Divorce, am I making the right decision?

gonzo127

The_Observer wrote: »

I gave my wife the letter, she said that it made her angry and was just repeating the same things I have told her over and over again. This is why I don't think counselling is something that will work for us. She knows what needs to change and to be honest wearing a wedding ring for example is such a simple step to starting to make things right, not booking a two week holiday to Cuba when I have suggested that she doesn't go out with friends so much at the moment so we can work on the relationship.
I feel the same way now about work. I love it despite it being a very stressful and demanding job. Its my time to get away and stop feeling about the situation at home. This is why I feel I will be better off with a divorce. It will allow me to step back, gather my life back again and then move forward. Yes I will be hard hit financially, but I have been in that situation before and got through it.

it sounds like she can not see that she is doing anything wrong and its all you, or at least thats what she is trying to make you think.

to me counselling will be make or break, as having a independent counselor mediate and advise might make her realise that things are not 'normal' and it isnt just you - this could be why she is against it as she might know deep down that she is not helping things/wanting to change, as why would she shes getting the security of a relationship with the fun of being single (without cheating (i hope) - but all the holidays with friends and going out all the time with friends etc etc)

you probably need to make it clear that YOU NEED for both of you to see a counselor, if she isnt willing, your choices are clear, stick with how things are, because honestly i cant see them changing, or leave - remember you do not have to divorce straight away and infact you would probably have to wait two years before you can anyway

The_Observer

Pixie5740 wrote: »

I agree that all might not be lost just yet. Counselling could be a good way forward and is certainly worth a shot. Your marriage is in a rut and you are in a funk.

Taking up some form of exercise would help with the weight gain, boredom and get some endorphins flowing. If you're snoring is really bad then see your GP about it. My friend recently did this and attended a sleep clinic. Now he wears one of those CPAP devices when he goes to bed (he also takes it on flights and looks a bit like Bane) and has so much more energy and feels better in himself now that he is getting a proper rest at night. Do these things for yourself.

You should also start rebuilding relationships with your friends. Call your best man up and arrange to go and do something together. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. If your wife goes out with her friends and goes on holiday with her friends then you should be able to do those things too. Besides whether or not you remain married you should have friendships and hobbies.

When you say you are useless around the house? Is this something your wife has told you? If so is there a reason why she cannot use a screwdriver? Pankhurt would be spinning in her grave. Your housework shouldn't be constantly criticised either unless you've done something really stupid like put a cream merino wool jumper on a boil wash with denims (an ex of mine did this...on purpose...so that I wouldn't ask him to do the laundry not that I had ever asked him to).

Thanks for the advice, I have started to go for some walks on my own and the Fitbit is keeping me motivated. As for being in a rut, I have felt this way a long time and each time I try to get involved she always says no shes too tired to go for a walk or I don't get an invite.
As for doing things with friends I would like to think that I would get the same freedom as I have given her, but I just know I would get a barrage of questions so I always dread the guys asking me out for drinks or out on stag do's. I always find an excuse and duck out of them, as I have said before I do this for an easy life.
I will get in touch with my best man and see if hes up to meeting up! We do have a lot to catch up on!
As for doing things around the house I am always up for having a go and perhaps watching a youtube clip for guidance, but she will always change her mind at the last minute and get her dad around. I know I would be capable in doing it, but its not worth the grief I would get if I did go wrong!
And as for laundry this is always a topic that makes me laugh! I get it right every time, she has managed to melt certain blankets blocking the washing machine or dying her own clothes.

Thanks for your help!

The_Observer

harrys_nan wrote: »

I do think that you are at the end of the road now.
I think you still love your wife, but reading what you have written, I'm not sure that she still feels the same way. You have gotten to the point that you fit together like a comfy pair of old slippers.
I think you should try, the both of you, to get to go to Relate and see if there is anything left to salvage. At least give it one more shot to save your marriage, but then if it doesn't work then go your separate way. Life is far too short to be as unhappy as you seem to be, you only get one crack at it.
I would hate to think one of my kids being unhappy in their marriage.

You say life is to short to be unhappy and that's why I feel now is the right time to divorce. Her career is about to go places and I feel that with my feelings towards a family and being 32 years of age I shouldn't really be leaving choices like these too long! I always had it in my mind to be a dad by the age of 30.

The_Observer

tiger_eyes wrote: »

These are massive, massive red flags for infidelity. She's having an affair. It's leaping off the page.

• She's not having sex with you because she's being faithful to the man she loves, ie. not you.
• She's not wearing her wedding ring because she no longer considers herself married.
• She's obsessed with her mobile phone where she's texting her affair partner.
• Meeting friends without you and going on holiday without you are excuses to have sex with the other man. If the friends she's supposedly meeting even exist, they're most likely covering for her affair so you don't find out.
• Accusing you of cheating is a guilty conscience at work. If you were cheating, that would justify her affair in her mind.

