People make rude comments to me because they think I am a young mother. How do I deal

kathrynha

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

i was with you, I understood where you were coming from (as I too look young for my age and get ID'd now and again) until I read the above....

You are being judgemental on people's looks just like you feel they are being to yours. That is just as bad! What does it matter if they are overweight? Bring overweight doesn't neccessarily make you look older.

Yes, when people make comments about your looks or judge you, it can be hurtful and unnessary, but it does appear that you have a massive chip on your shoulder about it. Most of the people who judge and make comments are probably just jealous that they don't look as youthful as you, be glad that you do.

Totally agree with you GeorgieGirl.
I'm 38 and overweight, and can't buy alcohol without having to show ID. I was 29 when I had my daughter, and I've had occasional comments about being a young mum, but only a handful in 9 years, and they were all from old people who I just ignored.

gayleygoo

OP I understand your frustration! I had my first baby at 20, looking back it was young, but I don't feel it was too young. I looked about 14 though, and did get a lot of rude comments about being a young mother. I've been in tears a few times from verbal abuse by strangers. One woman spoke to my two children, telling them their "big sister" must be such a great help to their Mum, bringing them out shopping. I said I was their mum, and she knelt down to them and asked "Is this your Mummy?" :eek: She really didn't believe me. She was also not the only person to go find their friends and drag them over to me to comment on my apparent youth.

I'm now 28, and have just had my third child. I still regularly get "Are they all yours?? Gosh, you're so young" and the looks of pity. I do still get a little paranoid about it, although I've learned not to care most of the time. People do still ask me my age quite frequently, just for the purpose of establishing how disapproving they can be of my procreation. I don't even tell people my age now when they ask, I just ask them to guess, and I know they always aim higher than they want to but they're never right :rotfl: I'm not married though, and wonder if the lack of ring makes them think any worse of me, but I no longer have the energy to care!

When I was 20 and pregnant, the midwife remarked how "refreshing" it was to see women having babies in their 20's "as nature intended", as she felt too many women were leaving it to their 40's.

SureStart had a group called "Little Stars Young Mothers' group" for 15-25 year olds. I thought the title was so patronising I never went!

I just put up with it and try to feel complimented if I can! I know I'm a great and very capable mum, and so are you Most people really don't care what age you are though, so don't let the few who do, get to you.

gayleygoo

double_mummy wrote: »

I am a teen mum had my 1st at 17 2nd at 20

you are just as bad as the rest of them!!!! i love how the only option of being a teen mum was for something negative to happen i look older so never really had a problem with any of that - my SIL who is 5 years younger and looks very young got a lot of hassle when she took my kids out as little ones

please feel free to return to your paranoid little judgmental world you sound amazingly happy there

I always thought it must be insulting towards actual teenage mums, when I was older and getting scolded in the street! I didn't want to tell people my real age, because I felt there should be nothing wrong with having a baby at 16 or 17. Young, sure, but youth alone does not make a bad or irresponsible parent.

duchy

Young looking, slim and a mind reader who knows what people are thinking ......Gosh

I very much doubt at 33 you look 14 unless you very deliberately dress that way so I think you are completely over reacting and imagining a lot of it.

People don't care what age you are - they care if you are a nice person to be around or one who sees imagined slights in anything they say.

pollypenny

You obviously dont have much to worry about, OP.

It's no big deal.. I had first child at 24, second at 27, started my degree at 31.

Other students thought I was 18 like most of them. My whole family has tended to look young. Be grateful.

Anatidaephobia

I've had remarks/looks etc about my age as well so I can understand where you're coming from, OP. I don't have children so I can imagine that what you've experienced is worse than what I have. I'm nearly 30 and still get ID'd all the time, I frequently get ID'd for paracetamol. I don't mind being ID'd because it means they get to see my driving license and they see how old I am and their attitude changes. What annoys me is when they clearly want to ID me, they look me up and down; they don't ask for ID but walk away continuing to eye me suspiciously as though I'm trying to trick them or something. At least being ID'd provides some sort of resolution to a situation, they discover your age and can realise they were wrong, but that doesn't happen with random encounters with other people.

While I sympathise, there's not really much you can do about the way people act. You can only change the way you react. Try to build your confidence so that if someone says something, you can laugh it off and make a little comment ("oh, I assure you I'm old enough!"). At the moment, if they're being negative or making rude comments and you appear shaken/paranoid/anxious/nervous then it probably adds to their idea of you being young and inexperienced; if you can confidently laugh it off and effectively overrule them then you're showing them their opinion doesn't matter.

Trek_girl

double_mummy wrote: »

I am a teen mum had my 1st at 17 2nd at 20

you are just as bad as the rest of them!!!! i love how the only option of being a teen mum was for something negative to happen i look older so never really had a problem with any of that - my SIL who is 5 years younger and looks very young got a lot of hassle when she took my kids out as little ones

please feel free to return to your paranoid little judgmental world you sound amazingly happy there

@doublemummy - I do not know you or your circumstances, if I saw you in a maternity ward aged 17 I would not have a harsh word for you. However yes, I will stand by my opinion that in most cases when a girl is pregnant when her peers are still at school (13, 14, 15, 16, 17) it is not usually a good thing. I am not saying a teenage mother is a bad person. but I do stand by my opinion that there are few circumstances where it is a positive and empowering situation. There are times when due to chemo treatments or other health conditions or terminal illness in the family a child will be conceived when normally a person would have waited. Even if a person is in a loving relationship the teenage years are a time for establishing educational and career foundations and enjoying life without the heavy responsibilities of parenthood. I did say that even if a person is in a situation which is not positive, compassion rather than judgement is the better path.

Maybe the 16 year old in question is one of those prodigies who finished university at 10 years old, has made millions in some internet start up and now wants to get pregnant. I still don't think it is wise, but we all have our own lives to lead and can make our own decisions.

DCFC79

You cant do anything about the comments (tell yourself those making the comments are jealous of how young you look), just thank them or use 1 of the other comebacks posted.

Trek_girl

There is a post I was responding to asking if I also disapproved of people who had had abortions but it disappeared as I was replying.

My point was that the people who had set themselves up as the moral police and made it their job to tell off young people with children, were flawed in their logic. They could not extend their 'words of wisdom' to people who were in fact in the same situation, but because of having had an abortion could not be identified as a 'teen pregnancy statistic'.

thorsoak

Dear trek-girl - you are obviously obsessing about how young you look, etc etc etc - you have said in another thread that you cannot make friends- just stop worrying about what you think other people think about you - and think about them, about your daughter, and taking control of your own life - what others say/think about you does not matter - what you think/say yourself does.

A wise woman said "no one can make you feel inferiour without your consent".