Another financial compatiability disaster!

Person_one

mazy_m wrote: »

How dare you tell me I'm not to call myself married.

You aren't married.

To me and to him we are married

Not to anybody else, and not in the eyes of the state or the law.

People aren't responding to be mean to you, they're trying to help, but that rarely means telling you exactly what you want to hear. If there was a lovely, fluffy, easy answer you wouldn't be here asking for advice!

mazy_m

Person_one wrote: »

I think that poster is making a point about you spending a fair amount of money on what essentially was just a party, when your partner was in a substantial amount of debt already.

I'll be honest, neither of you is sounding particularly great here! Your partner has put his head in the sand and ignored his financial problems and responsibilities, true. However you see yourself as being good with money but haven't really managed the finances brilliantly either, and you seem to be sticking doggedly to a 50/50 split on everything when it might be better to look at this from a 'household' perspective to get things sorted once and for all.

Both of you have made mistakes, neither of you are completely right or completely wrong. If you're going to have a future together and one that isn't full of debt and conflict/stress over money then you need to sit down for an afternoon with every piece of paper from every account in front of you and come up with a plan together for how both of you will sort things out and how you will move forward together, as a team.

Yes I agree and I need for him to do that. I don't know why everyone seems to be obsessed about this sticking doggedly to the 50/50 split. I've said no end of times I don't expect to see any of that for ages. When he figures things out and becomes better then he can start contributing more every month and that's how it effectively gets paid back. He's well aware and I've said on here numerous times he's not paying it back paying it back in that respect.



I also agree I should be better too and maybe say no more.

missbiggles1

mazy_m wrote: »

You know what I wasn't even going to respond to you but I'll forgive you naivety and enlighten you.


I completely agree with the first part and that's what I'm tired of having to act like his mother. If I'm not there to "check" on him he won't do it. It's not because he doesn't want to but because he's got such a lack of confidence in things sometimes. No matter how many times I've tried to get him to do things and build him up. That's the reason it's so bad now as I've left it until now so as not to make him feel crap about himself!


How dare you tell me I'm not to call myself married. I think you'll find that historically and in Scotland today you can have a legal hand fasting. To me and to him we are married, we do share everything jointly and are fully committed. We don't need a legal document to prove that. If we choose to we'll do it when we want to. We also don't need to do it the way that some people decide is the right way to do it. I know people who have done it the "right way" and they've go off and completely !!!!ed all over their vows. Whereas the people I know that have done it a similar way are the most committed people I know. I'm not saying one way is right or wrong but having that piece of paper doesn't give you any more of a relationship than not having it. That's utter !!!!!!!!! It wasn't a big fancy party or expensive trips abroad so please don't presume to know me or us. Part of the problem is I didn't know as he dug his head in the sand and I only found about some of his debt later on.

Sorry, like it or not, you're not married.

Person_one

mazy_m wrote: »

Yes I agree and I need for him to do that. I don't know why everyone seems to be obsessed about this sticking doggedly to the 50/50 split. I've said no end of times I don't expect to see any of that for ages. When he figures things out and becomes better then he can start contributing more every month and that's how it effectively gets paid back. He's well aware and I've said on here numerous times he's not paying it back paying it back in that respect.



I also agree I should be better too and maybe say no more.

The thing about the 50/50 split is that you are insistent that you see yourself as married, fully committed, a unit etc. Well, most couples who feel that way don't stick to a 50/50 split on everything all the time, they tend to see things as 'ours' and the idea of owing each other money within a marriage would be alien. Its a contradiction, as well as being an inefficient and rather cold way of managing finances in a (hopefully) lifelong relationship.

mazy_m

Person_one wrote: »

You aren't married.



Not to anybody else, and not in the eyes of the state or the law.

People aren't responding to be mean to you, they're trying to help, but that rarely means telling you exactly what you want to hear. If there was a lovely, fluffy, easy answer you wouldn't be here asking for advice!

Yes and there's a way in which to do it. Actually to all our friends and family we are married and due to our living together I think legally to an extent. I don't really know why I'm responding to this apart from this month and this issue or him not actually just checking his bank I don't have a major issue with him. We both know how much we love each other and how important and serious our relationship is. We both know that 9 years together isn't for nothing and we've grown up together in those years. It's a shame that I've just grown up a bit quicker in terms of money finances than him. But then he's grown up more in terms of looking after his health.


