Divorce, am I making the right decision?

The_Observer

andydownes123 wrote: »

Sounds like she's possibly meeting another person when she's out with friends to me. TBH, if my partner booked a huge holiday to a place as far away as Cuba, I would blow my lid and quite rightly. Out of order, mate.

I think this was a final kick in the teeth for me, when I had told her that I didn't want her to spend as much time away with other people (shes going Benidorm in a couple of weeks with a friend) and then she went and booked this. I haven't lost my cool about it as I'm a very chilled/patient person but felt very deflated and annoyed after as it showed that she doesn't have the respect for me I thought she had.
She justified it by saying that Cuba is a holiday which she needs due to being stressed and Benidorm isn't a holiday as she will be drinking and its not relaxing in the same way.

tiger_eyes

The_Observer wrote: »

I suppose deep down I suspect this and there has been a couple of occasions when I have suspected things have gone on towards the start of the relationship, but I'm very much a person that won't believe it until I have seen it for my own eyes. I guess you could also call me stupid for saying ignorance is bliss. I feel that now I am in a place where I am not happy to accept being second best anymore which is why one day I have just changed and told her I want a divorce.

I hear you. You love her, and even though you know deep down what's going on, you still want your marriage to work out. That doesn't make you pathetic - just very devoted. But I suspect that she's so deep in her cheating that she has zero respect for you right now. The more forgiving you are, the more she's convinced you're weak. And her disrespect will only increase until you act strongly.

I really recommend the Coping with Infidelity forum of the Talk About Marriage website, where they've seen this many times and can suggest a good strategy.

PS: Being obsessively protective of her Facebook is another massive red flag for infidelity in the context of her overall behaviour.

The_Observer

tiger_eyes wrote: »

I hear you. You love her, and even though you know deep down what's going on, you still want your marriage to work out. That doesn't make you pathetic - just very devoted. But I suspect that she's so deep in her cheating that she has zero respect for you right now. The more forgiving you are, the more she's convinced you're weak. And her disrespect will only increase until you act strongly.

I really recommend the Coping with Infidelity forum of the Talk About Marriage website, where they've seen this many times and can suggest a good strategy.

PS: Being obsessively protective of her Facebook is another massive red flag for infidelity in the context of her overall behaviour.

You guys have all been awesome in giving me the kick up the !!!! I need! I have said to her a couple of times that I wish I had caught her cheating or she would tell me that she has been . I would still be fair with her during the divorce and with me being the type of person I am I would stick to my word. I feel I would be more relieved than upset if this was the case!

Guest101

The_Observer wrote: »

I think this was a final kick in the teeth for me, when I had told her that I didn't want her to spend as much time away with other people (shes going Benidorm in a couple of weeks with a friend) and then she went and booked this. I haven't lost my cool about it as I'm a very chilled/patient person but felt very deflated and annoyed after as it showed that she doesn't have the respect for me I thought she had.
She justified it by saying that Cuba is a holiday which she needs due to being stressed and Benidorm isn't a holiday as she will be drinking and its not relaxing in the same way.

Unless benidorm is a hen do, it's a f'ing holiday.

This is starting to scream of affair.

I'd cut financial ties asap buddy.

PeacefulWaters

Relate will cost c£50 a session. If she won't join you go yourself.

Many large employers offer a health support package that may include a limited number of free counselling sessions.

Trying counselling will give you peace of mind that you genuinely tried. Reassuring in future, whichever way things turn out.

Don't wait 20+ years to sort this out though. Face into it while you're young.

My instinct is also affair. She could just be a screw up. Or both.
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5296857

If there are no kids I wouldn't spend much more time in misery.

skint_chick

I'm married and often go away with friends/on my own. However I would never consider going on a 2 week trip to Cuba without my OH, or at the very least discussing it with him and having another holiday with him. She has definitely lost all respect for you and your marriage. It does very much sound like she is having an affair, but even if she isn't there is no future in a marriage where one partner is not prepared to try, or even take the other person's feelings into consideration. Accusing you of cheating and being suspicious is a classic sign that she is cheating. Change your passwords, get your own bank account, and don't let her have access. In a trusting relationship there is no reason for your wife to have your passwords (unless you really want them to).

