People make rude comments to me because they think I am a young mother. How do I deal

Trek_girl

I had my daughter when I was 22 years old. I had completed my degree. The thing is I look younger than my age. I am petite and very slim and have a small face which is young looking (big eyes, cheeks).

I am now 33 but still have been asked to prove I was 16 when buying a knife at the grocery store.

My problem is people feel the need to share their opinions.( I am married and wear a ring btw)
'You are too young to be a mother, go back to school!'
(I have already completed my postgrad degree)
'You don't look young enough to have a daughter that age!'

- this happens every time I go out and has affected my confidence. It is not said in a complimentary way, rather in a Daily Mail 'you are the face of broken Britain' way.

I know many women my age with a child my age or even older but because they are overweight they look older and don't get asked like I do. Most just look their age.

1. I am not a 'teen mom' but even if I were it would be none of their business. People are rape victims, had bad upbringings or just made mistakes and end up pregnant. They deserve compassion. People who had abortions do not get judged on a daily basis like I do.

2. Often they don't say anything but look at me sideways . I may be paranoid in some instances, but given how often some people say it, it would be a fair statement to acknowledge some of the people staring are thinking along similar lines.

3. I dress age appropriately and avoid wearing hoodies and track suits and am generally in a dress and heels. I wear subtle make up.

My question is how do I deal with the comments? It upsets me to be judged negatively and wrongly by strangers.

Sometimes I say 'I'm 33' then they are all flustered and surprised the wind has been taken out of their self righteous sails but really it's none of their business.
On another couple of occasions I have then said 'how old are you' and I think it gets the point across how rude it is to make comments about a strangers age.
But I am not a confrontational person and don't like to meet rudeness with rudeness.

Meg_x

Trek_girl wrote: »

I had my daughter when I was 22 years old. I had completed my degree. The thing is I look younger than my age. I am petite and very slim and have a small face which is young looking (big eyes, cheeks).

I am now 33 but still have been asked to prove I was 16 when buying a knife at the grocery store.

My problem is people feel the need to share their opinions.( I am married and wear a ring btw)
'You are too young to be a mother, go back to school!'
(I have already completed my postgrad degree)
'You don't look young enough to have a daughter that age!'

- this happens every time I go out and has affected my confidence. It is not said in a complimentary way, rather in a Daily Mail 'you are the face of broken Britain' way.

I know many women my age with a child my age or even older but because they are overweight they look older and don't get asked like I do. Most just look their age.

1. I am not a 'teen mom' but even if I were it would be none of their business. People are rape victims, had bad upbringings or just made mistakes and end up pregnant. They deserve compassion. People who had abortions do not get judged on a daily basis like I do.

2. Often they don't say anything but look at me sideways . I may be paranoid in some instances, but given how often some people say it, it would be a fair statement to acknowledge some of the people staring are thinking along similar lines.

3. I dress age appropriately and avoid wearing hoodies and track suits and am generally in a dress and heels. I wear subtle make up.

My question is how do I deal with the comments? It upsets me to be judged negatively and wrongly by strangers.

Sometimes I say 'I'm 33' then they are all flustered and surprised the wind has been taken out of their self righteous sails but really it's none of their business.
On another couple of occasions I have then said 'how old are you' and I think it gets the point across how rude it is to make comments about a strangers age.
But I am not a confrontational person and don't like to meet rudeness with rudeness.

Be flattered, just say 'thank you for thinking I look younger than I am'

Tropez

If you don't want confrontation then, honestly, you'll just have to learn to ignore them.

Their opinions are no more important or valuable than my opinion on how to make a decent cappuccino would be to you. Think about what is to be gained by worrying what others think? If the answer is nothing then just move on. You're doing the best for your life... if they have so little to do than comment on a stranger's life then they're the one with the problem, not you.

FreddieFrugal

Where on earth is this place? Must be rudeness capital of the UK or something. Shocked by that if it's happening regularly as you say.

Obviously a lot of boring, miserable old people with nothing better to do than make passing comments about others.

Sad really.

Sandhy

There's nothing you can do really except ignore them. Same as you I had my daughter at 22 and looked younger than my 22 years. I am now 53 and still don't look my age! I suppose being young looking isn't always an advantage!

I now get comments that I don't look old enough to be a grandmother!

I once had someone say to me that I didn't look like a single parent!!!

Some people just use mouth before brain. Some people just use mouth and no brain...

Trek_girl

On the bus, checkout person at Asda, playground mums, butchers...
When I am with my child and have to have an interaction with a stranger, ice cream man even, they feel the need to say something and it makes me paranoid about the ones who say nothing.

People say 'be flattered' but there is nothing flattering about being pigeonholed by some bigot and having a stranger make a negative moral judgement about me.

Tropez

Trek_girl wrote: »

On the bus, checkout person at Asda, playground mums, butchers...
When I am with my child and have to have an interaction with a stranger, ice cream man even, they feel the need to say something and it makes me paranoid about the ones who say nothing.

People say 'be flattered' but there is nothing flattering about being pigeonholed by some bigot and having a stranger make a negative moral judgement about me.

Might sound a bit dramatic but if you're becoming paranoid about other people who aren't saying anything, perhaps discussing this with your GP might be useful?

With no intention to give medical device, you might possibly benefit from something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is designed to help you better manage situations you struggle in and build confidence.

pinkshoes

Just reply with "I'm 33 and completed a masters degree years ago. what about you?".

Pause and let them answer, and if they don't just remind them that they shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

owen_money

Trek_girl wrote: »

On the bus, checkout person at Asda, playground mums, butchers...
When I am with my child and have to have an interaction with a stranger, ice cream man even, they feel the need to say something and it makes me paranoid about the ones who say nothing.

People say 'be flattered' but there is nothing flattering about being pigeonholed by some bigot and having a stranger make a negative moral judgement about me.

Some butchers are a disgrace to their trade and should be struck off:mad:

Georgiegirl256

Trek_girl wrote: »

I know many women my age with a child my age or even older but because they are overweight they look older and don't get asked like I do. Most just look their age .

i was with you, I understood where you were coming from (as I too look young for my age and get ID'd now and again) until I read the above....

You are being judgemental on people's looks just like you feel they are being to yours. That is just as bad! What does it matter if they are overweight? Bring overweight doesn't neccessarily make you look older.

Yes, when people make comments about your looks or judge you, it can be hurtful and unnessary, but it does appear that you have a massive chip on your shoulder about it. Most of the people who judge and make comments are probably just jealous that they don't look as youthful as you, be glad that you do.

Petra_70

I do wonder 'Trek Girl' if you are blowing this massively out of proportion, and over-inflating the situation. Do people really have so much time to spare in their day, that they will go around staring at, and judging every woman with children, who looks a bit young? I accept that many mid 30-somethings look fairly young, but I doubt you look 15.

Much younger mothers than you are in abundance these days. I see many who look 16-19 who are on their second or third child when I am in the main town a few miles from me. And guess what? I don't stare at them, and I don't see anyone else doing it either.

I just don't think these days that it's a huge big deal, and can't fathom why random strangers would target you... People 'looking at you sideways,' and people demanding to know your age and why you're a mother. Really?

I think you may be suffering from paranoia. IMO you have a slight issue with having kids quite young, along with looking younger than you do, so you assume everyone thinks you must have been 13 when you had your first child, In reality, most people don't give a stuff.

If ever anyone actually does say anything derogatory; just say 'mind your own damn business.'

I just don't see a problem here.