People make rude comments to me because they think I am a young mother. How do I deal

Trek_girl

Petra_70 wrote: »

I do wonder 'Trek Girl' if you are blowing this massively out of proportion, and over-inflating the situation. Do people really have so much time to spare in their day, that they will go around staring at, and judging every woman with children, who looks a bit young? I accept that many mid 30-somethings look fairly young, but I doubt you look 15.

Much younger mothers than you are in abundance these days. I see many who look 16-19 who are on their second or third child when I am in the main town a few miles from me. And guess what? I don't stare at them, and I don't see anyone else doing it either.

I just don't think these days that it's a huge big deal, and can't fathom why random strangers would target you... People 'looking at you sideways,' and people demanding to know your age and why you're a mother. Really?

I think you may be suffering from paranoia. IMO you have a slight issue with having kids quite young, along with looking younger than you do, so you assume everyone thinks you must have been 13 when you had your first child, In reality, most people don't give a stuff.

If ever anyone actually does say anything derogatory; just say 'mind your own damn business.'

I just don't see a problem here.

Petra, it is probably because you are a decent and well brought up person that this surprises you. You yourself would never go up to random people and make negative comments to them so you judge people by the same standards, however I assure you that they do. Also when you have not experienced a thing it is sometime hard to fathom, but a few other posters here have had similar experiences.

Trek_girl

gayleygoo wrote: »

OP I understand your frustration! I had my first baby at 20, looking back it was young, but I don't feel it was too young. I looked about 14 though, and did get a lot of rude comments about being a young mother. I've been in tears a few times from verbal abuse by strangers. One woman spoke to my two children, telling them their "big sister" must be such a great help to their Mum, bringing them out shopping. I said I was their mum, and she knelt down to them and asked "Is this your Mummy?" :eek: She really didn't believe me. She was also not the only person to go find their friends and drag them over to me to comment on my apparent youth.

I'm now 28, and have just had my third child. I still regularly get "Are they all yours?? Gosh, you're so young" and the looks of pity. I do still get a little paranoid about it, although I've learned not to care most of the time. People do still ask me my age quite frequently, just for the purpose of establishing how disapproving they can be of my procreation. I don't even tell people my age now when they ask, I just ask them to guess, and I know they always aim higher than they want to but they're never right :rotfl: I'm not married though, and wonder if the lack of ring makes them think any worse of me, but I no longer have the energy to care!

When I was 20 and pregnant, the midwife remarked how "refreshing" it was to see women having babies in their 20's "as nature intended", as she felt too many women were leaving it to their 40's.

SureStart had a group called "Little Stars Young Mothers' group" for 15-25 year olds. I thought the title was so patronising I never went!

I just put up with it and try to feel complimented if I can! I know I'm a great and very capable mum, and so are you Most people really don't care what age you are though, so don't let the few who do, get to you.

Thank you and to the others who shared their experiences of this. I know it is a cliche but it really does help to know you are not the only one.

quidsy

Trek_girl wrote: »

My point is just that part of the reason people say they think I am young is because I am naturally very slim.

riiiiggggghhhhtttt

Gloomendoom

Trek_girl wrote: »

My point is just that part of the reason people say they think I am young is because I am naturally very slim.

How are they going to know if your slimness is natural or not?

There must be more to it than that.

Trek_girl

Gloomendoom wrote: »

How are they going to know if your slimness is natural or not?

There must be more to it than that.

I forgot to use the quote thingy. I was responding to a post above who was saying I should not say being overweight can make some people look older than they are, especially making young people look older.

I am a small person and that contributes to people being confused about my age. That's all I meant by it.

Fluff15

Trek_girl wrote: »

@doublemummy - I do not know you or your circumstances, if I saw you in a maternity ward aged 17 I would not have a harsh word for you. However yes, I will stand by my opinion that in most cases when a girl is pregnant when her peers are still at school (13, 14, 15, 16, 17) it is not usually a good thing. I am not saying a teenage mother is a bad person. but I do stand by my opinion that there are few circumstances where it is a positive and empowering situation. There are times when due to chemo treatments or other health conditions or terminal illness in the family a child will be conceived when normally a person would have waited. Even if a person is in a loving relationship the teenage years are a time for establishing educational and career foundations and enjoying life without the heavy responsibilities of parenthood. I did say that even if a person is in a situation which is not positive, compassion rather than judgement is the better path.