You should ask her to leave, you shouldn't be the one to leave because you are committed to the relationship. She has plenty of friends who she can stay with if she is close enough to them to go on a 2 week holiday with them. This will give you time to rebuild friendships, talk things over with a trusted friend/counsellor and maybe get you back on track with healthy eating and fitness.

Not all men are great at DIY, this shouldn't be something she ridicules you about, if you give it a try or call someone to do the job that's ok. And if you're both working full time she should be helping with this not just expecting you'll do it because you're a man.

neneromanova

You sound exactly like my Husband used to be with his ex wife. Doing things for an easy life, he even said he did things so she didn't get mad or anything. He cooked, cleaned, worked full time etc, where as she was at home "writing her book" so couldn't do anything. She found someone else so cheated on him then left him. He was heart broken at the time, but that was only because that was all he knew.

Now he is with me, he said he's happier than ever. And I don't think he's just saying that to keep me happy or anything. I let him go on lads weekends to Le Mans and other races. He feels like a normal human being again as opposed to a slave.

It sounds like you know what needs to be done. Change all passwords to everything so she can't access them, make sure your money goes to your bank, not a joint or hers and look towards the future. You never know what will happen tomorrow. If you were to suddenly die tomorrow, could you honestly say you lived life to the fullest and were happy with the way everything turned out? If you can't, then make it so you can

Good luck and keep us updated

The_Observer

skint_chick wrote: »

I'm married and often go away with friends/on my own. However I would never consider going on a 2 week trip to Cuba without my OH, or at the very least discussing it with him and having another holiday with him. She has definitely lost all respect for you and your marriage. It does very much sound like she is having an affair, but even if she isn't there is no future in a marriage where one partner is not prepared to try, or even take the other person's feelings into consideration. Accusing you of cheating and being suspicious is a classic sign that she is cheating. Change your passwords, get your own bank account, and don't let her have access. In a trusting relationship there is no reason for your wife to have your passwords (unless you really want them to).

You should ask her to leave, you shouldn't be the one to leave because you are committed to the relationship. She has plenty of friends who she can stay with if she is close enough to them to go on a 2 week holiday with them. This will give you time to rebuild friendships, talk things over with a trusted friend/counsellor and maybe get you back on track with healthy eating and fitness.

Not all men are great at DIY, this shouldn't be something she ridicules you about, if you give it a try or call someone to do the job that's ok. And if you're both working full time she should be helping with this not just expecting you'll do it because you're a man.

Thanks for the advice. When it comes to property she has told me that I can pay her off and she will literally leave me with everything (but then she has days when she can't believe I have asked for a divorce and gets angry and upset). We seem to be amicable most of the time although today we finished on an argument and now I won't see her until Sunday night.
I must admit one thing I want to do is speak with the in-laws to put over myside, but then I don't know if thats a good idea or not.

The_Observer

neneromanova wrote: »

You sound exactly like my Husband used to be with his ex wife. Doing things for an easy life, he even said he did things so she didn't get mad or anything. He cooked, cleaned, worked full time etc, where as she was at home "writing her book" so couldn't do anything. She found someone else so cheated on him then left him. He was heart broken at the time, but that was only because that was all he knew.

Now he is with me, he said he's happier than ever. And I don't think he's just saying that to keep me happy or anything. I let him go on lads weekends to Le Mans and other races. He feels like a normal human being again as opposed to a slave.

It sounds like you know what needs to be done. Change all passwords to everything so she can't access them, make sure your money goes to your bank, not a joint or hers and look towards the future. You never know what will happen tomorrow. If you were to suddenly die tomorrow, could you honestly say you lived life to the fullest and were happy with the way everything turned out? If you can't, then make it so you can

Good luck and keep us updated

I'm glad to hear its worked out well for you both, as I have said before I would find it so much easier if she is or admitted to having an affair if that is the case. I don't know why but I feel really guilty for asking her for the divorce but I do and I worry about where she will go and what she will do as I'm the main earner, but then I suppose as someone else has said she has enough friends etc who would be able to support her where as I will be back at square one again (which I don't mind).

LannieDuck

Could you not go to Cuba with her? A bit of time away together might be good. At least you'd find out whether there was still any spark between the two of you.