Affair.

I suppose deep down I suspect this and there has been a couple of occasions when I have suspected things have gone on towards the start of the relationship, but I'm very much a person that won't believe it until I have seen it for my own eyes. I guess you could also call me stupid for saying ignorance is bliss. I feel that now I am in a place where I am not happy to accept being second best anymore which is why one day I have just changed and told her I want a divorce.
She keeps her facebook etc locked down so I can't have access, but when I have changed my password without telling her all hell breaks loose!
I know she would probably go mental now knowing that I am getting things off my chest as she has told me that I am not to tell anyone I want a divorce yet she can tell who she wants. Stupidly I keep my facebook account open for her to see, along with my emails and have only told my mum and dad what I am going through. I'm even writing this on incognito mode so she can't retrace my browser history!
The more I raed back what I am writing the more pathetic I see I have become. It makes me think its more than counselling that would save this marriage. I don't think she would manage with the changes I would want to make!

The_Observer

benjus wrote: »

Whatever happens at her work, don't even think about starting a family until you've addressed the issues in your relationship. Starting a family won't make the issues go away, and it will make things hugely more difficult and more painful if you do end up separating.

You don't have to worry about that. We know a baby won't solve the problems. I feel like we have a long way to go before we will be looking at that route in life again.

gonzo127

The_Observer wrote: »

I suppose deep down I suspect this and there has been a couple of occasions when I have suspected things have gone on towards the start of the relationship, but I'm very much a person that won't believe it until I have seen it for my own eyes. I guess you could also call me stupid for saying ignorance is bliss. I feel that now I am in a place where I am not happy to accept being second best anymore which is why one day I have just changed and told her I want a divorce.
She keeps her facebook etc locked down so I can't have access, but when I have changed my password without telling her all hell breaks loose!
I know she would probably go mental now knowing that I am getting things off my chest as she has told me that I am not to tell anyone I want a divorce yet she can tell who she wants. Stupidly I keep my facebook account open for her to see, along with my emails and have only told my mum and dad what I am going through. I'm even writing this on incognito mode so she can't retrace my browser history!
The more I raed back what I am writing the more pathetic I see I have become. It makes me think its more than counselling that would save this marriage. I don't think she would manage with the changes I would want to make!

been there and done that (although my ex wasn't controlling in the same way as yours but that's a different story)

but don't feel as if you have been pathetic, the way you are describing things, is probably boarder line abuse if not outright abuse, and it is not the people who suffer it that are the pathetic ones in a relationship.

but only you can really tell if counselling could work - i tried it as i wanted to have at least tried everything for my own peace of mind, it didnt work but i know I TRIED even if she wasnt willing to change

System

Sounds like she's possibly meeting another person when she's out with friends to me. TBH, if my partner booked a huge holiday to a place as far away as Cuba, I would blow my lid and quite rightly. Out of order, mate.

harrys_nan

The_Observer wrote: »

You say life is to short to be unhappy and that's why I feel now is the right time to divorce. Her career is about to go places and I feel that with my feelings towards a family and being 32 years of age I shouldn't really be leaving choices like these too long! I always had it in my mind to be a dad by the age of 30.

Then I really think the best thing to do is, separate now, If her job is going to take more of her time and effort then she is not going to have any time to work on her marriage, You both have different wants and needs, she her job and you a family. If you leave to long then you may never get to meet someone who is on the same wavelength as you and by that I do not mean for you to rush off and grasp the first female you see :rotfl:

Take your time to meet someone that you are sure as you be, be happy with.
Good luck with your decision and whatever you choose to do.

By the way 32 is def not old, I will swap ages with you any day , lol
I didn't have my 1st child until I was 31, not my choice though

Pixie5740

You are not pathetic. Being ground down on a daily basis like you are would be enough to put anyone in a funk.

You should not face a barrage of abuse for wanting to see your friends. That is unacceptable behaviour from her. Do call your best man to make arrangements and if necessary turn your phone off or at least to silent and go out and enjoy yourself.

Walking is great exercise so keep that up too.

The_Observer

gonzo127 wrote: »

been there and done that (although my ex wasn't controlling in the same way as yours but that's a different story)

but don't feel as if you have been pathetic, the way you are describing things, is probably boarder line abuse if not outright abuse, and it is not the people who suffer it that are the pathetic ones in a relationship.

but only you can really tell if counselling could work - i tried it as i wanted to have at least tried everything for my own peace of mind, it didnt work but i know I TRIED even if she wasnt willing to change

I have just pinged off an email to Relate to see how much they charge. I think I will probably go for a session myself although speaking to everyone on here is lifting a huge weight off my shoulders. Its good to see that everyone is on the same wavelength as me and can understand my frustrations.