Divorce, am I making the right decision?

FBaby

PuzzledDave wrote: »

PuzzledDaves five questions to determine if you have a good spouse. Feel free to disagree or refute them, but this is mine.

1) Do they make you smile and laugh ?
2) Do they support you when times are tough ?
3) Do they prioritise you over others ?
4) Do they help you achieve your goals ?
5) Do you look forward to telling to them about the latest <thing of interest in your life> ?


If you cannot answer yes at very least two of these -- honestly, what do they do that makes your life better with them ?

And a valuable lesson is to ask these same questions the other way around 'do you make your spouse smile and laugh? If not why not?

neneromanova

How's everything going OP?

mrsammyp

As sad as it is, I think everybody has made valid points and are pointing in the right direction. You seem to have done everything but counselling to save this marriage/relationship and even then that is unlikely to get you anywhere.

She is showing many signs of cheating, but for some reason has not yet ended the marriage. You need to focus on yourself now, get back in touch with old friends and start some form of exercise (feeling good about yourself has a huge effect).

We are all here to get you through this buddy!

clairec79

The_Observer wrote: »

Now I do love my wife and keeping on thinking that I am bailing out of my marriage.

She's already bailed out of the marriage, just not on paper

The_Observer

Thanks again everyone for the advice. If I haven't replied to you directly I have read what you have written down and have taken it on board.
She spent the weekend away again with her girlfriends and now its the weekdays she is back at work. I was in bed when she got back so apart from ironing her work top and making a tea for her we haven't really spoken this morning.
The house is going to be valued today so I will wait and see what they say. Luckily its a shared ownership property and I own 25%, so whilst it is going to be expensive its not going to be as bad as owning 100%!

harrys_nan

I really think now, that you need to put yourself first. You have tried and not got anywhere so now is the time to say "sod it", I am the most important person here, my life and I am going to live it to the full. Get together with your best man, go for a couple of drinks with him and start to live a life.
Wishing you the very best, take care

The_Observer

So I thought its time I give an update, not only that but this is great at helping me offload anonymously and to hear views from people that are impartial.

I caught up with my mate who I hadn't seen in about three years and we had a really good catch up. My Wife knew I was going out and I had told her it would be to KFC. We decided to move onto a pub after the food and I was out for about three hours or so. In true style though when it got to 830pm I received a message on my phone. It said, 'That chicken seems to be taking a while to cook ' I choose not to reply or look at the Whatsapp so that it would show I have seen it. A few minutes later I then get a few picture emojies from her. I guess that was so it would make my phone vibrate on the off chance I didn't see the first message. Just to add my friend is also of the opinion that I continue as I am and go for the divorce.
Once I got home my wife was in bed. She tried to find out what was spoken about as well as indicate that I never told her I was going to a pub. I stuck to my guns and didn't tell her what was said. I then made a quick retreat to my bedroom.
That morning I wake up to find that she had left messages on my facebook posts from a week back. One was about watching the X-Factor when I was at my parents house where I made a comment about Cheryl, another was about an article on a guy going back into a house fire to save a rack of ribs and I also a comment made on Twitter regarding Cheryl.
One of the comments my wife made was to call me a sad !!!! and the two others where to say, 'I'm glad you have time to joke about this'. Now she knows I have plenty of time to joke about them as I am currently on 3 weeks annual leave!!!.
She then posted a comment on her facebook saying, 'Some people need to get their priorities straight'. I didn't bother getting out of bed that morning and ironing her top or making her a tea as I normally do!

Now for the bombshell!
A few hours she unexpectedly come back from work and tells me that she wanted to know what I had discussed with my friend she was emotional and becoming hysterical which is normally at the point I crack! I came clean and told her that he said we should split.
She then tells me and makes me promise not to confront my friend about this, before telling me that approx. three years ago he came around the house, thinking I would be in. She invites him in for a tea and they have a chat. Before he leaves he apparently tries to move in and kiss her. She kicks him out the house, not before he manages to get her to promise never to tell me.
She continued to make me promise that I don't speak to him about this a number of times, not believing a word she said I looked shocked but went along with her story. She protested a little too loudly for my liking another reason I didn't believe her too much is because she has a habit of always 'knowing' gossip about people I know and paints them in a bad light. Another reason I have become isolated I guess. So to sum up I meet my best mate for the first time in three years, he sides with me and she totally goes for a character assassination! I work with a girl and my wife is obsessed that she fancies me so again I find it hard to even get on with co-workers! I also find it weird that if this did happen why she has for years gone on about me never going out and how I should be doing things with my friend since this alleged incident, surly she wouldn't want me doing anything with him!

Now the question is do I ask my friend if this is the case, when in my heart I suspect it is a lie out of desperation to keep the marriage going? What has also wound me up is that if this is the case it also shows that she has kept a pretty big thing hidden from me! I know if one of her mates tried it on with me then I would have something to say!

She has gone away for the weekend again and we have decided not to talk any more about our situation, but to get on with each other. She has a big job interview coming up next week and I don't want to add any stress to what she is going through already, then she is away on a holiday/break the following week or whatever she wants to refer to it as.

RAS

Hi

Since she is away for the weekend, I suggest you get in touch with your old mate and go on the razzle.

Tell him what she told you are wait for his reaction.

Mojisola

The_Observer wrote: »

Now the question is do I ask my friend if this is the case, when in my heart I suspect it is a lie out of desperation to keep the marriage going?

It's a lie to keep you under her control. You had the nerve to go on to the pub with this friend, not answer her calls and weren't at her beck and call the following morning. This friend is obviously dangerous in her eyes so she will do anything to make sure you don't meet up with him again.

She has gone away for the weekend again

And are you going to keep phoning her to find out what she's up to, who she's talking to, what's being said, etc?

Of course not - it doesn't happen in a normal relationship.

harrys_nan

^^^^^^ this.
Do not fall for this again, you are an adult so why would you be accountable for every movement when you are out and about. She knew you were going out with a mate for a catch-up, do you ask her foe a blow by blow of where she is and what she is talking about.
She is trying to control you, go ahead with the divorce.