discussed getting the legal bit done just before or after we moved into the house.


For us the hand fasting was the wedding the legal bit is just that. It's nothing to do with protecting myself financially if I was doing that I would have left him years ago.

neneromanova

OP, What happens when he pays this back to you, and you're both at £0 owed to each other, then you get pregnant, have to leave work and he has to pay for you? Do you then owe him money for supporting you and the child/ren?

Mattygroves2

I am obviously in the minority but I don't think it is unusual for one half of a married couple to deal with the financial "paperwork" if they are organised and the other is not. For example I sort out all insurances, tax the cars when necessary, sort out utility providers, order the oil for our heating when necessary, pay all other ad hoc bills and make sure the credit cards get paid each month. OH is perfectly capable of doing it but it is easier for it all to be dealt with in one place. However, we have been married for nearly 20 years and all accounts are joint or in my name for tax purposes.

In the OPs shoes if the only problem was that he was useless in an organisational sense then I wouldn't have a problem running the mechanics of making sure everything is paid on time. What I would do though is sit down and come up with a joint budget that splits the money left over after paying everything fairly - some each to spend and the rest into joint savings for the next holiday etc.

If you really are married in your head then thinking in terms of mine / his doesn't really work in my experience. So forget about the £11,000 and whether he is putting the same as you into future savings and tackle the debt problem together then work out what your future savings are going to be used for together. If you have to do the hard work to make sure there are savings then see that as part of your contribution towards the relationship.

duchy

It's the "married in her head" yet he owes her over ten grand that doesn't add up to most people.

In all seriousness whether they ever marry legally or not I do think the OP needs to sort out this her money/his money issue before children come along. Wills and legal declarations (costing more than a visit to a registry office)can give similar legal rights to marriage so it doesn't really matter if she wants to claim to be married but actually isn't legally. What is far more important is seeing themselves as a joint financial unit and working together.
My Mum was the financial "boss" My Dad had a high powered job and she either worked part-time or was a SAHM but as a book keeper she balanced all the books and although she consulted my Dad the reality was she decided and consulted my Dad on big issues out of courtesy but he was happy to let her deal with it all. So I know it can work but it honestly didn't matter who contributed what it was *their* money not his and hers. I do wonder if this couple earn roughly the same if the issue is what he spends his fun money on and how he prioritizes. He may not be interested and be happy for her to handle it but that doesn't absolve him of all financial responsibility (like screwing up the mortgage). With marriage or even just a commitment like marriage comes responsibilities - maybe the OP needs to ask herself if he's ready for them. I know my OH would be mortified if we had a wedding party but not the legal bit - He'd feel we weren't properly married and he'd question my commitment to him . (I know I've just asked him )

FBaby

I know it's unsual but to us it was the right thing to do

And that should be the end of the discussion as to whether what you are doing is right or wrong. OH and I do many things that are deemed unconventional in our marriage which many people would judge as not right. What makes it right though is that we are both happy with it. If one wasn't, then it wouldn't be right for us any longer. Finance-wise, we are not as divided as you are, but much more than the 'average' couple. We have separate accounts, have worked out our bills so that we are left with the same disposable income, but in the end, it is HIS money and MY money. We have never talked about 'lending' each other money, we don't normally ask, but if one needed money for something personal, then it would be given, not lent. However, if you are both happy with this concept, it's not an issue.

Any tips on getting him on the same page moneysaving wise as me and bucking down to pay off his debts on time.

That's where your problem is though. You can't get him on the same page as you. Firstly, because he doesn't seem to agree with you on it. He might agree on the overall concept, but not on how it impacts on him and you on an every day basis. Secondly, you can never make someone do something. You can encourage, you can hope, but you can't force or it because a controlling relationship. That means that in your case, by investing together, you are accepting that you are taking a risk. Maybe your encouragements will work and he will become more money savvy as you would wish, but maybe not. You have to accept that might be the case and consider how you would deal with this if it happened.

Mrs_Imp

mazy_m wrote: »

I completely agree with the first part and that's what I'm tired of having to act like his mother. If I'm not there to "check" on him he won't do it. It's not because he doesn't want to but because he's got such a lack of confidence in things sometimes. No matter how many times I've tried to get him to do things and build him up. That's the reason it's so bad now as I've left it until now so as not to make him feel crap about himself!

Marriages and relationships are about a partnership. You look at the strengths and weaknesses of each person and work with them. He is bad at budgetting, you are not. So why is it such a terrible thing for you to take charge of the money? Why is that 'mothering' him? Mr Imp is better at plastering than I am, so he does the plastering. That in no way 'mothers' me, it's just a simple fact. He can do it better, so he does it. In the same way, your OH will have things he can do better than you, so chances are you'll let him do them and he doesn't insist on you doing 50% of them.

Marriages and relationships are not a 50/50 split, they are a 100/100 split. You each give 100%, so that when the other person falls down you are there to pick them up.

OP, take charge of the finances, and let him take charge of the things he CAN do.

pollypenny

mazy_m wrote: »

Not in your eyes no but don't presume to think that means a slight bit of difference or that our relationship is anything less than any other ones who happen to be married as you insinuated.


A piece of paper is a piece of paper. End of!

I think you'll find that a number of official documents are far more than pieces of paper and it's naive of you to think otherwise.

Birth certificate, death certificate, driving licence, V5 for, even a premium bond.

Lunar_Eclipse

I've just looked up the definition of marriage, due to the very forthright comments on this thread. I thought marriage probably involved a legal contract.

The OP is married.

Marriage is a legal OR formal/social union of two people. It's a public demonstration of their commitment to a relationship. You do not need to have the legal part to be deemed married, according to the English Oxford Dictionary and every other definition I found on Google.

Interesting.

pollypenny

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I've just looked up the definition of marriage, due to the very forthright comments on this thread. I thought marriage probably involved a legal contract.

The OP is married.

Marriage is a legal OR formal/social union of two people. It's a public demonstration of their commitment to a relationship. You do not need to have the legal part to be deemed married, according to the English Oxford Dictionary and every other definition I found on Google.

Interesting.

I think you'll find that, according to law, it is has to be legal.

Obvious, innit?

rachy182

You need to get together with your partner and go through both of your fiances together. Is he getting further and further into debt because of silly spending or because he doesn't pay cards on time? Agree together how much he should be paying each much for bills, debt repayments and fun. Encourage him to set up direct debits to you and his credits cards to pay these amounts of then whatever is left he can spend as he chooses while you know that minimum payments are being met and hes not getting further into debt. If he then still messes up then i would seriously reconsider being together because i know i couldn't be with someone who lives beyond their means and doesn't even tempt to try to manage.