Maybe the 16 year old in question is one of those prodigies who finished university at 10 years old, has made millions in some internet start up and now wants to get pregnant. I still don't think it is wise, but we all have our own lives to lead and can make our own decisions.

It sounds like you're the one with the problem with teenage pregnancies, and are projecting your feelings on to what other people think about you.

Try letting go of any thoughts you have of teenage mothers or their choices, as quite simply it is none of your business how old somebody is when they have a child, nor can you comment on any of their circumstances until you've been in their situation. Once you've finally got over your own negative connotations with teenage mothers, you'll probably find yourself caring less what others think of you too.

fierystormcloud

fairy_lights wrote: »

Are you sure it's not (at least partly) in your mind? You're assuming that people who don't comment on your age are thinking about it, which does sound very paranoid.
There's nothing unusual about young mums, and how do people even know you're your daughters mother and not her sister anyway, if you look so young?
I know quite a few young mums, some of them also slim and baby faced and they don't get the sort of reaction you describe.

This is what I thought, and like many of the posters here, I think some of it is in peoples minds.

I agree with fluff15 above ^^^ I think the OP is projecting.

I don't know anyone who makes comments directly at young mums, or anyone who has it done to them.

ben_m_g

I sympathise with you Trek_girl, some people can be so obnoxious it is unreal. It can be hard to take these things as a compliment when there are these people about.

Personally I'm 29 and could easily pass for 17 if I shaved.

I used to get the odd looks and comments when i was with my daughter when she was young, asking for ID (then giving the suspicious eye) being followed around shops for no reason, and found some very concerning comments at interviews.

I think some of what you describe is in your head, people will always look, but not always for the reason you think.

When DD was a baby I took her out for the day on my own, she was overly hot, tired and hungry, i was flustered and struggled to hold her in one hand and prepare her bottle.

I could almost feel the eyes of the people on the next table, I admit i felt self conscious as a new inexperience father.
However I managed to get her fed and settled.

As the father of the group came up to me, all he said was "your doing a great job."

Totally unexpected, but it really made my day.

There are some complete idiots about, but not everyone is thinking the same thing.

jrtfan

Youthful looks run in my family, too, and when I had my son (the day after my 40th birthday) other expectant mums on the maternity ward assumed I was in my late 20s.

Now I'm 52 but look early-40s. When I pick my son up from school, many of his friends think I'm his nan.

I suppose what I'm saying is that people will always make assumptions and yes, it's rude and unnecessary. The trick is being comfortable enough in your own skin, for their opinions not to bother you. Their opinions are their problem.

Goldiegirl

Up until the time I was about 33 - 34, I was always having people assume that I was younger than I was. I couldn't help it - I just looked young for my age.


I'd open the front door and people would ask if my mum was in, I'd be charged child fare on trains and buses, I'd go to attractions and they'd charge me half price.


I didn't have children, but sometimes it caused issues at work. I was part of the management team at a building society, and although I was dressed professionally in a suit, I could tell by the look in people's eyes that they were shocked when it was me who was going to do their interview for a mortgage! Sometimes people said that they had made an appointment to see a manager, and I had to explain that I was a manager.


But I just used to laugh it off. It was a bit of a non issue really


Plus it's much better than what happened a few years ago. I was 50. I went to the cinema, and when I looked at my ticket, they'd charged me as a senior!:eek: Now that really got my goat!:rotfl:


I've no doubt that the OP has had a few comments. For some reason people think they have the right to comment about others.


But to suggest to suggest that it happens every time she goes out and that people are looking at her all the time sounds like paranoia.


Just enjoy looking youthful. It won't last for ever and being mistaken for someone younger is a whole heap better than being mistaken for someone older!