Divorce, am I making the right decision?

neneromanova

How is she affording to go on all these holidays? is she using joint money or money she's saved up?

RAS

Hi

The basic that you need to organise are:

A new basic bank account; that does not trigger a credit check so she will not be able to see it.

A separate savings account.

In the short term take cash out and deposit it in the two accounts; do not use bank transfers.

Do you have any joint accounts? If so you are jointly and severally liable for any debts which means that the bank can come after you for ALL the money owed if she decides to max the overdraft etc.

I would get copies of recent statements for all joint accounts and get them out of the house.

Does she have any sole accounts at the same bank?

Gigglepig

I don't think she's necessarily cheating. OP you come across as a quite passive person ? while the wife is going places, in her career and in her personal life. You complain about lots of things in your marriage but it isn't as clear what you are doing to address it. I would try counselling. Make an effort - ensure you do your half of the housework etc (make an effort to learn if needed) .... Join some sports activities to get in shape and have fun etc. even if your marriage fails it will do you good.

cyberwench

It sounds like you are doing all the right things and putting in the effort, but unless she also wants to put in the effort then it's not going to work.

This has hit home as recently I've been acting quite a lot like your wife, had grown apart from my husband and was considering whether the grass would be greener elsewhere. I was basically ignoring all the good things about my marriage to justify my actions, I suspect she is doing the same which is why she is so critical of you.

The thing is, it didn't take me long to realise I had to make a decision, fix things or move on (am fixing things, BTW!). You can't act like a single girl when you're in a relationship. She sounds like she would rather be single, but is enjoying the comfort blanket of a marriage and house.

I would have said it's time to give her an ultimatum, see if that finally snaps her into realising what it is she wants, but you've said you tried this and nothing really changed. So, sadly, if she's not willing to change, then I think divorce may be the only option. Perhaps a trial separation first if she's willing to try this?

jackieblack

It may still be possible to save your marriage, but it would require hard work and effort from both parties and it doesn't sound like she's up for that. One person can't save a marriage on their own.

It sounds to me like your wife is distancing herself from you and your marriage. With the benefit of hindsight I can see now that my husband was doing the same thing for a few months before he left. At the time I thought we were just going through a bad patch/stuck in a rut.
Several of the examples you have given would be accepted as examples of 'unreasonable behaviour' should you choose that route to divorce.

misshappy26

tiger_eyes wrote: »

These are massive, massive red flags for infidelity. She's having an affair. It's leaping off the page.

• She's not having sex with you because she's being faithful to the man she loves, ie. not you.
• She's not wearing her wedding ring because she no longer considers herself married.
• She's obsessed with her mobile phone where she's texting her affair partner.
• Meeting friends without you and going on holiday without you are excuses to have sex with the other man. If the friends she's supposedly meeting even exist, they're most likely covering for her affair so you don't find out.
• Accusing you of cheating is a guilty conscience at work. If you were cheating, that would justify her affair in her mind.

Affair.

Firstly, I'm really sorry that your marriage has gotten to this and also that you have put up with this much unhappiness for so long.

I believe in being direct, so here it is. Your marriage is over. All those things above that tiger eyes has point out are massive alarm bells. You're still young, get out now and move on with the rest of your life and your happiness. If you don't make changes now, you will regret not doing it sooner.

I end a five year relationship with someone who i desperately wanted to marry have children with. Looking back we should never have stayed together so long, it was hard because we were so close and best friends but we weren't good as partners. Now, I regret staying in it for so long. At the age of 35 (I'm sure I can feel my ovaries shriveling), I'm back at square one.

Whilst others might disagree, I personally don't believe counselling will help. You are both well beyond that. Your wife has pretty much made it clear; you are effectively housemates.

I really hope you don't mind my honesty and I hope I have not caused you any upset.

I'm trying to understand your wife. Without sounding callous, I'm struggling to understand why she has stayed given her actions. Are there any material reasons why she would not want the marriage to end?

Mrshaworth2b

tiger_eyes wrote: »

These are massive, massive red flags for infidelity. She's having an affair. It's leaping off the page.

• She's not having sex with you because she's being faithful to the man she loves, ie. not you.
• She's not wearing her wedding ring because she no longer considers herself married.
• She's obsessed with her mobile phone where she's texting her affair partner.
• Meeting friends without you and going on holiday without you are excuses to have sex with the other man. If the friends she's supposedly meeting even exist, they're most likely covering for her affair so you don't find out.
• Accusing you of cheating is a guilty conscience at work. If you were cheating, that would justify her affair in her mind.

Affair.

No it doesn't, they could be sleeping in different beds because she doesn't want to sleep with him, she doesn't feel close to him and doesn't want to pretend, same reason for no reason. She's going out with friends and texting all the time because she doesn't want to be with him so doesn't want to talk to him hence talking to others.

I think all these things point to her not feeling the same about you as she did. I don't think they mean affair.

LannieDuck

OP, is it possible that you actually are a bit depressed? You speak about never going out with friends, feeling 'lonely and depressed', putting on weight. She reckons you're lazy and don't put in much effort.

I'm just wondering whether it might be worth a chat with your GP? Obviously a difficult relationship patch could be the root cause, but it's also possible that the causality is the other way around, and she's found your depression very hard to deal with?

Kynthia

I don't know whether your one of those people who complains they never go out but never does anything about it, blames others for your problems, keeps saying what's wrong with your relationship but doesn't take action to change things, and doesn't do much around the house because their partner once complained about how they did it and they now use that as an excuse. Or you could be a nice person who's in a failing relationship, ground down by constant criticism, discouraged from having a social life, whose spouse doesn't want to make any changes or work on the relationship and is happy to spend a fortune going on holidays without him. However I don't think it makes a difference to the advice i will give:

Build up your social life, reconnect with friends and have some fun. Don't be disuaded from doing this as it's important and everyone is entitled.

Get active, healthier and maybe lose some weight. It's good for your mental health and attitude as well as your general health. You'll feel better about yourself and more positive.

Get some counselling on your own. It will help you as an individual and could also help you with your marriage. The counsellor will know more than us what actions you should take with your marriage and whether it can be worked on or not.

I hope you do the above and wish you well.

The_Observer

LannieDuck wrote: »

OP, is it possible that you actually are a bit depressed? You speak about never going out with friends, feeling 'lonely and depressed', putting on weight. She reckons you're lazy and don't put in much effort.

I'm just wondering whether it might be worth a chat with your GP? Obviously a difficult relationship patch could be the route cause, but it's also possible that the causality is the other way around, and she's found your depression very hard to deal with?

I would say I am feeling a bit depressed and when I look at the NHS websites etc I do find I score just over average. The thing is I don't see it that I am a person that spreads misery or pulls people down with me. Like I have said before I have tried to go on walks etc with her but the simple things that don't cost lots never seem to please her. I think its the situation and a few months into the lead up that have gotten me down. Also on the occasions I have told her that I'm feeling a little low shes quick to remind me that she is the one that has been diagnosed as clinically depressed.
As I'm writing this I'm now wondering if it is depression or if its me just realising how bad the relationship is and wanting to do something about it.
As for friends etc, I think I have lost contact more so due to the fact I want an easy life without the accusations and arguments that come with it.