The thing is some of the things being brought up are irrelevant to my original post so how it that helpful or beneficial?

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate at the thoughts and advice and it's interesting to see other people's perspective especially when people think differently. However I wouldn't bring irrelevant things into it as it's useless.

mazy_m

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Sorry, like it or not, you're not married.

Not in your eyes no but don't presume to think that means a slight bit of difference or that our relationship is anything less than any other ones who happen to be married as you insinuated.


A piece of paper is a piece of paper. End of!

Person_one

mazy_m wrote: »

Not in your eyes no but don't presume to think that means a slight bit of difference or that our relationship is anything less than any other ones who happen to be married as you insinuated.


A piece of paper is a piece of paper. End of!

A marriage certificate is an incredibly powerful legal document, its not just a piece of paper. There are huge differences legally and financially between being a cohabiting couple and being a married couple.

If you aren't aware of the differences, please read about them so you know the reality of the decision you've made not to get married:

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

mazy_m

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I'm confused - are you actually married or not?

Also, are you still planning that you might have to stop working when you move?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/69142354#Comment_69142354

If you're referring to my post about worrying about finding work I've never planned not to be working. I wanted to find out what my options were if I couldn't find work. I wanted to know all eventualities to be fully prepared.


If I were to get the mortgage in my own name alone then that would change again. I wouldn't do temp work until I found a perm job in a place I liked instead I'd stay in my job until I found a perm job there and more likely to take a perm job that I might not love as much. Luckily enough I've a couple of options for staying with family if needed to save on (crazy!) London rents. Also would still be able to take a bit of a paycut but not as much as doing a much more lower paid job if two of us were paying the mortgage and costs. Hope that makes sense.

mazy_m

Person_one wrote: »

A marriage certificate is an incredibly powerful legal document, its not just a piece of paper. There are huge differences legally and financially between being a cohabiting couple and being a married couple.

If you aren't aware of the differences, please read about them so you know the reality of the decision you've made not to get married:

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I'll be honest with you. I don't really care about all the legalities and neither does he. Neither or us are worried about protecting our assets etc because we do trust each other and we really haven't got anything to protect.


The reason we are buying the house is not as an investment it's fr somewhere to live to be settled. The great thing is it's a lot less than where we are now so makes so much financial sense.


Therefore to us the legal part of it is irrelevant to us. The important part of a ceremony to us is that we were joining together in front of our family and friends and promising each other this amongst other stuff. Money and possessions and anything like that was the furthest thing from our minds.


Probably how we've ended up here now to be honest but then it wouldn't be us if that's what we'd have done.

rachy182

Me and i assume other people judging by some posts thought it was strange that you've had a wedding without doing the legal bit. Ive never known anyone who has done that. Most people i know who aren't legally married but describe themselves as virtually married but without the paper eg living together for years, kids don't bother having any sort of ceremony or party nor do they call themselves husband and wife its partner or other half. However i think this is mainly to save on money as they would rather see the thousands spent on starting a family and a house deposit. Surprisingly they never think about getting a cheap registry office ceremony.It seemed a bit silly to me to have a wedding without the legal bit considering the expense when your partner has money troubles even if i was inexpensive compared to some weddings and to have a long trip to Europe is defiantly dearer than a week in skeggy.

Im pretty sure there are some people who also dont get married to protect assets especially if the other person has none. Personally i wouldn't blame you because sometimes while you love someone you arent ignorant to their flaws and need to protect yourself if the worst happens. Please dont sign any legal documents till you get this sorted or start a family. On this board there are so many people who dont talk about fiances before they get married, move in together or have kids and the problem gets worse over the years and i dont want you to come back in two years time married and with a baby and nothing has changed.

You might not like it but society does have some labels for relationships. Each label means something different to everyone but people tend to know what they mean and how serious the relationship is. For example boyfriend seems very causal, partner and wife is a lot more committed. Despite talking about the future with my boyfriend and saying we would like to get married and have kids i will not let him call me anything like fiance or wife because he hasn't shown that level of commitment to me yet.

Sorry for the long post