Divorce, am I making the right decision?

The_Observer

Hi, I'm a 32 year old male that has been in a relationship with my wife (33 years old) for about 8 years, married for 6 years this September.
As always when our relationship started everything was great. We would socialise together and have great fun in each others company. As time as gone on we have become more and more distant. We lead individual lives. The biggest things for me are that my wife stopped wearing her wedding rings about two years ago which is also about the same time that we have been sleeping in separate beds. She blames not wearing rings due to it causing her discomfort and the separate rooms due to me snoring which I know I do as I have heard myself on an app. Now we sleep in separate rooms obviously everything else in the bedroom department has stopped, if you know what I'm getting at!
I am a shift worker as well so the time we do get together I would like to spend with my wife, but she has developed a very busy social life which means that she would sooner go away and meet up with friends she has met through work and stay with them in a different part of the UK.
We don't hold hands, we don't cuddle and the time we do spend at home together on the sofa we spent at opposite sides. The conversations we do have each evening consist of the usual phrases, 'How was work' , 'Want do you want me to cook tomorrow?' etc etc and that's when I am able to speak to her and shes paying attention and not got her head in her mobile phone.
I have allowed her a lot of freedom in the relationship, looking back maybe too much if there is such a thing. She has gone on holidays to Benidorm twice and she has now booked a holiday to Cuba with her girl friends without me in January.
I find that when I wanted to, or went out with my friends I would get texts asking when I am back, what I'm doing etc and if I was late I would be accused of cheating. This has pretty much led me to abandon all my friends for an easy life! I haven's seen my best man in about 5 years!! I'm feeling really lonely and depressed, I've also managed to put on two stone in weight through binge eating and boredom I guess.
Now I do love my wife and keeping on thinking that I am bailing out of my marriage. We did almost split last year and I was two days from moving to a rental property before she called me up, very emotional asking for things to work. Naturally we had a peak when things were good, but then old habits slip in again and we never did the small things to reinforce the marriage.
She tells me that I have my bad points and yes, don't we all. I get told that I make her depressed and that I am lazy and never put the effort in with friends or family, despite me telling her that I always ask to join her and her friends but never get invited and yes I suppose I am useless around the house, but then I have never been very handy in that way although I will always do the housework (and get criticised its not upto standard, but then don't all us blokes! lol)
Now I guess I am looking for answers, reassurance and a way of off loading my guilt in this forum the same way I wrote my wife a six page letter detailing what I wanted to change. This is one of the hardest times of my life and I just need to put my feelings out there and see what people think.

benjus

Do you have any reason to think she's been unfaithful to you during any of these solo trips she's made?

If not, then it sounds like you're in a rut, but one that you could get out of with the right amount of effort from both sides. It sounds like you're still cordial and respectful towards one another, which means to me that things haven't got to breaking point yet. But I think that if you don't both take action to recover the marriage now, it will probably get past that point.

Have you considered counselling?

Guest101

There are signs of abuse here, and you should consider that carefully.

I think that you might be best out of this relationship - I presume there are no kids?

gonzo127

have you given your wife the letter? and what response have you had?

basically i have recently gone through the same thing, wrote her a letter, which sparked us going to counselling, with the hope that we could fix things - as it works for a lot of people. AND SOMETHING I WOULD RECOMMEND

unfortunately for us counselling didn't work and after over 6 months of 'trying' nothing much seemed to have changed, so i have moved out, scarily i am happier than i can remember being in a long time, ok i am not socialising as much as i might want to due to money, but the 'dread' i felt when the end of the work day was coming around and i knew i had to go 'home' is no longer there. and i actually look forward to going home now.

dont get me wrong, i have bad days were i feel incredibly lonely, but i am learning how to cope with them

Pixie5740

I agree that all might not be lost just yet. Counselling could be a good way forward and is certainly worth a shot. Your marriage is in a rut and you are in a funk.

Taking up some form of exercise would help with the weight gain, boredom and get some endorphins flowing. If you're snoring is really bad then see your GP about it. My friend recently did this and attended a sleep clinic. Now he wears one of those CPAP devices when he goes to bed (he also takes it on flights and looks a bit like Bane) and has so much more energy and feels better in himself now that he is getting a proper rest at night. Do these things for yourself.

You should also start rebuilding relationships with your friends. Call your best man up and arrange to go and do something together. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. If your wife goes out with her friends and goes on holiday with her friends then you should be able to do those things too. Besides whether or not you remain married you should have friendships and hobbies.

When you say you are useless around the house? Is this something your wife has told you? If so is there a reason why she cannot use a screwdriver? Pankhurt would be spinning in her grave. Your housework shouldn't be constantly criticised either unless you've done something really stupid like put a cream merino wool jumper on a boil wash with denims (an ex of mine did this...on purpose...so that I wouldn't ask him to do the laundry not that I had ever asked him to).

