Divorce, am I making the right decision?

LannieDuck

The_Observer wrote: »

As I'm writing this I'm now wondering if it is depression or if its me just realising how bad the relationship is and wanting to do something about it.

I'm not sure which it is from your description, but it would probably be worth seeing a GP either way. It might help a little bit, or it might help a lot. Both would be good

The_Observer

LannieDuck wrote: »

Could you not go to Cuba with her? A bit of time away together might be good. At least you'd find out whether there was still any spark between the two of you.

I wouldn't be able to go now. I wouldn't be able to get the annual leave and also the fact she has booked this with her girlfriends. She has paid for me to go on holidays before and we always have a great time so I have been very fortunate and she has taken care of me in that respect. The problems and routine begin once back at home. It just feels like we are really good friends now.

The_Observer

neneromanova wrote: »

How is she affording to go on all these holidays? is she using joint money or money she's saved up?

She is using her own money, we don't have joint accounts and we go 50/50 on everything. We both had a lot of debts from previous relationships so we found this worked for us both so we didn't make the same mistakes again!

Wonderlands

The_Observer wrote: »

We are having our ups and downs at the moment. I have mentioned counselling, but she laughed it off initially. Then in an argument today she has said that I haven't tried anything to save the relationship. She sees my points raised as little things and are not part of the bigger issue which are all about me being boring, not wanting to do things and depressing to be around.

OP seems to be quite introverted. IMHO girls tends to be attracted by interesting things or people or you know some surprises. Maybe you can try to be a interesting person via telling small jokes or preparing something special for your wife If counselling doesn't work out. I do not think your wife have cheated you since no clue has showed that. Trust is rly important to relationships. You know a relationship is about to broken up when there's a slit in their trust. Hope things would get better.

tiger_eyes

Mrshaworth2b wrote: »

No it doesn't, they could be sleeping in different beds because she doesn't want to sleep with him, she doesn't feel close to him and doesn't want to pretend, same reason for no reason. She's going out with friends and texting all the time because she doesn't want to be with him so doesn't want to talk to him hence talking to others.

I think all these things point to her not feeling the same about you as she did. I don't think they mean affair.

That is a valid interpretation, but I don't see it. In the context of their failing relationship, taking off her wedding ring and arranging social time to exclude him is specifically to facilitate her affair. In addition, she's obsessively protecting her texting and Facebook conversations for a reason, most likely because she's talking to someone outside the marriage - and not in an innocent way. Depending on how far down the affair path she is, it could be anything from talking about how unhappy she is in her marriage, to sharing explicit sexual fantasies, to arranging their next hookup.

OP, by any chance, does she take her phone with her everywhere? Even into the bathroom?

LameWolf

OP I am so sorry you are going through all this; I couldn't just read and run, even if I don't have anything much constructive to offer.

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Don't wait 20+ years to sort this out though. Face into it while you're young.

^ ^ ^ This. Don't do what I did and wait til you're in your 40's.

The_Observer wrote: »

She is using her own money, we don't have joint accounts and we go 50/50 on everything. We both had a lot of debts from previous relationships so we found this worked for us both so we didn't make the same mistakes again!

I'm glad to hear this; my DH's ex emptied all their joint accounts and left him well and truly up the creak without a paddle.
DH and I still keep our finances separate, but can transfer money between ourselves online with ease. It's what works for us, too.:o

Good luck; I hope whatever happens, you come out the other side reasonably unscathed and able to move forward with your life.

PeacefulWaters

I do not think your wife have cheated you since no clue has showed that

There is a massive clue earlier in the thread.

She keeps her facebook etc locked down so I can't have access, but when I have changed my password without telling her all hell breaks loose!

FBaby

I don't think your marriage had much chance to survive because it looks like both of you are totally focused on the other's wrong doings rather then being opened to self-reflection and what change you could bring to the relationship. At this point it usually gradually gets worse and worse until everything becomes the other one's fault. You are better off parting abs starting again learning from your mistakes.

skint_chick

The_Observer wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. When it comes to property she has told me that I can pay her off and she will literally leave me with everything (but then she has days when she can't believe I have asked for a divorce and gets angry and upset). We seem to be amicable most of the time although today we finished on an argument and now I won't see her until Sunday night.
I must admit one thing I want to do is speak with the in-laws to put over myside, but then I don't know if thats a good idea or not.

You shouldn't even consider speaking to the in laws. At best they might have a bit of sympathy, but they will take her side, at worst they won't believe you and you will make the whole situation worse. When I split with my ex he told his family I stole money and then told the police he hit me so I could get away with it. Funnily enough when they saw the broken bones and a letter from him apologising for hitting me and lying they still took his side! Just leave it between you both, they will think what they think.

Of course she is angry and upset, having her cake and eating it is coming to an end and you aren't doing what she wants. Life is too short to be unhappy, once you take the first step and stick to it you will feel better. Of course it will hurt, but if you are unhappy, then eventually you will be happy again. If you're separating close all joint accounts as soon as you separate - prepare letters for her to sign for any that you have. Remove any overdrafts now if you have them. Get a financial agreement sorted with a solicitor as soon as possible after separation because however nice she is being about it now that could change at any second. Make sure you can take over the mortgage in your sole name if that's what you want to do, before you tell her you want her to leave. As for how she will manage financially she managed before you came along and she will manage fine without you.

PuzzledDave

PuzzledDaves five questions to determine if you have a good spouse. Feel free to disagree or refute them, but this is mine.

1) Do they make you smile and laugh ?
2) Do they support you when times are tough ?
3) Do they prioritise you over others ?
4) Do they help you achieve your goals ?
5) Do you look forward to telling to them about the latest <thing of interest in your life> ?


If you cannot answer yes at very least two of these -- honestly, what do they do that makes your life better with them ?