The_Observer

benjus wrote: »

Do you have any reason to think she's been unfaithful to you during any of these solo trips she's made?

If not, then it sounds like you're in a rut, but one that you could get out of with the right amount of effort from both sides. It sounds like you're still cordial and respectful towards one another, which means to me that things haven't got to breaking point yet. But I think that if you don't both take action to recover the marriage now, it will probably get past that point.

Have you considered counselling?

We are having our ups and downs at the moment. I have mentioned counselling, but she laughed it off initially. Then in an argument today she has said that I haven't tried anything to save the relationship. She sees my points raised as little things and are not part of the bigger issue which are all about me being boring, not wanting to do things and depressing to be around.

The_Observer

Guest101 wrote: »

There are signs of abuse here, and you should consider that carefully.

I think that you might be best out of this relationship - I presume there are no kids?

No we don't have any children, although we were planning on starting a family in the next few months, but now huge doors have opened for her at work so understandably this is pretty much off the cards now. She has my support for chasing her career, but at the same time I have always wanted to have a family.

harrys_nan

I do think that you are at the end of the road now.
I think you still love your wife, but reading what you have written, I'm not sure that she still feels the same way. You have gotten to the point that you fit together like a comfy pair of old slippers.
I think you should try, the both of you, to get to go to Relate and see if there is anything left to salvage. At least give it one more shot to save your marriage, but then if it doesn't work then go your separate way. Life is far too short to be as unhappy as you seem to be, you only get one crack at it.
I would hate to think one of my kids being unhappy in their marriage.

The_Observer

gonzo127 wrote: »

have you given your wife the letter? and what response have you had?

basically i have recently gone through the same thing, wrote her a letter, which sparked us going to counselling, with the hope that we could fix things - as it works for a lot of people. AND SOMETHING I WOULD RECOMMEND

unfortunately for us counselling didn't work and after over 6 months of 'trying' nothing much seemed to have changed, so i have moved out, scarily i am happier than i can remember being in a long time, ok i am not socialising as much as i might want to due to money, but the 'dread' i felt when the end of the work day was coming around and i knew i had to go 'home' is no longer there. and i actually look forward to going home now.

dont get me wrong, i have bad days were i feel incredibly lonely, but i am learning how to cope with them

I gave my wife the letter, she said that it made her angry and was just repeating the same things I have told her over and over again. This is why I don't think counselling is something that will work for us. She knows what needs to change and to be honest wearing a wedding ring for example is such a simple step to starting to make things right, not booking a two week holiday to Cuba when I have suggested that she doesn't go out with friends so much at the moment so we can work on the relationship.
I feel the same way now about work. I love it despite it being a very stressful and demanding job. Its my time to get away and stop feeling about the situation at home. This is why I feel I will be better off with a divorce. It will allow me to step back, gather my life back again and then move forward. Yes I will be hard hit financially, but I have been in that situation before and got through it.

tiger_eyes

The_Observer wrote: »

my wife stopped wearing her wedding rings about two years ago which is also about the same time that we have been sleeping in separate beds.

The_Observer wrote: »

Now we sleep in separate rooms obviously everything else in the bedroom department has stopped, if you know what I'm getting at!

The_Observer wrote: »

she would sooner go away and meet up with friends she has met through work and stay with them in a different part of the UK.

The_Observer wrote: »

The conversations we do have each evening consist of the usual phrases, 'How was work' , 'Want do you want me to cook tomorrow?' etc etc and that's when I am able to speak to her and shes paying attention and not got her head in her mobile phone.

The_Observer wrote: »

She has gone on holidays to Benidorm twice and she has now booked a holiday to Cuba with her girl friends without me in January.

The_Observer wrote: »

I find that when I wanted to, or went out with my friends I would get texts asking when I am back, what I'm doing etc and if I was late I would be accused of cheating.

These are massive, massive red flags for infidelity. She's having an affair. It's leaping off the page.

• She's not having sex with you because she's being faithful to the man she loves, ie. not you.
• She's not wearing her wedding ring because she no longer considers herself married.
• She's obsessed with her mobile phone where she's texting her affair partner.
• Meeting friends without you and going on holiday without you are excuses to have sex with the other man. If the friends she's supposedly meeting even exist, they're most likely covering for her affair so you don't find out.
• Accusing you of cheating is a guilty conscience at work. If you were cheating, that would justify her affair in her mind.

Affair.

benjus

The_Observer wrote: »

No we don't have any children, although we were planning on starting a family in the next few months, but now huge doors have opened for her at work so understandably this is pretty much off the cards now.

Whatever happens at her work, don't even think about starting a family until you've addressed the issues in your relationship. Starting a family won't make the issues go away, and it will make things hugely more difficult and more painful if you do end up separating.